


Duet

by perryvic, Zaganthi (Caffiends)



Series: Arpeggio [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Kid Fic, M/M, Mpreg, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-15
Updated: 2011-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:37:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 86,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perryvic/pseuds/perryvic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiends/pseuds/Zaganthi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"An All-Life. Two-Made-One," the Wraith said and Rodney started to get a really bad feeling about this. "Male and female combined in one form. They are food only for the Queens. They must not be fed upon by others."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Duet 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Violet_eyes and Chaps1870 for the beta!

He didn't do captivity well.

There was really no way to do captivity well, not that Rodney knew of at least. Oh, Sheppard was doing a fine job of it, but he was military. Rodney was academic at heart, and that meant that when the grappling hook had snagged him and Sheppard, he'd twisted and flailed and squirmed like a worm, and John had just lain there, defeated and plotting.

Rodney wished he could do more than crouch in one corner of their shared cell, peering towards the door. There had to be a way to jimmy the door open. There had to be, because he didn't have much faith in Genii construction, and the bizarre jail cell was clearly Genii, even if seeing Kolya's smirking face hadn't been a giant tip-off to him.

Except that there wasn't anything wrong with the door. Cleverly, the hinge was on the outside rather than the inside, and that had been the one flaw of door design that he'd hoping for. The bars were sunk down, embedded deeply in the door, no electronic parts for him to short out or reconfigure. All very well and miserably done.

"We're dead men."

"Try and relax, Rodney," John replied. "Ronon and Teyla made it through the gate. They'll be looking for us already. They'll know it's Genii, so they've got somewhere to start looking."

He sounded infuriatingly together and laid back about the whole thing. He was _always_ laid back and mellow about things like that, and it made Rodney cross his arms tightly over his chest as a distraction from glaring at the door and its mockingly skillful workmanship. "Oh, and where is that? The Faux Amish colony? They think Kolya's dead so I very much doubt they know where he is, and even if they do, what's the Genii's running tally of honesty? Oh, that's right. Our last interaction with them involved a cunning series of twists that would make our governments green with envy, since that had to have been a quadruple cross."

"McKay, they'll come after us," John told him again as if that was going to solve anything. "They'll want you alive, you're too valuable."

Maybe he was, but alive didn't mean unhurt, and John was conspicuously not mentioning his own name in that. Kolya had a personal grudge and everyone knew it.

"You're, uh..." Rodney gestured a little vaguely, and sat down again, near Sheppard. "Right. They'll come for us before Kolya decides to do something to you. We'll be fine. Do you want to try to rush the guards when they come for us?" It was a pretty Ronon idea and while Ronon could have pulled it off, Rodney wanted to try.

Sheppard looked at him. "If the opportunity presents itself," he said, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"It will make no difference," a deeper, rasping voice spoke. "There is no way to escape this place."

"Oh, great, now we have a morale raiser here." Rodney leaned, peering towards the porthole -- barred, of course, because there was nothing they hadn't covered in bars. "What're you in here for?"

"I merely allowed myself to be captured alive," the voice replied and there was a rasping sound that made him think whoever it was had been here a long time and was barely hanging on. That didn't bode well.

"I know how that goes," John replied, raising eyebrows at Rodney in one of his attempts to communicate without saying anything.

That would have been great if Rodney spoke whatever language 'up and down angry eyebrow wiggle' was. He raised his eyebrows back at John and clenched his jaw just to feel the muscles shift. It took a little of the restless edge off, so it was worth it, Rodney guessed. "How long have you been here?"

"Many years," the voice said wearily.

"How many, is many? Five, ten...?" John asked, moving over to the bars at the side of their cell where the voice emanated.

"It does not matter."

"Huh, that many?" John seemed to pause and think. "Look, my buddy here and I have people looking for us. When they get here maybe we can get out of here together."

"We mean it. We're always willing to help, and uh, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and if you've been locked up here that long I'm thinking you're not on good terms with our jailer here," Rodney remarked. He shifted to stand up, following John's motions with his own. "What planet were you from?" Because if it was one of the planets Teyla had introduced them to then they could name places, or fates, and Rodney was finally catching on that news was as important to most people in Pegasus as, well, food was to him.

There was a low chuckle. "No planet. You do not wish to be friends with me."

"Hey, place like this, you can use all the friends you can get," Sheppard added. "Nothing to lose right?"

Rodney leaned, trying to peer through the bars to put a face to the other captive's voice. "If you've been in this place for years, you really have nothing to lose. We have friends coming to get us out. They can get you out, too. Easy as that."

A pale face moved close to the bars and straggling white hair. "Would you like to reconsider that?" the Wraith managed, in a disturbingly human voice.

It made Rodney recoil from the bars, heart hammering in his chest and threatening to leap out of his throat. "Oh, oh shit, no, okay, maybe not, that really depends, we've extended our hospitality that way before and not gotten much in return for it, so, you know, we're going to have to probably retract that offer and I'm going to go back to trying to get the door open."

Only it wasn't going to work because there were no electronics in the door. "You have nothing to fear from me, _lhamana_. Your friend however..."

Dear God, the creature was practically salivating as it focused on Sheppard. He could understand the sentiment but...

"Right, well, I think we're both going to avoid the window from now on, so don't get your hopes up." He moved to bump John out of the way, if that were sanely possible, because John was never the kind of guy to get way out of reach in a fast, sane manner. What the hell was a ‘Lhamana’?

There were footsteps in the stone corridor, and he noticed Sheppard immediately shifted to stand in front of him, which was nice in one respect and a little galling in another because it seemed to imply he couldn't cope. On the other hand, coping was way out the window right now.

"Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay..." A familiar voice drawled as Kolya stopped ahead of a group of guards. "I hope you have found your accommodations suitable."

And on the other side of the window was a Wraith.

"Fantastic. Although, it could do, ah, with a lot more lighting and a few less bars, but having seen our fair share of underground prisons, I'd rate it decently." They'd probably gate hopped four or five times, which meant that Elizabeth was busy asking Radek if he could trace where they went when, no, that actually only lead to a crazily infinite number of possible locations that they could have been being held at, with each step away from the original gate multiplying it further out.

"Our other prisoner dislikes too much light," Kolya answered. "I'm sure you will make his acquaintance soon enough, Dr. McKay."

"You're not doing anything with him, Kolya." Sheppard’s voice became tight with warning.

"We find that being put to the tender mercies of the Wraith can break even the most stoic of soldiers," Kolya answered. "And believe me, McKay is far from stoic, Colonel Sheppard."

What, did Kolya think he'd forgotten the last time or the time before? It wasn't as if Rodney had a long-standing history of trying and succeeding in being macho when faced with Kolya. "What do you think you can get out of doing this? If you let that Wraith feed on us then I'm dead and Sheppard's dead and there's no-one to help you with whatever your grand plan is and you might as well have not bothered going out of your way to capture us."

"Leverage," Kolya replied. "Dr. Weir, I believe, lacks the hardened heart of command. I suspect she will not be willing to watch either of you be tortured. It's not personal, but I'm sure I can gain her compliance."

"You underestimate her," John answered. "She won't give in. We have rules."

"And she is a civilian, not military." Kolya walked closer to the bars. "We have some time so I thought I would allow you to contemplate who would be first. I believe Dr. McKay will provide the necessary spectacle..."

"No!"

Strangely, Sheppard's protest seemed in stereo and Rodney realized the Wraith had also spoken.

Holy shit.

There was nothing else for Rodney to think, as he turned to stare for a moment back towards the porthole window. "Uh, what he said."

Kolya seemed unimpressed, leaning one arm against the bars. John probably couldn't grab it and break it before he was gunned down by Kolya's sycophants. "This is interesting. I'd think that a Wraith would eat any morsel thrown its way. And after so long, I would not have guessed that you would prove to be a picky eater."

"I will not eat the lhamana. It is forbidden. The other, I will feast on with great hunger," the Wraith rasped out and that still didn't make any sense. Wraith were notoriously indiscriminate about eating people.

It got him a dirty look from Kolya, because the man had probably been betting on maximum histrionics and Rodney knew that, yeah, if he was being fed on by a Wraith he wasn't going to bite his lip and man up. That was suffering. He'd seen Gaul and he'd seen Gaul's brain spattered finely over the inside of the downed Wraith transport ship. There weren't many questions to ask about how much being fed on hurt.

"Just what is an Lhamana? Answer me or you're not going to feast on anything." Kolya's voice was steady, but there was a snap in his tone.

"An All-Life. Two-Made-One," the Wraith said and Rodney started to get a really bad feeling about this. "Male and female combined in one form. They are food only for the Queens. They must not be fed upon by others."

John was looking at him and then over to the Wraith. "You're crazy!"

He crossed his arms over his chest and peered miserably towards John then tried to pull his facial expression up towards defiant when Kolya leaned closer against the bars. "Two-Made-One. Male and female in one form, hmn? What would give you that idea, Wraith?" Maybe, please, please let him just think it was intel that the Atlanteans had found. That Wraith wouldn't eat Two-Made-One and in the event of an emergency, they knew to claim that the weakest members of the team were All-Life.

There was a low bitter chuckle. "Could you not smell a banquet and know its content if it were so short a distance from you?" the Wraith said.

"What a load of crap," John said. "But if it stops you eating us then I'm all for it."

"Not 'us', just him," the Wraith answered.

This was bad, this was really, really bad, this was so bad that he couldn't quite wrap his head around it, and John was slowly turning to look at Rodney.

Kolya seemed to have some sense of what was going on, maybe, or maybe it was a ruse, except a ruse would have required some kind of foreknowledge of what was going on, which Kolya couldn't possibly have because no-one… hardly no-one at all, knew. "Both of you. Strip. We only divested you of your weapons earlier, but perhaps we should have divested you of more."

John looked back. "You know, I kinda like wearing clothes. Stripping is something I only do for fun and profit." He stood as if he wasn't going to move ever again, let alone strip.

"You can strip, or I can open this cell, hold you both at gunpoint and do it myself." He let that linger, made a gesture to his men and Rodney started to unzip his jacket. It was going to go south anyway. "There we go, see, Doctor McKay has the right idea."

"There's no right or wrong idea, here, I'd just prefer if this stayed a two occupant cell."

He heard John mutter 'Jesus' under his breath and after eyeing the guns aimed at them, started stripping off, revealing lean lines and muscles and distinct evidence of male anatomy almost defiant in his disrobing.

He was trying not to ogle, trying not to look while he dropped his jacket to the side and pulled his shirt off, and stood there, hoping that was enough.

"Boots and pants, too. Or, if you keep stalling I can come in there and do it for you."

"Fine, fine. I don't know what you think you're proving. Maybe years of, of being pent up has driven your pet Wraith crazy with hunger, who knows..."

He dropped his pants hoping they wouldn't look further than the fact of what was delicately known as ‘ambiguous genitalia’, which looked and behaved like a penis most of the time. It had always been enough to stand a cursory inspection. But then if they got closer they realized it wasn't quite in the right place, it didn't look exactly right and oh hey, there was a vagina back there as well.

He could almost feel the moment when Kolya's eyes lingered a little too long, and when John turned and looked, too. Fuck. Years of testosterone had made it easier and surgery, sure, but that was only for the chest because he'd--

"Men, keep your guns trained. In fact, I'd like Colonel Sheppard bound. This just got interesting." He started to unlock the cell, swinging the door inwards.

John's eye's swung back to Kolya and Rodney saw the moment where he shook off shock and then rather stupidly went for a completely non-existent opportunity in trying to take the guards.

"You're not going to... not going to touch him, you…"

He heard the snap of electricity and John dropped, partially stunned and he could smell a 'cooked flesh' scent from the contact burns. Rodney grabbed for his pants and started to pull them back on, or tried to. "Sheppard! You don't have to do anything stupid!"

"Bind him up." Kolya started towards Rodney, hedging him towards a corner and Rodney moved to try to dart out to one side and it was a bad idea but any idea seemed better than just going with it.

Kolya caught hold of him with a grip that made him think of stinging knife blades, even as he caught sight of John being securely tied and hazily trying to fight it.

"Tell me, Dr. McKay is it all functional?" Kolya said in an interested tone.

"Is what functional?" He was going to play the 'I don't know what you're talking about game, as long as Kolya had that grip on his upper arm.

"So coy, Dr. McKay." Kolya replied. "Perhaps I should find out hmm? If the Wraith will not feed on you there are other ways to apply... pressure."

"Kolya..." John growled from where he was lying on the floor. The hate and anger and shit, fear as well, in his eyes was painful to see. "I will kill you. I left you alive before, but you touch him, and I will kill you."

"Him? I'm not sure there is one of that gender here."

Fuck. Rodney jerked, tried to twist his arm free and it only seemed to prod Kolya on because the man reached down, palmed his 'dick', and chuckled. "Get your hands off of me! Knock that off right now because that's not going to get Doctor Weir to do what you want, either!"

"Oh I think you've become valuable in a whole new way, Dr. McKay," Kolya replied gesturing to the guards to step back outside the cell. "Imagine it, someone so precious to the Wraith that an interdiction holds through starvation. A bargaining chip of the highest order."

There was stimulation there, like it or not. A doctor had described his dick as an abnormally over developed clitoris and the stimulation could be intense. Then with abrupt precision Kolya shifted his grip to clamp around Rodney’s throat and pushed him back against the cell wall.

He could hear John struggling futilely against the ropes holding him but he couldn't just burst free of restraints.

He wondered what the Wraith wanted with him and just what could be gained if the Genii were to find a Wraith to hand him over to. Not that they weren't backstabbers of the highest order, but the right Genii could give them a run for their money and Rodney seriously wished he wasn't having those thoughts while Kolya shifted and stretched his fingers, squeezing hard around his throat.

"Can I at least... fuck, put my pants back on?"

"On the whole I think not, that would make it rather difficult to see if you really are a Wraith Two-Made-One wouldn't it?" Kolya murmured and fuck, he was fumbling with his own pants. "Spoils of war, Dr. McKay. Surely you are familiar with the concept."

"Familiar, but not really in love with the idea of it." He shifted, tried to remember things from his lessons with Ronon and jerked one leg to try to knee Kolya in the crotch. But he didn't have much lee-way and the wall was cool and his back was right up against it.

Kolya evaded it easily and then literally crushed against him. "I do not usually take men, they do not appeal. But then you are not a man are you, Dr. McKay? Hmm."

There was something pushing against him and he could hear Sheppard’s protests cut off with the sound of something hitting flesh. It was really going to happen, he was really going to do it.

It wasn't something Rodney did. He didn't, he preferred that nothing went up there. Testosterone had put an end to much by way of periods, so it wasn't a concern of his right up until he could feel Kolya's dick sliding into him, until he heard the other man groan. "Fuck, fuck, stop, god-dammit that hurts! What the hell is the point of this?!"

"Aside from the fact I can?" Kolya huffed warm breath over his skin. "I'm sure Colonel Sheppard could tell you the point."

It was strangely clinical and perfunctory as if Kolya regarded the action as a chore, like he was an object or something less. It hurt and he looked away, over Kolya's shoulder, thanking god for the small mercy that John was probably unconscious and... Looked directly into John's unreadable gaze.

Kolya chose then to give a twist of his hips, starting to grind. It was still perfunctory, but it was completely about the other man getting himself off and Rodney just happened to have a cunt for him to do it in. The last time someone had slept with Kolya of their own free will had probably been some power play and there was nothing to take his mind off of John watching. Rodney looked for anything to distract him from the fact that his dick was caught between their bodies, twisted into a miserable position and the only thing that he wanted to do with his hands was to try to shove Kolya away.

He tried, but Kolya was like a rock and just as implacable. He didn't draw it out, just rammed it home and eventually he felt the disturbing sensation of warmth spilling inside of him. He just hoped there were no alien STD's out there because he'd been told he was pretty much sterile in both areas. Jeannie was the only hope for the McKay genetics.

And she was doing pretty well, and that was a seriously disgusting feeling. He swallowed and Kolya squeezed his throat just to prove that he was still there. Rodney dropped his eyes and felt Kolya pull out and slide his fingers where his dick had just been. "Ugh. Just stop, you're done, you've, you've had your fun..." His voice was shaking and Rodney miserably wished that it wouldn't do that to him.

"Oh, I think we can find something a little bit more satisfying," Kolya replied sounding amused more than anything and that nearly broke him. "You're not even a good whore, McKay. The attraction must only be for your brains."

Kolya couldn't know how many old wounds he was rubbing salt into right then.

"Yes, that's it. Because this whole mission was based on sex and how good everyone was at it, not trying to put together a good team. That explains a lot about why so many Genii missions go-- ow, fuck, ow, ow, stop, stop, please, ow, I take it back, stop..." Kolya leaned in closer, stretching the two fingers he had inside of Rodney and it felt like he was trying to push one into his cervix which just fucking hurt because that was not how human anatomy went and Rodney's was probably less workable than normal.

He smirked a little. "That explains a great deal. I would like to see your version of it." He glanced over at John. "You and him."

"What? No, no, no, we don't do that, I don't do that, with anyone, I, no, no, no-- oh, oh fuck, stop." He wasn't going to have much choice and when Kolya did back off, he was hurting, trying to gather his thoughts together.

"Let me make it simple, Dr. McKay. He will fuck you or you will fuck him, otherwise we will toss him in with the Wraith right here and now." Kolya demanded. "Or I will just shoot him in the head."

"McKay..."John said shaking his head.

Guns, guns were a pretty big motivation for him to do what he was told. "Fine. Fine, you want a show..."

"I do. Would you prefer Colonel Sheppard in a more amenable position?" Kolya asked cordially, as if he hadn't just raped him. Like that didn't matter. "I'd rather not let him free, he does have this tendency to kill people."

He shifted, when Kolya moved to drag him over to John. "I, I can handle this. There really isn't an amenable position to do this."

"You always were one of my more cooperative prisoners," Kolya answered, shoving him so he nearly fell on John.

"You don't have to do this, Rodney," John said. "I'll take my chances with the Wraith, don't do this."

"If this is some, some attempt to save my honor, it's a little late for that and I don't value it enough to watch you die for it." Not that it made the awkwardness any less, of kneeling over John's crotch when John was tied up.

"Don't make me do this..." John said in a low voice and he had no idea what he was talking about. John couldn't do anything, that was the point. Frankly he wanted him alive, even if he hated him for it. "Rodney..."

"You can have your existential freak-out later." Rodney shifted and closed his eyes for a moment, reaching down for John's dick. Kolya was watching and it made his nerves flutter. "I'm sorry."

"He's doing this to undermine us," John murmured and closed his eyes as if his touch gave him pain. "Just...I can't not..."

John was talking but he wasn't making sense. None of this made sense, except John would be alive. That was one virtue of cowardice over pride.

Living.

"I'm not going to hold this against you. We can... When we get out." Work it out then and he was going to have to explain himself and that never went well. No-one ever looked at him the same after they found out and it drove him miserable.

"I don't want to not like this." But he was responding and maybe that was a part of it. He seemed to be fighting what was happening. Rodney was willing to let him stall, until Kolya paced closer, gun visibly angled towards them. He squeezed, trying to get John hard.

”I don't think we have much choice. Just, just don't think about it."

"I can't." And he was struggling and trying to break the rope but he was getting hard, which Rodney wouldn't have betted on because there'd been at least one occasion where the revelation had led to instant impotence.

The gun moved in his line of vision and Rodney flinched. "Yes, you can. You've had sex with how many women? Just..." Rodney shifted , inexpertly angling John's dick so he could lower himself onto it. If he was going to need therapy afterwards, he might as well go for the gusto. Really fuck himself up, if it just meant that John went along with it and they didn't end up shot. "Just pretend I'm a really ugly one."

That got John to open his eyes at least. "No," he said, whatever THAT meant. No, he wouldn't pretend, or No, he wasn't ugly, who knew?

But he didn't imagine the movement in him when he settled.

It felt wrong and more than a little disconcerting because that wasn't how he preferred to do penetrative sex. Not that it was always bad but he was slick from Kolya, sore from the man's fingers. "Not so bad."

"You’re a bad liar, McKay,” Sheppard said to him and didn't avoid his gaze any more. He was looking at him, watching him, doing something all the time. There had been times he'd tried to imagine a situation where he and John...

But most of them had involved drugs and daydreams.

He should have added strange hostage situations to the list, Rodney decided, lifting his hips. The sooner it was over, the sooner that Kolya might leave the room. "Maybe."

He moved on John and John moved with him and some of the soreness disappeared under rising endorphins and so what? He did what he had to do. He didn't want anyone killed when discomfort would save them.

John was writhing around as much as being tied hand and foot allowed him.

Under other circumstances... Yeah well that would never happen. Especially not now.

Even if it had, it wouldn't have gotten far because he had the wrong parts. He could take the moment as it was and work with John to get him off.

He'd imagined if he ever been in this position that he'd take his time, maybe seduce John some, not force him, or have John thinking he was doing something incredibly wrong.

"Not your fault," Rodney reiterated in a whisper, leaning down over John, trying to pick up the pace.

"Goddamn it," John groaned. "Rodney!" It seemed to be all he could manage and he sounded like his throat was tight with emotion.

Rodney closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on getting John off. He squeezed as tight as he could and fuck, why couldn't John be a hair trigger like Kolya was?

And there it was, finally and there was no accomplishment in getting him to that point. Not now. There was a heat and warmth inside of him and an exhalation from John as if he was breathing his last breath rather than having an orgasm and finally after his attempted movement beneath him, he became still.

Rodney shifted, knelt back. His knees were killing him and his back hurt and his cunt ached and it was just miserable. He shifted, got off of John and just knelt there beside him, waiting for... whatever came next because he very much doubted that Kolya had put his gun away or that he didn't have some commentary to give.

The Genii commander smiled, his eyes flicked over to John and back again. "Interesting," he said and gestured to the guards even as he exited the cell. "Very interesting. We'll be back when I've judged Dr. Weir has had enough time to contact Ladon Radim. Believe me, in comparison this was mere light entertainment. Until later."

And with that, they just turned and left them both there.

Okay. That could have been worse, Rodney decided a little hazily. He stayed still until the door had been closed and re-locked and then he moved to try to untie john.

John was oddly distant as Rodney did that, wavering from looking away to looking right at him. He was tugging at the ropes and hoping they weren't completely screwed instead of just literally screwed as they had just been. He found it hard to connect what had just happened as rape, even though, logically, he knew it had been.

"You didn't have to do that," John said. "You shouldn't have. He's going to kill me anyway."

"Well, I'm sorry I bought us a little more time and made it later rather than sooner." Rodney felt his mouth twist miserably as he got the ropes around John's wrists loose.

The look John gave him then showed he'd misinterpreted what he'd meant but didn't say how nor did John tell him. John shook his wrists out, the marks on them deep from his struggling. "Time to get dressed," he said in an entirely normal tone as if the events of the last hour had never happened. "He did that expecting one or both of us to lose it. He knows we're too good a team together to stay locked up."

"I expect shock is going to keep me from losing it for a while." Rodney pulled back and steadied himself using the wall. It seemed like the best way to carry on. Just... Just pretend it hadn't happened. That Kolya hadn't done that and that he hadn't fucked himself onto John and that he was queasy. That was just low blood sugar, and he was going to pretend he was half as professional and cool about it as John actually seemed to be. So. Clothes. He needed to put his pants and underwear back on, or he could sacrifice underwear to mop up some of that slick, just fucked feeling, semen and wetness. Right, yes, he didn't actually need underwear just then. He needed to feel somewhat clean. And out of there.

"We're going to get out of here. I'm not going to let his transparent ploys stop that. I'm going to get you back home. Rodney, I can promise you that," John added. "They will come for us."

"Your brother is lhamana," the Wraith rasped. "He will be hunted by every Wraith alive."

"Why? What the hell? What am I, a Wraith delicacy?" Rodney pulled his pants on, struggling to pull his shirt back on. "I'd rather not be a bon-bon, thanks."

"The essence of lhamana allows a Queen to birth a new fertile queen. They are precious. We are long lived and warriors and drones born often but new queens take many generations," the Wraith answered.

"Hear that, Rodney? You're precious," John said, glancing at him as he pulled on his pants and shoes. He didn't sound completely like he was joking, which was weird.

Because Rodney really didn't need that, didn't need to hear that or... "Fantastic. Great. I think I would have rather been fed on. This is..." Insanity. It was insanity and he needed to start working out a way to get the door open if he had to pry it off with his own fingers.

"That would be your fate with the queen that got you. We call lhamana war-bringers. When one is sensed, which is hard to do, often there is war between the hives," the Wraith said. "For a Hive's legacy comes from a new-born queen."

"Yeah well, Rodney's not going to be anyone's snack," John said as he pulled on his shirt. It was incredible how nothing seemed to touch him.

Just fucking incredible, and he wasn't going to flip out at John, or at all. He was going to take a deep breath and pull his jacket back on and then he was going to go back to getting the door open. "Colonel, do you have any tools on you? Anything they didn't take?"

"My fingernails. Some bits of rope someone left on me," John answered. He shook his head. "No, they took everything."

He was looking at him in that way he recognized. Speculating, wondering.

Just what he was wondering, Rodney wasn't ever sure. But he'd seen that look before and he couldn't really process it just then. "Okay. Right, I'm down to about the same. Shoe laces aren't going to get us far, what about the lighting here?"

"Ceilings are high and barred," John said. "The main light source is outside." That seemed to prompt him into trying to reach it, though. It was too far, but that didn't stop him trying for far too long. "Can't reach it."

Which he'd already deduced. Rodney folded his arms over his chest, concentrating on thinking. He just needed a way out, they just needed an escape, they just...

Were trapped. Fuck. Of course the Genii had taken anything remotely useful and it wasn't as if Rodney could manufacture a bomb with his hair. John's, maybe, but they didn't have matches. "You're not hiding anything in your boots, are you?"

"Aside from my feet? Oh and that block of C4 I completely forgot about?" John replied in a sardonic tone.

"No, Rodney, contrary to popular belief most people don't keep things in their boots." He sighed a little. "And the fact I did and they took it, is another matter."

Rodney grimaced and sat down, immediately wishing that he hadn't sat down because as far as improving things went, it didn't go far. "So, we just wait."

"Pretty much," John answered, lowering himself to sit against the wall a little stiffly himself and Rodney belatedly remembered there had been some sort of tasering going on there. "So..."

There it was, the dangling question in his voice.

He supposed he could let John drag it out of him, slowly, but John had already had a dick up his cunt and that was pretty, well, almost self-explanatory. "So, I worked out that I should have been male when I was the grand age of eight."

"So all that's surgery?" John asked sounding a little uncomfortable, but also from the sounds of it, wanting to know.

"All what? I had the, well, breasts removed as soon as I had the money and was old enough. Student loans were probably never so well spent." He kept his arms crossed over his chest. Researching it had been hell, too, finding a doctor whose work consistently looked good and by good, Rodney meant nothing like butchery, where the nipples went missing or something, because his feeling about that had been right -- only space aliens didn't have nipples.

"No, I mean you've got a cock and a .." Sheppard seemed uncomfortable. "Thought they made one out of the other."

It was surprising he even knew that and obviously he was assuming that he was a pure female to male transsexual.

"Right, well, let's call it a birth defect and move on. I decided to not have the surgery done, the whole... scooping out your insides idea sort of bothered me and it's still not very well done, but after this, I think I could go for a whole hysterectomy after all. Next time we get some shore-leave." Rodney rubbed at his face, peering sideways at John. "You're not going to freak out at me, are you? Because I don't think I'm up to it right now. I could actually probably recite one of the many versions I've heard, if you'd prefer that."

"No. Kinda thinking there are bigger things to freak out about," John said. "You get a bad reaction often?"

Ha. Yeah, like he didn't get any other kind.

"You could just have made that a statement instead of a question. Women aren't all that hot for it and men either relish it in the freak show aspect or just..." Rodney waved a hand slightly. "And I'd really rather not talk about it, but if I don't talk about something, I'm going to throw up. And I doubt they're going to come in here and clean any time soon."

"Throwing up would be bad," John agreed. There was a long pause, awkward and unsettled before he said. "I'm sorry, McKay, for responding. Doing that to you. You shouldn't have had to do that sort of thing."

The Colonel was apologizing to him and that was very disturbing because he hardly ever did that; he wasn't the apologizing type. Rodney closed his eyes and shook his head a little. "Look, just, just forget it. You got hard, you got off. It's what Kolya wanted to happen. I'll stay angry with him, thanks, not you."

"Yeah, okay," John answered and Rodney was pretty sure that Sheppard didn't believe a word of it. "So anyway, how about prime not prime huh?"

And Rodney would take any lifeline thrown his way right then as long as it had nothing to do with what had just happened.

"23,513."

* * *

He'd tried again when they finally came for them; went for the guards and took another zap that turned his muscles to jelly and he only dimly registered that they were restraining him to what was an absurdly comfortable chair. He shook his head and looked around, hearing Rodney give their captors a hard time and he would've smiled, but it had been so hard to try and be normal. He'd failed to protect Rodney and for all the other man said he was un-expendable and they rolled their eyes, it was the truth.

Atlantis could survive without him, but probably not without Rodney. And now Rodney was something special which protected his life temporarily at least, but not forever.

Not if the Wraith got a hold of Rodney and knew what he was at the same time. They'd had Rodney captive before but maybe it was the fact that their next door neighbor was starving that he'd caught on. John wasn't sure but they needed to just hang on long enough to... be found. John trusted that they'd find them.

There was really nothing else to do but trust in that.

"It's nothing personal, Colonel Sheppard," Kolya remarked, turning his head to look towards the crude camera set up.

"Of course not," John answered. "Nice harpoon by the way."

Damn sneaky and a very Genii way of doing something, but it had worked all too well.

"Thank you. It was designed by a traitor, but his tools were effective. Perhaps Doctor McKay could improve upon it." Kolya gestured his head towards Rodney as he was brought into the room, struggling. Gagged, too, which didn't surprise John much. "Perhaps her children will be an asset to the Genii, if your Doctor Weir refuses to cooperate with me."

"Mmmph-yfh!"

"You know she won't," John replied. "Which makes this whole exercise useless. What do you want, Kolya?"

"It's 'who'." He turned towards the camera and gestured to his men. "Doctor Weir, if you're receiving this, please respond."

John had sudden flashbacks to the training they'd been given before action in Afghanistan and the Middle East. How to behave when a terrorist has you and is probably using you as a hostage.

"I know you're there, Dr. Weir. The existence of Atlantis is no secret among the Genii. It would be pointless not to answer."

He heard the crackle and then there was a response, "This is Dr. Weir," and John mentally sighed. Once the 'audience' was assured the next steps were inevitable.

The play, the vague threat, the baiting, maybe a little bloodletting, but he was tied to a chair and so was Rodney as proof that they were alive. Horrifying threats to get the other side to comply. But an American headed expedition certainly did _not_ deal with hostage situations that way. It was rescue or death or eventual release and John didn't see Kolya just turning them both free with a pat on the back and a smile.

"Good. I wanted to be sure that you were here to see this." He moved, stepped back from the camera, and gestured towards John and Rodney both.

"What have you done to them, Kolya?" Elizabeth said in a sharp tone and John decided he had to spare Elizabeth the guilt of what was inevitable.

"By my command authority, whatever he says don't do i-" a hand almost immediately slapped over his mouth and he missed whatever the hell was being said between Elizabeth and Kolya because he was having a cloth wedged in his mouth and then wrapped around.

Fuck. That could've gone better.

"Simply give me Ladon Radim and Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay will be returned to you," Kolya was saying.

"What makes you think he is here?" Elizabeth replied.

"I have sources who have confirmed this fact for me. He has travelled through the gate, to Atlantis. All I require of you is to turn him over to me and your people will be released unharmed into your custody." Beside him, Rodney tried to rock out of his chair, shouting against his gag.

He was pretty sure Rodney was shouting the Rodney equivalent of 'Liar, Liar pants on fire' and possibly about the Wraith too. John knew it really was personal to Kolya. He'd been responsible for the death of his men. A lot of his men, including a son.

"The answer is no, Kolya. We do not give in to coercion. You will release Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay immediately," Elizabeth replied, sounding like steel and diamond. He could imagine her expression.

He didn't need to see it to know it. "If you were given a choice, who would you prefer I release?" No, no, there was no good answer to that, it was just who he'd torture in front of them as a coercion.

"You can't ask me to make that sort of a decision," Elizabeth replied and he could hear the fact that the question had rattled her.

He wanted to say, “Don't fall for the mind games, he's going to make what happens your fault. If you say Rodney it will mean I'm 'Expendable', if you say me then it means I am the best bargaining chip.” But he was effectively silenced by the gag.

Elizabeth knew the protocol. Military knew the risks, civilians first.

"I want Ladon Radim. He is a traitor to our people. I have two of your commanding officers. Not one, but two, and I am not a spineless man. I will not use idle threats to stir you into making a decision, Doctor Weir. Who do you value most -- Doctor McKay or Colonel Sheppard?"

"I value both." Elizabeth said. "You are trying to get me to select one for torture or death, Kolya, under the pretense of value. Do not assume that I am not aware of how people like you work. And if my answer does not suit you then you will ignore it."

Every now and then John was reminded that Elizabeth had honed her skills in some tough areas.

"I do not doubt your seriousness, Kolya, but I will not take away your responsibility for what you plan."

John could see Kolya's jaw twitch, but the man nodded. "You could take responsibility from me by handing over Ladon Radim. Then your people will be released. If you do not agree to hand over Ladon Radim, I have a fate in mind for Colonel Sheppard." He signaled to his men and John was less than surprised to see them bringing out a hobbled, shuffling Wraith.

"Oh my God," he heard Elizabeth say and then "Don't do this!"

That wasn't going to stop him.

"Colonel Sheppard could've left you to die but he didn't!" he heard another voice say and it sounded like Carson. "He doesn't deserve this!"

"Let us be clear - no one does," Kolya said and he gestured to the guards as they unlocked some sort of gauntlet.

He glanced over at Rodney wondering if this was it. This was the end of everything and he would've failed completely. He didn't listen to any more of the demands, he just focused on Rodney. He had to get through this for him, had to survive if he could so Rodney wouldn't die.

As long as there were two of them, their combined chances of surviving were much higher than if it was just one of them, either one of them.

"Don't do this."

"Give me Ladon Radim."

John expected the silence that followed, expected Elizabeth's breath to catch and hold and for her to stand firm. Kolya signaled the Wraith over, pulled his shirt open to make the feed easier.

He nodded to the guards and just like that the Wraith lunged and the pain was tearing through him. It seemed to reach into his spine and fire everything at once, paling every form of pain he had experienced into insignificance. But worse was the sense of the Wraith's presence in his fucking head, pushing in, seeping into his body and mind and without the gag he would be screaming… screaming his throat raw, stoicism be damned. He was dying and he could feel life ripped out of him, his core chewed on by predator teeth and it went on and on and his life was trickling away.

This was dying. This was what he'd saved Sumner from, that kind of slow, agonizing death and he wished that there was someone to put a bullet through his head, too, when it stopped suddenly. He could feel the energy that had been pulled fall back into him, like backwash from a straw. Just a little, but it felt so good.

"Three hours is the amount of time that a human needs to recover enough from a feeding to be fed on again. I will dial the gate again in an hour to see if you're ready to hand Ladon Radim over to me. You have an hour to decide, or I will start to take apart Doctor McKay."

He was shaking, feeling the clammy perspiration as if he was in shock from being gunshot or something and he could barely focus as he was untied and dragged upright. This couldn't happen to Rodney, this couldn't...

The cloth was being tugged out of his mouth and he was panting and shaking, unable to stop. The pain seemed to be congealing around his joints and vital organs.

It was like a heart attack or what he guessed a heart attack felt like. If it could be stretched out and shared as a full body experience.

When Rodney's gag was removed, he cussed, snarled and snapped almost right away, "What the hell was the point of that? You're killing him!"

"I'm well aware, Doctor McKay. And when I next contact Doctor Weir, given our Wraith's disposition, I'll have to find something else to do with you."

"N-No..." John gasped out. "No, not...not Rodney." He couldn't fail so completely. They had to get out of there, they had to move. Had to…

"You do not get a choice, Colonel Sheppard. Should it be knives? They were surprisingly effective before."

"I thought you just said there was no choice!" Rodney shifted, jerked forwards in the chair, trying to struggle himself free. Good. Good, all he had to do was get himself free and get tasered and no, no, that was not a plan.

"There is no choice," Kolya agreed. "Men, take them back to their cells. I have an hour to come up with a way of debasing you enough to get Doctor Weir to give in to my demand. You don't have to worry about what I decide."

An hour. John couldn't imagine being able to move in a day let alone an hour. He was literally dragged back to the cell ahead of Rodney, unable to do anything even when they tossed him on the floor.

They needed to escape - in an hour.

There was no way that was going to happen. Not with Rodney kicking pointlessly at the door and turning away from it with a miserable whimper. "Son of a bitch. He has to know that she's not going to give in."

"Neither... are... we..." John replied, looking up at the ceiling because the strength he needed to raise his head was lurking just out of reach. "They will come."

"And find what? You drained and me cut to ribbons?" Rodney crouched down in front of him and reached to prod lightly at the raw bloody holes where the Wraith had fed from. "Jesus, here, let me... wrap that somehow, or you're going to bleed out before it's even a worry about death by other causes."

"Ow." John complained a little randomly. "We'll think of something. We have to…"

Huh, they needed help to get out of here and the only other prisoner was the Wraith. Maybe he could convince the Wraith to tell Kolya Rodney had to be in good condition, because he knew he was thinking of trading with the Wraith. Or...convince Kolya fakery would have the effect if he had to do something.

Yeah, because Kolya was going to have mercy on Rodney, after he'd raped Rodney because he could. Right.

"I'm out of ideas. You're out of energy. If you have any bright escape plans or some method that they covered in military school, I'm all ears because right now I'm out of ideas." He pressed his hand over the wound, trying to stem the blood flow.

It made him shudder involuntarily but there were pins and needles in his arms as if sensation was coming back. "It's coming back... some."

It hurt, hurt like his insides had twisted up and died on him.

"Feeling in your body or the ability to come up with stupid escape plans? I'm up for either right now." Rodney pressed, peering down at John.

"Both." John chuckled a little. He needed to get to the Wraith, he him on their side. If he could convince him that they could escape, that they could do it together. Four guards could be beaten if they worked together even if he felt like shit. The Wraith must know the way out. They just needed to get to the gate. "I'm working on it, Rodney."

"Great. I'll, uh, just stay here and make sure you don't bleed out," Rodney's voice tipped towards miserable but he had an hour, maybe less now and then it was his turn.

John wasn't sure what he could do in that time, but he was sure as hell going to try.

* * *

Rodney knew it, mentally, but he wasn't sure why they kept answering the transmissions, why they kept watching and hanging in until Kolya ended the transmission. Maybe it was so they never had to wonder how he and John had died. So they'd _know_ and it made Rodney wonder what else they were doing, if they were doing anything at all, to find them. He didn't want to die and he didn't want to die publicly and he didn't want Kolya to cut at his skin again. It was nothing life-ruining, just flashy and frightening and painful. The slash on the side of his neck probably needed stitches, but pressure had been serving the purpose well enough. John had been fed on again and he'd been left on his own in the cell.

Two feedings had left John looking like he was in his fifties and completely exhausted. He was left alone in the cell when Rodney was hauled up and off to be filmed again. It left Rodney wondering how many more feedings John would survive and just what Kolya had in store for him.

As John had pointed out, there was a paradox there because they all knew they wanted Rodney alive but they also wanted Elizabeth to give in. They wanted him to suffer without damaging him beyond repair.

John had been surprisingly close and careful with him, using what strips of cloth he could to dress the cuts and then just sat next to him, pulling him close as he shivered with what he charitably described as 'shock'.

He'd been pretty quiet then, only half listening to the way John was trying to talk around the Wraith. It was a goddamned Wraith. Wraith just wanted to eat people, not form alliances. They'd learned that one to their cost. Then they'd taken him and he'd come back grey with pain and barely able to move and all he could think of was what would happen to him this time.

John and the Wraith had a plan, and not that Rodney trusted the Wraith as far as he could throw him -- which wasn't far at all -- but at least it gave Rodney a little hope, while he was paraded into the same dull room where they'd been filmed before. Kolya was already there, probably because it kept him as far from the Wraith as possible, arms folded over his chest. It made Rodney wish he hadn't been pre-gagged.

"Welcome back, Dr. McKay," Kolya said dryly, signaling presumably for the transmission to begin. "Dr. Weir, I trust you are there? I would like to assume that you have seen sense and are preparing to hand over Ladon Radim to me."

"My people do not negotiate with terrorists." Rodney nodded his head up and down, yes, yes, they didn't negotiate with terrorists and seriously, how was the equivalent of shaving nicks supposed to scare her into submission?

"An interesting term. Colonel Sheppard is most unwell after the last feeding. I sincerely doubt he will survive the next one and Dr. McKay here...well, as the sight of blood seemed to leave you unmoved I believe we will try other methods." He gestured and two guards with rather too much practice pull his hands up over his head and then pulled hard enough that he was lifted out of contact with the ground.

He struggled with the gag, snapping and trying to growl against it. They were going to kill him or brain damage him or just accidentally pull his arms out of their sockets, which was pretty damn important.

"Kolya, no method is going to make me trade a Genii leader for a hostage. I will not do this for you."

"Then I will take solace in the fact that I am depriving an enemy of the Genii two very valuable assets," Kolya answered, nodding again and with shocking suddenness, two large buckets of very cold water were thrown over him, making him want to gasp.

He didn't have the chance to even fully react to the shocking cold -- because while he'd wanted a bath, a shower, anything, that wasn't what he'd had in mind -- before he felt his muscles seize up tightly.

The Genii tasers were in action. No sooner had one convulsion gone through him then there was another that made him spasm uncontrollably. First on his back, his arms, his legs and then Kolya started getting more creative.

"Doctor Weir..."

"No, no, I will not give in, you need to resolve this through your own people."

Rodney was shivering, shaking and he should have been surprised when Kolya pressed it against his crotch, but he wasn't.

He was screaming into the cloth and arching like a fish on a hook. Then there was one to his throat and oh god, he couldn't breathe because his neck was in spasm and he was thrashing around but things were getting grey around the edges and Elizabeth, no, Ronon or Carson was shouting...

He couldn't breathe!

He couldn't breathe, couldn't think and tried to struggle, tried to fight the press of electricity around his throat and fuck, fuck, he needed to breathe, he needed to, oh, god, he was going to die, throat shut, killed on live transmission back to the City.

There was another shock there, as if it wasn't bad enough already and it was like anaphylaxis. He was having flash backs to the point where he'd nearly died because his throat swelled shut.

"You're KILLING him!" It sounded like Carson shouting but the roaring noise in his ears started to make concentrating difficult.

"Yes that is his eventual fate," Kolya replied.

"No, you bloody idiot, he's dying now...take the thing away from his throat! He's going blue!"

It stopped suddenly and he could feel his throat slowly let air in and fuck, the gag wasn't helping but he could get some in, choking and struggling against the hands holding him up. "In two hours, Colonel Sheppard will be drained. Another hour after that, I will finish off Doctor McKay for your viewing pleasure. Or, you can agree to give me Ladon Radim when I dial in again. The choice is yours."

The transmission cut off and he was lowered, the gag pulled out of his mouth. "You were lucky, Dr. McKay. Next time you will not be," Kolya said. "Next time perhaps we will do a repeat performance of our first encounter in the cell."

"Oh, oh, that's, yeah, sure, I'm sure you'd like that." Not that most of his words sounded anything like the letters he was trying to formulate but the thought was what counted. Rodney hoped. "Oh fuck, that hurt."

"I can guarantee next time will hurt more," Kolya said. "Take him back to his cell. Check Sheppard has not died."

From his tone, that was all too common an occurrence.

"I hope I give you an STD!" He twisted, tried to struggle with the guards, except sensation was seeping into his body and it wasn't good. He was light headed and he wanted to throw up. Every contact point of the tasers burned and ached. If he was lucky, he wouldn't get gangrene.

Of course, he had to work out how to survive that long.

Two guards mostly dragged him back to the cell as they had Sheppard and as they came in view of the cell, he could see John's body sprawled near the entrance at a peculiar angle. No one could rest in a position like that, which probably meant...

"Looks dead. Hold on to him a moment, I'll check him," one of the guards said and opened the cell, moving over to Sheppard and grabbing at his jacket to haul him. Rodney nearly missed what happened next.

Somehow that guard went down. Sheppard had his knife and stabbed at him wildly. The other guard dropped him and Sheppard was on him, pivoting him down towards the Wraith's cell. The Wraith was ready and - fuck, snatched at the man, pulling him back against the bars.

John had his hands full and he hissed "Rodney the keys, the keys and the Wraith - go!"

Go. Go, that was their escape plan. Rodney snatched at the man's ridiculously obvious jailer keys and hastily unlocked the cell the Wraith was in before giving it a wide berth.

The Wraith was out, smashing its gauntlet against the bars and shaking the metal free, before plunging his hand into the Genii soldier’s chest with a cry of hungry satisfaction.

John had finished his work and had collected the guns. "Rodney, you okay?" he said, offering him a pistol.

"No, I'm not okay but I'm more than willing to try to get out of here." He clutched miserably onto the pistol and gestured a little with it. Yeah, he'd be fine. He could fire in someone's general direction as long as they got out of there and didn't end up Wraith-eaten.

"Gonna get home," John said and he still didn't look right but he moved like he didn't care. He looked at the Wraith, who had visibly improved from the feeding, and some sort of weird understanding seemed to pass between them. "Let's go."

He didn't get time to do anything except follow, still cold and wet, even as they ambushed the next batch of Genii soldiers. It was messier.

It was John crouching down to fire off shots and the Wraith going in for the ones that John had shot first, strengthening himself on men who might have just been wounded. But it seemed to work with the Wraith clearing the path ahead of them, sapping life from men just before they died. Rodney just tried to get the trigger to work, to get his hands to work.

The Wraith took a few hits, bleeding black blood and they moved along corridors again - clambering up to another hatch before emerging on the surface of a strange planet. Getting to a safer point, they all half collapsed.

"Well..." Sheppard said. "That was about as easy as I expected." He was there trying to help him sit. "You're soaking wet, Rodney."

"Cold water and electricity." He shifted, trying to shuck off his jacket. "We should head for the gate. We need to, to get off this planet..." And away from the Wraith that was eyeing them like they were snacks.

John looked over at the Wraith. "You do know the way to the Gate right?"

There was a conspicuous silence which spoke volumes.

"Way to go, John, trusting a Wraith!" Sheppard had a rare burst of frustration.

"It was not my intention to deceive you, Sheppard," the Wraith replied. "It has been many years since I was brought here."

"Oh, fantastic." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest and pivoted, staring through the grasses. "Logically, they wouldn't build their compound right next to the gate, but they would put it close to the gate, which still doesn't help us. Fantastic."

There was a crackle from one of the purloined radios. "No sign of them, reinforcements arrived at the gate, sir."

"Concentrate on that area and capture Sheppard and McKay alive. The Wraith can be killed on sight."

"Well that's cheery," John said. "Still, least we know we're not expendable. Sorry, they seem to like us better than you."

John was taking off his jacket. "Here, Rodney. You'll get hypothermia or something and Carson will have my hide if I take you home like that."

"We'll be a pair, coming through the gate like this." Rodney swallowed and gestured vaguely to John and his aching age and he probably needed the coat more but Rodney wasn't going to say no and start an argument over that. "We could just stay here. Listen to see if the gate's close by the tromping reinforcements.

John looked over at the Wraith, who was definitely struggling. "Okay. We stick together. We all go home alive."

And he was including the Wraith in that declaration and Rodney had no idea how he did that. Or why, or what terms they'd come to when he was out of the cell being shocked for Kolya's entertainment. "I think that's, ah, ideally what each of us wants, yes. Now, how do we get to the gate?"

"While there's still some light, we need to sweep the area for a trail. There will be some evidence of a route," John answered. "You able to move?" he asked the Wraith.

“I can move." It was flat out on its back when it assured John but the Wraith slowly started to sit up. Between the three of them, they could move at the rate of wounded snails, but it would be moving.

"I'll just follow your lead."

"Okay, let's take a look," John said and Rodney wished he knew how he did that. Somehow they were a team, out of nowhere.

If it had been dark, they would've had to wait, but there was enough light for an hour.

There was enough light for John to start through the underbrush, Rodney crashing carefully beside him, the Wraith vaguely to one side, an uneasy partnership for the moment because it worked out best for everyone involved. John seemed to find a path and they followed it. The air was starting to cool down and Rodney's clothes were still wet and miserable and fuck, fuck, he just had to keep walking. Think about Atlantis and long showers.

There was always the fact that a Genii army might be around the gate that they had to get through, but they were picking their way there little by little. The Wraith, even injured, moved like a predator - and that was disconcerting.

They were in sight of the gate, night almost on them.

He supposed that they could pick their way through, draw off a few Genii here and there and the Wraith could feed. They gathered in a quiet group, watching the gate. Rodney turned to John and the Wraith. "We have to distract them from the DHD."

"I am not healed enough," the Wraith said regretfully. "I must feed before I can get there."

John looked at the Genii troops. "I'll have to try and draw them away," he said and Rodney had a horrible suspicion the entire plan was going to be running at the Genii and trying not to get killed.

"And what do you want _me_ to do?" Rodney demanded quietly.

"You and our Wraith buddy here make for the DHD," John said. "I'm still pretty mobile. He'll watch your back - he won't let you get killed. That's something we both agree on."

"Sheppard speaks the truth," the Wraith answered. "We could make this work."

"So you're bait and we... head for the DHD." And the Wraith followed him through and then what? But it was better than any other plan and it was also the only plan. "If I yell for you, you need to make it to the gate. I won't dial home direct."

John nodded and slapped him lightly on the shoulder. "Be ready to move."

And with that he disappeared, off to flank the contingent at the gate.

"He is an unusual human. I did not truly believe he would keep his word. He could've left the cell locked," the Wraith said in a soft voice as they waited and the light vanished almost completely.

"He's honest. Sometimes to a fault." And Rodney was a rare Wraith snack-treat, like royal jelly, and he wasn't going to let John waste his opportunity. When John got the Genii's attention, Rodney bolted for the DHD.

John's version of attention grabbing involved a lot of firing, a lot of explosions. He could only hope that he'd managed to get hold of what sounded like a Genii machine gun because bullets were flying and they used the darkness to get to the DHD. The Wraith pounced and drained a guard by the DHD and that gave him the strength to tackle more, growing more fearsome by the moment.

He was punching the glyphs, picking neutral territory and trying to duck flying bullets.

Locking, locking, he needed it to lock, he needed the Gate to catch, yes, one more glyph, and they had a wormhole. "Colonel!" Rodney pivoted, trying to sight John in the field. "Colonel!"

It was dark out there and Sheppard was wearing black but as he turned he saw a group of Genii leveling their sights on him and the Wraith and then the shout of "Down, Rodney!" There was more fire and the Colonel illuminated as the light of the wormhole flashed into existence.

And that meant he saw all too clearly when it happened. Sheppard was hit more than once by Genii gunfire and went down. The Wraith whirled around, moving over to his body and crouching down, feeding on him before he was dead. It was like cutting a finger in front of a vampire, Rodney supposed, as he stayed down, firing in that direction, trying to -- fuck, fuck, it had its hand on John's chest, it--

"Get through the gate, lhamana!" the Wraith growled. "He wishes it. I will attend to him. Go!"

Attend to him. Rodney checked the central home character of the gate on the DHD, and then ran for it. It would be a start to finding the planet, to finding John. He ran at the gate and found himself stumbling out the other side, stumbling straight to the DHD to turn the wormhole off to get home. Get home, dial Atlantis, get home, safe and send a team to find John. He could do that, he could not fail John after John had gotten them out.

He didn't want to think about the fact that John was dying. He didn't want to think about the fact that he'd heard John scream as he was running through the wormhole. He had to get them back there, he had to try and rescue John.

He started to enter the coordinates for Atlantis, waiting for it to connect. He had to get back there, with a lot of men and a lot of guns, and get John back. It was really just that simple.

* * *

The loud over-the-com tirade from Rodney to get the iris force field down right now- because he had to get back, and they had to head back to rescue John immediately so that a double crossing Wraith didn’t finish him off before he died from bullet wounds - gave Carson the time to get to the gate room with a team and an emergency kit.

Then Zelenka was there as well, lap top in hand. Lorne was mustering a team of Marines to make sure Rodney wasn't coming in as a front, and – if Rodney was alone - to get through the gate after John as soon as possible.

"Lower the shield," Elizabeth ordered and then said "You can come through now, Rodney."

"I didn't dial straight, I didn't dial straight, I gate-hopped, I, there was too many of them, you need to dial, you need to go back for him, fuck, I don't even know the address..." Rodney stumbled through the gate, half turning around as he did so. He seemed disoriented, but torture could do that to anyone, and Carson had seen Rodney coming through the gate without the rest of the team before. "No, I know the base symbol for the gate."

"Easy lad. Easy. I think we need to get you to the Infirmary." He seen enough of the blood and then the near asphyxiation to know that if that was all that would be enough."

"Rodney, give me base symbols. What you can remember." Radek said. half cradling his laptop. "We will go back in Jumper, yes? Have address correlates here."

"You..." Rodney stared at Carson for a second, and then Radek's screen, and gestured to it. "That one, it's that one because that's the address. Sheppard's been shot, and the Wraith had him. You need to go now."

"Let them take you to the infirmary," Carson urged. "We'll go and I'm sure we'll be back in no time."

That wasn't good. Fed on three times and shot, that wasn't sounding good at all. The prognosis hadn't been good after two feedings.

But a third...

Rodney nodded unsteadily and let one of the other doctors guide him towards a gurney. Carson would see how he was later, after they went through the gate. Lorne nodded at him and at Zelenka. "Doctor Weir, permission to go through the gate!"

"Go!" Elizabeth replied and it was as much a plea as an order and they literally ran to the jumper bay, Ronon and Teyla joining them and the Marines and piling into Jumper 3. Lorne had the ship airborne before they had chance to sit down and Zelenka was feeding in the two jump route. They couldn't risk the Genii seeing their dial in.

"Buckle up, we'll be doing a 180 the moment we emerge," Lorne warned as they lowered in front of the gate. "Here we go."

It always made Carson glad that he'd come up with the gene therapy that allowed for so many more Marines to be able to pilot the jumpers because he was no good at even turning the bloody thing around, let alone in a 180. Lorne was a natural, of course.

John could make them sit up and beg. And they were out and literally turning and flipping like an Olympic swimmer hitting a length as Zelenka punched rapid dial and the wormhole reinitialized.

They burst out of the wormhole, cloaking immediately, and Carson knew enough to be activating the life signs scanners with his mind. "There's a lot of people down there, but I'm not picking up Colonel Sheppard's life signs," he said sounding as concerned as he felt.

"Is there anyone alive down there, Doctor Beckett?" Lorne shot him a look over his shoulder, and from the window, all Carson could see was bodies. Oh, bloody hell. Their Wraith had probably gone on a feeding rampage.

"Ye...uh no," A life sign flickered and died away. "Oh, crap. Take her down, Major, I think we're pretty much alone."

There was no answer from Lorne. Carson could feel his stomach knotting up as Lorne carefully landed the vessel.

"Okay, we'll fan out, search the area. You find Colonel Sheppard, you radio in and return to the jumper immediately. Doctor Beckett, you're with me. Zelenka, you're with Ronon." Covering the weakest members of the team, well, Carson couldn't get offended by it.

He preferred it that way. He hated the thought of endangering others by his comparative incompetence.

They left the jumper, and following Lorne’s example, started using flashlights to scan the ground. The number of Genii soldiers dead in this one area told him that this was where the main confrontation had been. There were withered bodies, some powdered into brittle chunks, presumably by stampeding panic. He couldn't see any sign of Colonel Sheppard, though he tracked the focal point of the action to in front of the gate. There things were very messy and he searched for anything familiar.

There, no, yes... Tangled around a messy pile of splintered bones was a black wrist band, and Carson's heart sank.

Lorne lowered his P-90, standing still beside the pile. "Do you want to do the DNA thing with that, or...? We've got the men here to get a sample of every pile."

"I'll take it back, but it doesn't look terribly promising," Carson said. "Truth is, the fatality rate after one feeding is over fifty percent and two feedings... Rodney reported he'd been shot and was being fed on a third time. Truthfully, if he survived I wouldn't even want to hazard a guess at how long that would last. Days at most."

"Look, I know Colonel Sheppard. If he could have dragged himself under a bush or something, he would have. He was a survivor." Lorne lifted his chin slightly and looked at his own life signs monitor. "What I'm saying is that he might have been that last signal we saw go out. He might have gone somewhere nearby. I had a cat that did that once."

The past tense was there already. "Aye well, we'll keep looking, take samples of everything. The Wraith is long gone at least." How was he going to tell Elizabeth or Rodney?

"Major Lorne, Ronon says he found a jacket back near the gate," Teyla said. "It is Colonel Sheppard's. That is the only trace there.”

Lorne tapped his radio to respond. "Good. Everyone, fall back to the gate. We're collecting samples, and then we'll come back to explore the complex with more men. If it was a Genii facility, maybe we can find something interesting."

Carson looked around. He couldn't believe it. Not after everything the Colonel had been through for it to end here, like this because Ladon bloody Radim was too slow at coming up with an address.

"When they do, tell them to tread carefully, if the Genii thought a Wraith was a suitable thing to stash away," he warned even as he collected up what samples he could.

He took back the wrist brace, careful in removing it from splinters of what had once been bone. He'd never had a chance to see what a complete Wraith feeding did to DNA and as far as opportunities went, it was one he would have rather not have, because it seemed as if John was dead. His testing would tell them that for sure but the wrist band spoke volumes.

"Will do, Doctor. Let's get you back to the base and you can get going on all of this."

He nodded a little grimly. Even though he liked to hope for the best, sometimes it just didn't work out the way it should.

Otherwise he wouldn't have spent the last day desperately worried over two friends, and he wouldn’t be likely to spend a long time grieving that only one had come back, hurt in a lot of different ways.

He'd stood there as strained witness to what Kolya had done to both of them, heard the rhetoric over and over, and he'd found himself wondering 'Why didn't they just hand Radim over?’ Why hadn't they? Because allies were few and far between, and even tentative alliance relationships were something to preserve. Except. Except, there was a quiet voice in the back of Carson's mind telling him that their military commander was dead now, and why? So two murderers could continue to have a pissing contest over the control of one group of people? The only saving grace Ladon had was that he listened to medical advice and that the Genii had started to listen to Rodney's scientific warnings. Neither Cowen nor Kolya would ever have accepted advice.

The gating back to Atlantis was missing that hurried feeling, that 'if we just move fast enough, we'll get him back alive' feeling. Because Colonel Sheppard was dead. There was nothing to hurry for and perhaps it was his imagination that all of them were moving stiltedly while they disembarked -- Lorne likely to brief Elizabeth before he and Teyla, Ronon, and probably another team or two went back to scour the base. The best thing Carson could hope for was that he'd find that Kolya was dead, too.

He didn't stop to say hello to Elizabeth, or give his word on what he was doing. She'd come down and check and he...

…could perhaps tend to a live patient.

He walked into the Infirmary, stopping to scrub his hands automatically before searching around. "Dr Biro, how is our patient?" he asked as he approached the busiest looking area of the place.

"Completely uncooperative!" Doctor Biro sounded at the end of her nerves and turned towards Carson in a gesture of surrender.

"Look, I just need a shower and some privacy and stitches. The obviously bleeding gashes, do you see these? I need them stitched! How hard is that?! My _neck_ is bleeding."

Carson nodded to Biro and smoothly stepped in. "Aye lad, I can see that." Privacy, not usually a Rodney thing. That was worrying. "Let's see what we can do for you, hmm?"

He was shivering, fingers pressed up against his neck. "Carson, thank god. Can you tell your fellow _voodoo_ doctors that I don't need a full EKG or whatever they were planning and have a few more, oh, _dripping_ injuries to deal with?"

"How about I take care of that for you?" Carson said it in a soft tone, making it half an order as he gathered together some gear. Prompted by a sudden instinct, he pulled the curtains around them, giving them the illusion of privacy. "Is that what you were after, Rodney?" he asked as he prepared to swab the wound. He knew why they wanted the EKG, because of the electric shocks, but Rodney wasn't going blue or showing signs of more than shock so he was willing to settle him down and then do the necessary.

That simple necessary could wait and Biro could satisfy herself that Rodney wasn't going to drop dead from his heart turning into a squirming bag of worms. "Yes." He lifted his chin a little, and carefully lowered his hand. "Colonel Sheppard... didn't come back with you, did he?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry, Rodney, there was no one alive on the planet, and those bodies left were not very recognizable. We've taken samples to see if any of the remains are from Colonel Sheppard. I wish I had better news."

Rodney's facial expression fell and he wiped his fingers on his pants. "Okay. Okay, fuck… The Wraith was over him and I heard him scream and the, the damn Wraith told me to run for the gate because it wouldn't eat me and I should… I really should have shot it. Fuck."

"Rodney, you did everything you could," Carson replied, reaching to clean away some of the blood carefully. "John would've wanted you safe." He paused a moment and then asked "Why wouldn't the Wraith have eaten you?"

"It..." Rodney gestured vaguely and then down to his crotch, and ah. Ah, well. "Called me a 'two in one', which is apparently royal jelly for the Wraith. Surprise, I'm a commodity."

Carson blinked a little. "...Oh...Oh right. I think I need to hear about that later but uh, how did it find out?" It made him realize that Rodney had not been targeted with a Wraith for a specific reason so Kolya must've known. That was very disquieting.

"By smell. Apparently. It also refused to eat me." Rodney wasn't looking at him, and Rodney's infirmary visits were usually marked by an air of 'look at me, look at me' that wasn't there. "So Kolya... Well."

"Kolya found out." He knew about Rodney, but even among the medical staff he was the only one that did and in the event of his death the next CMO would find that information in a confidential file. He didn't really need to ask in what way because he could tell but he had to know what damage had been done. "Did he take advantage of that knowledge?" he asked in a low voice.

"He did it because he could." Rodney was fidgeting with his knee, trying to get his fingers clean. "Then he made Colonel Sheppard and I do that, at gunpoint. This was before he started the broadcasts."

Oh god, that was worse than he imagined. "Oh Rodney, I'm so sorry you had to go through that," he said softly. "You know I'm going to have to do an examination down there, don't you?"

"Why? Why, everything's... fine, and the only thing you'll be able to do is tell me exactly what I know happened because believe me, I was there - and all you're going to do is put it in a report, and that's _not_ what I want."

"We've been over this, Rodney," Carson answered. "You have a confidential file. Only the Chief Medical Officer, which is me, can access it, and I need to test you for STD's at the least – as well as internal damage. And you'll need to talk to Kate about it as well."

He continued cleaning out the cuts and found the local numbing agent that they traded for with the Pyernese. It worked fantastically well and was fast acting as he smoothed it on, so he could clean the wounds and stitch them.

Rodney managed something that sounded like a rough laugh. "Oh, oh, Heightmeyer will have a field day with me, because I have no idea how to even fake this one, I..." He swallowed, mouth twisted down. "Oh, god, Sheppard's dead. I was his last human contact and he looked like he wanted to just kill himself, and fuck. He's dead. He..."

"We don't know for sure, Rodney, but I don't want to give you false hope. The truth is even after the second feeding it was unlikely the Colonel would've survived long term," he said gently. "But I know John, I know he would feel any sacrifice worthwhile if it kept one of his team mates safe from further harm."

"Why? It, he could have gone for the gate - but instead he served as a distraction, and I don't know why."

Because he probably knew he was dying and because Rodney was right, he probably did hate himself if he'd been coerced into raping Rodney. "I suspect he thought you could not get to the gate without a distraction. He wanted you safe first. I have no doubt he promised you that, didn't he?"

The amount of rescued people who had tales of John's famous promises practically filled his filing cabinet.

He started carefully stitching. "Don't move, Rodney, okay?"

"Not moving." Which was moving, but after that, Rodney did go still and quiet. He sat there, just grimacing a little while Carson carefully did his stitching. Kolya hadn't done any permanent damage but there would be a few scars, the neck ones in particular because they were constantly moving. When the Daedalus did its next supply run, he could get a few tubes of silicon scar treatment cream for once the wounds had closed.

"I'll keep you in a wee while," Carson said. "We will need to do some monitoring and make sure the electric shocks did no damage to your heart or nervous system. The burn sites might be prone to infection. "

And he wanted Rodney somewhere where he didn't have to keep the secret bottled up. "And Kate can be told you were raped, Rodney -- men can be raped as well, you know."

Unfortunately, from one or two notable records, a fair few of them.

"Fine." He crossed his arms over his chest, and he probably simply didn't want to talk to Heightmeyer at all but he was going to need it. They were down their Commanding officer, they needed their Chief of Science functioning, and perhaps it was a bit utilitarian of Carson to think that, but. "I need to think of how to explain that I can't go off world for a while because I'm Wraith snack food. I mean, it might have been because that Wraith was so hungry that he could tell. I don't know. They didn't pick up on it when Ronon and I were on the hive."

"Or perhaps he had been evolved as a specialized function of serving the Queen -- you've never come face to face with a queen before have you? It is possible. I can flannel them a little with science. Call it a rare genetic combination, something of that ilk." Carson decided some of the cuts could stand butterfly stitches. "They don't have to know what that entails. Anyway, I think right now you need to attend to your recovery first."

"I'm fine. I'm going to need something to sleep at night but I'm fine." And there were those contact burns and he still needed to proceed with that examination. Rodney was clearly trying to throw him off track.

"Rodney, if you prefer I can sedate you before I examine you but I have to do it, all right?" Carson warned. "I won't leave you alone either, I'll be here tonight."

Rodney shifted, and started to take his shirt off. "Fine. We'll just, can we get this over with? If John, if... if the Colonel were here I wouldn't even let you waste your time on this." Except, he wasn't, and Rodney kept going back to that. In the short term, Carson suspected that that was going to be a bigger problem than the physical assault. For all that Rodney was head of science, he was Sheppard’s right hand, and a right hand without a body was a grim thing.

Either way he was going to need more than a doctor to get through this. He was going to need a close friend and knowing what Rodney could be like, he doubted many would have the patience to stick with him.

Carson nodded and then put on some clean gloves while Rodney settled down, practically grumbling under his breath. "Okay then. Ready?"

Rodney had scrounged for the infirmary gown someone had no doubt offered him earlier, and had pulled it on in lieu of clothing. "Yes, fine, ready."

He'd seen a lot of strange things at his time in the SGC but he remembered the first time he found out about Rodney's condition at Antarctica and Rodney had snapped and snarled at him for days until he realized that he wasn't going to do anything with the information. It had, to him at least, explained a lot about the other man, because he was literally with his condition two in one and not comfortable with either. Of course, not a true hermaphrodite, because people with virilizing CAH were rarely fertile, but Rodney was as close as he had ever seen.

There was some tearing that he could feel, because the skin there was more delicate than it would have been if Rodney's medical status were different. "Did you feel a great deal of pain inside?" he asked quietly.

"Just sort of a dull... dull ache." Rodney shifted, and grimaced when Carson touched the inside wall. "It was more disgusting than anything."

"Aye, well you've got a wee bit of tearing here. I'll clean you up some, okay?" Because that was behind the repeated requests to get on with it and get in the shower. "Otherwise, I suspect you can sleep through the next bit."

"I'd like to sleep through this 'bit', too."

"I understand." Carson did. He couldn't stop thinking about the black wrist band tangling with splintered arm bones. "Aye, I'll put you out. Resting will help more than anything else right now."

He had to step out to get a sedative but they'd anticipated that and had one prepared. He took Rodney's arm. "Are you ready, Rodney?"

"Sure." It was muted and non-committal, but Rodney looked flattened, grey-faced, and he shifted his arm to hold it out in offering to Carson.

Normally he would've given some sort of platitude about things looking better in the morning, but as he slid the needle into a vein and gave Rodney a little respite from the trauma, he knew all too well that the news the morning would bring was most likely to be worse rather than better.

* * *

A little of the life had left Atlantis.

It wasn't just his imagination that Atlantis had faded, sulked back a little after John's death. They all had, or maybe it was just Rodney who'd noticed it, stretched his hands into the city and found it reluctant to respond, found the control sluggish and angry, and in return, he'd worked hard to repair tiny things, underlying issues that had been there all along, ignored in favor of exploration. Now… now he had the time to work on them, refining the desalination tanks, refining the power flows, just... working.

It was the only thing Rodney could think of to do. He could only think to work because he felt sick most mornings and the meetings between the upper staff were quiet and blah and there was no John to turn to in his free time. No-one to ask 'Do you want to play an inappropriate war game?', no-one to badger about bad movies.

He hadn't realized how much of his time he'd spent with John. Okay, slight lie; he had, but he hadn't really given it the significance it deserved. When there was a truth like that sitting in his head he tried to ignore it or work around it because it never came out well.

He'd been rejected so many times, he'd become prickly as a defense and didn't take risks. The arrogance had been all his but the rest of it had a solid foundation. And now John was dead. Carson might blather on about inconclusive DNA but he knew because anyone who'd heard John ‘scream‘ would know.

And the command knew. They'd raked every bit of Intel they could to see if anyone vaguely matching John's description had been spotted, and there was no luck. Lorne had been stepped up to Military Commander and the Daedalus was spending as much time close by as it could manage. Lorne wasn't comfortable leading yet, whereas John had fallen into it naturally. He was easy at it. Lorne was different in missions, more like Ford had been, not that Rodney had minded Ford. He sort of missed him.

He had this fear of losing people now. He didn't care enough right now that Kolya had probably gotten away - he didn't care because things that would've enthused him before didn't anymore. He’d never realized how much of his time he’d spent showing the Colonel cool things. Arguing, telling him he was an idiot, which he was, he really had been and...

"Should we be looking at this device next, Rodney?" Radek said, looking up from where he was working. "Is some power readings."

"Power readings of what?" He leaned up from his laptop, from the diagnostics he'd been running. There was a glitch in the power field just beneath the command tower that he wanted to look at, wanted to fix.

"This." Radek lifted up a strange looking item that was handheld and bulbous. "Is not broken but must need initializing by ATA gene."

Rodney leaned back in the chair, and sighed, snapping his fingers. "Fine, fine, I'll touch it. Hand it over. What's it supposed to do?"

"We are not sure. Some dispute in translation about whether it is a medical instrument or a musical instrument," Radek said with a faint smile. "Can you work it?"

He pushed it over, still with that tentative worried look.

"We'll see if I can work my magic on it." He took it, clutching it for a moment, trying to think it ’on’. On, on, when John had hardly to brush something to spark it to life.

It flickered a little, seeming to fade back in on itself much like he seemed to be doing. For the first time he started to wonder what was keeping him here, aside from stubbornness and an inability to let things go.

The more he thought about it, the more he remembered that John hadn't freaked out about his condition and the more he tasted the bitterness of regret for things not said or done sooner.

"Is it working?" Zelenka asked.

"I have no idea," Rodney muttered, staring at it. "It's not-really activating, but it's trying to. It might be broken actually."

"Huh. I will try fixing again," Radek replied, reaching back for it. "Major Lorne said he'd asked if you would join his team. Teyla and Ronon are doing so, I have heard."

"I told him I'd think about it. I'm thinking." Rodney didn't let go of the device and focused for a moment more. Work, work, the damn thing just had to work and then he felt it catch to life, and fuck, his arm was on fire and he had to drop it onto the table top. And as quick as it had hit, it was gone, dancing flames on his skin gone. Along with his arm hair. "Not a musical item!"

"No." Zelenka stared at it and then at Rodney. "We should take you to be checked over. Rules are rules and interaction with device not under controlled conditions.”

"What kind of crackpot have we got doing the translations on this?" Rodney shook his arm out. It had just been a flare, but he'd felt the surge bone-deep and that, that was why he didn't turn things on. "I feel like I just put a paperclip in an electrical outlet. Maybe it's ‘safer’ out there in the field."

"Perhaps," Zelenka said. "I have never liked the idea. I was amazed and relieved when you said you would, otherwise it would've been me."

Rodney shook his arm out again, and stood up unsteadily. "Right, well. I might as well be out there being shot at. I'll be in the infirmary. Don't touch that thing until I get back, and try to get it retranslated."

"I will do so," Radek replied and Rodney noticed he didn't seem to fight with him as much as he used to. Less of the sparks flying, and he knew that Radek was trying to be a friend or something but he never knew what to do with them.

He never knew what to do with Carson for a start, but miraculously, the Scot seemed fine with that.

Carson just ambled onwards, ever onwards, and Rodney didn't know what to do. He looked at Radek for a moment and then turned, heading for the nearest transporter. Heightmeyer's sessions had been singularly useless and infrequent but that was his doing; until things reached the point where Elizabeth threatened him. He didn't want to hear her mumbo jumbo about displaced blah blah blah and guilt - because he could write a book on guilt if it was Guilt About Fucking Up. It wouldn't be a long book, but when he fucked up, it tended to be spectacular.

The infirmary was only moderately busy. Testing and checkups and someone with a nasty sprained ankle, so Rodney had no problem wandering in and trying to flag someone down.

"Dr. McKay... hold on, I'll get Dr Beckett for you," Dr. Keller said. It made Rodney wonder if Carson had put out some instructions regarding him.

Instructions that read 'please hand prickly scientists to Doctor Beckett'. "Fine, yes, I'd appreciate it."

It only took a moment before Carson came out of his office area. "Well, Rodney what can I do for you?" he asked.

"Just activated an artifact that gave me a jolt. Zelenka said it was either a musical device or a medical device." Rodney pressed out a slight smirk. "I don't think it plays music."

"Aside from musical yelps. Well we have procedures for a reason, so just hop up here and I'll give you a scan. Any contact burns? Or strange sensations?"

"My arm was briefly on ’fire’, but then nothing. It's fine." Rodney shrugged, hopping up onto one of the beds. "Not that I'm going to look a gift broken piece of equipment in the mouth."

"Well, we know that sometimes there are delayed effects so I'm going to do the monitoring thing for the next few days at least." Carson encouraged him to lie back. "How are you feeling otherwise, Rodney?"

Queasy, tired, stretched thin and depressed? "Fine." He laid back, watching Carson reach for that god awful, dentist-like scanner.

"You're a damn liar," Carson replied with a faint smile. "When was the last time you went and had a proper dinner?"

"A few days ago." With Teyla, because Ronon had been training who knew where and there wasn't that old familiar feeling of being barely tolerated by her if he was sitting there eating.

"Well, I think we need to make sure you are eating regularly, especially as you are spending so much time working," Carson noted, looking at him while he used the scanner. "I know I can't stop that but I can make sure you don't flake out on us."

"Flake out. Do I _look_ like I've flaked out on you all? I've been working on basic maintenance of the city that it once probably had twenty people performing, and that was _before_ it had 10,000 years of neglect."

Carson twitched a smile and Rodney realized that he was feeding him lines to get him to respond. "Aye, well you won't do anyone any good if you pass out from manly hunger in the process."

"Power bars count as food," Rodney pointed out, waving one hand a little valiantly, and seriously, why was Carson peering at his screen like that?

"Mmhmm." Carson frowned a little. "Uh, Rodney I think I need to do a full body scan." He was looking very perplexed and more than a little surprised.

Rodney groaned and smacked his head back on the pillow. "See, this is why I told Zelenka not to bother me with turning things on because I'm _far_ too vital to this mission to play 'what's this going to turn me into'."

"I'm uh... not exactly sure this has anything to do with the device," Carson replied. "Hold on a moment, I'll be back with the scanner."

He actually seemed to be hurrying, and Carson was comparatively unflappable when it came to medical issues. Put him in charge of a weapon and he fell to pieces.

Which only meant that it was bad, and bad for Atlantis was, what? There was a short list, but Rodney could whittle it down to A) Cancer, B) Parasitic mind-warping life form, or C) Cancer that was actually a parasitic mind-warping life form. And since he hadn't been off world much, it was probably A. Well, A or C, but given his limited exposure to, no, he'd had a lot of exposure to Genii radiation, the morons, so it was probably A, with a lowered chance of C unless that medical device had been some kind of insidious Ancient tapeworm implanter.

He was back with the body scanner and rather alarmingly pulled around the privacy curtain again. "Okay then Rodney, you know the drill. Try not to move if you can help it, won't take more than a couple of minutes."

He didn't bother trying to hide the grimace that showed up on his face when Carson ordered that. "What's going on?"

"I'll tell you when I have an accurate reading. I'm pretty sure the other one was an anomaly, maybe caused by the ancient device. Have you had any, uh nausea or tiredness recently? More than usual?"

"Yes," he admitted a little grudgingly. "Heightmeyer suggested it was psychosomatic when I got ill during one of her sessions. I thought it was because she had me up at such a god-awful hour for no reason. And yes yes, I'm holding still now."

That made Carson glance at him even as he guided the scanner down his body. There was more frowning and then Carson repeated the scan, not just once but twice before he pulled it away.

He had his serious face on. The last time he had that expression he told him that John wasn't coming back.

"It's cancer, isn't it?" Rodney blurted, moving to sit up a little.

"No, Rodney. Bloody hell, they don't teach you how to say this at medical school. I... I found some strange readings on the check up and was concerned there might be a growth," he said, putting a hand on Rodney's arm to steady him. "It isn't one."

"It's not cancer?" Rodney groped for a moment, trying to think of some possibility that it could be. "Parasite? Just, just say it. I don't want to play medical guessing games."

"The scanners have picked up a fetus developing in your womb, Rodney," Carson said in a soft voice. "You're actually pregnant."

It felt like he'd been kicked in the head. "No, no, you have to be kidding me, I can't be, it's..." Holy shit. It was one of two people, and he could feel his stomach sink.

"I wish I were kidding, Rodney, but the scanner has an incredibly detailed and precise ability to image things," Carson said soothingly, which actually wasn’t soothing at all. "The baby is definitely there. Your hormone levels are all over the place and the time does place it in that timeframe."

He did sit the rest of the way up, and he swung his legs over the side of the bed. "Nonono, I can't be… that's… it's supposed to be impossible! I'm supposed to be defective! It..." Couldn't, because it was one of two men and he couldn't, didn't want to think about it.

"All medical information on earth supports the theory that you are likely to be infertile. Certainly the fact that you don't have a normal cycle seemed to confirm this. But obviously there was something different involved this time. We've been exposed to lots of strange environmental factors -- it could be one of those, or perhaps it was more a factor with the uh... other donor."

Kolya, it could be Kolya or John.

"Super sperm. You, you have to be kidding me, if it's if..." Rodney shook his head. "If. I can't even say I, and I have work to do on the multigate project, I can't be."

"I know it's a lot to take in," Carson said. "I know you'll want to take some time out to think about it. As your doctor and your friend, Rodney, I'll support whatever your decision is...whether to keep it or not."

Rodney tilted his head down, and rubbed at his face. "Holy shit. This cannot be real. I, fuck. Is it possible to tell who…I mean who the, the other half is from?"

"A little further along," Carson said put his arm around his shoulder. "Then I can take some material without damaging the fetus and run DNA. It would be in time if that's what you are concerned about."

"I don't know. I have no idea, this is never anything I..." And, oh, fuck, there went years of carefully passing as someone born male. "Ever considered, I'm supposed to be _male_ , how do I write this one off?"

"Well, we have the medical care here to support you, or on Earth. I'm not going to kid you, Rodney, this will require some reevaluations. I could make it go away, but..." Carson grimaced a little. "That's not a decision I can make for you. The fetus seems healthy and it's possible that this might be your only chance to have a child yourself."

"Either way, I'm fucked." And pregnant. It wasn't sinking in. It just didn't seem real.

"Aye, I'm sorry," Carson answered and he did genuinely seem sincere. "For some people this would be good news. Of course if it turns out that John was the, uh..." He trailed off. "Sorry, you need to think of yourself right now, Rodney."

"If John what? Just because he was my friend and, and I, that doesn't mean anything. He's not here, and if I'm carrying, if… it doesn't bring him back. He's still dead. He..." Rodney bit his bottom lip. Fuck, John was dead and it didn't matter.

"I know, it's just a legacy of sorts," Carson replied and shook his head. John was still dead. "And you're right, not relevant to the discussion. That was unprofessional of me, Rodney, I'm sorry. Give it a little while to make a decision."

He exhaled with a shudder and shook his head. "I have no idea how to even make a decision about this."

"I'm afraid as far as I know you are the first to have to make this sort of decision on Atlantis," Carson answered, his hand rubbing at his back comfortingly. "You'll be the first, but you won't be alone. You need to take time, Rodney and be sure about things."

"I've never, never really considered..." He shrugged his shoulders. "I... now I need to talk to Heightmeyer. I suppose I'll have to be honest with her."

"That might help," Carson agreed. "I can supply her with the necessary documents. I should say, Rodney, that it's still early days. The baby might miscarry naturally in the next couple of months. It’s more common than you would believe."

"Small comfort." It actually wasn't, but it was one more thing for him to consider and consequently worry about. "The, uh, testosterone. Do I need to stop using it?"

"I'll do a work up on your blood, but it seems to be progressing along with the supplements so we'll keep you on them. It might be that the combinations form an optimum environment," Carson answered. "In other words, it appears to be working so I'm not going to try and ’fix‘ it."

"Right." Right. Rodney shifted and moved to stand up. "I, uh… need some time to think about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to handle it. If I could have those files and bring them to Heightmeyer myself..."

"I can do that for you. And I really want you to cut back a little on your work hours for now. If anyone asks, say it is something to do with the ancient device."

"Unless, what, I want to miscarry?" He threw that out, because... because it was there to say, Rodney supposed, not because he wanted to smack Carson with words. "I, I'll cut back."

"Because I worry about your health and about you, Rodney." If he made a hit with those words, Carson didn't show a sign of it. "Whatever happens, we need to be aware of complications. One thing I do know is this won't be straightforward either way."

"No, what's something that completely invalidates your view of yourself, if there's not a chance for messy complications no matter what." He leaned forwards a little and hesitantly squeezed Carson's arm. "I'll just wait for the files. Thanks for... thanks."

The surprised smile on Carson's face was a little of a shock but then he couldn't actually think of that many times when he'd said thank you to him, even after being in the Infirmary. "I'll just get them for you."

He moved and drew the privacy curtains back, exposing him once again to the Infirmary even as Carson went to wherever he kept his super-secret CMO files.

Rodney slouched against the infirmary bed and looked around the infirmary, just letting his eyes wander. Part of him kept expecting John to show up there because John had always nursed his injuries so well.

But he wasn't there, and the nearest Rodney might get was a maybe might not make it ball of tissue in his stomach. He didn't know what to do. He wanted things to be normal, but normal was John teasing him and dragging him off places and believing in him in a way no one had before.

Carson reemerged with the file. It was rather amazingly in a thin sheath that had a complex lock. He obviously took the secrecy seriously, though no doubt he could crack the password easily enough.

"The password is your first name," Carson admitted. "Which I know you haven't mentioned to anyone."

"Thanks." Rodney reached to take the sheath and tucked it under his arm. "I appreciate that."

And Carson hadn't mention to anyone either. "Just make sure you go and see her, hmm? And I'll see you back in here tomorrow for some more tests."

"Right." He wasn't sure if he wanted to think about the possibility of miscarrying. He nodded to Carson again, and turned to leave. On a second thought, while he walked he tapped his radio. "Radek? I'm off taking care of things for a couple of hours. I'll be back up to the lab after that. Anything on the translation?"

"I will be letting you know," Radek said. "They are fighting about it now. If it goes on there should be popcorn."

"What's the general consensus so far?" He used it as a distraction as he headed for the transporter.

"Three of them are 'idiots', two of them are fools and Dr. Weir will be consulted," Radek said. "Only no one wants to look more stupid."

"Of course. Tell them they're all idiots and to consult Dr. Weir." Rodney stepped out of the transporter, and as he got closer to Heightmeyer's office, added, "I'll contact you about it later. Carson didn't think it was anything to be concerned about."

"This is good news. I will take bucket from over the top of it," Radek replied. "Speak to you later, Rodney, Dr. Weir has arrived."

Of course, Radek had already called her anyway. Good. Well, now he just had to hope that Kate wasn't seeing someone.

He knocked gently on her door, and waited, instead of just opening it.

She opened the door and looked surprised to see him even as she smiled. "Hi, Rodney, this is unexpected. What can I do for you?"

"If you're free. I want to uh, talk to you." He didn't move the folder, but he was holding it.

"Of course," Kate answered. "Please, come in, Rodney." She stepped back from the door and gestured him in. "I was just having some tea if you want some."

"Ah, no, I'll pass." He stepped in, clutching tightly to the folder and waiting for her to close the door. Maybe he craned his head, a little desperate in the waiting but once the door was closed, he said, "I haven't entirely been honest with you."

"In my line of work, people rarely are until they are honest with themselves," Kate replied, walking over to sit again with unhurried calm. "Please have a seat and tell me what has you so agitated."

"I received a routine scan after having a run in with Ancient tech, and discovered that I'm pregnant." He lifted his chin a little when he said it, daring her to react.

"What makes you believe you are pregnant, Rodney?" she asked and he had to admit, the declaration did not seem to ruffle her feathers. Obviously she was assuming he was nuts.

"Carson _told_ me I am." He held the folder out and his hand was _not_ shaking. “It’s, uh. The password for the lock on the side is 'Meredith'."

To her credit, she didn't say 'Don't be ridiculous' or bluster at him as he'd half expected but opened up the file and took a look inside.

He could see her expression frown and then heard her say "oh," as if some great mystery had been revealed.

"Carson is the only one who has known until now?" she asked as a way of breaking the ice.

"Yes." He paused, and added, "Well, and Colonel Sheppard, but that was..."

"Part of your most recent trauma," Kate finished for him. "Nevertheless, this development must be very threatening for you?"

"Right. Threatening wasn't the first thought that crossed my mind. I was thinking unexpected or nerve wracking or..." He waved one hand vaguely. "Frightening. Carson kept telling me that I need to make a decision, but I have no idea what or how or..."

"That's perfectly understandable, Rodney," Kate replied. "I think how you feel about your condition is going to be of major importance in influencing those decisions. Why don't you tell me about how you feel about being genetically female and what influenced your decision to be male."

"Because I felt like I'd ended up with the wrong body since I was a kid." He rubbed at his face. "Look, I had to do a year of therapy when I was in college before anyone in their right mind would agree to do the surgery on my chest. I've covered this ground before."

"Then summarize," Kate replied. "What felt right about being male and wrong about being female?"

And possibly, possibly, that was why he'd never told Heightmeyer before. But he hadn't had to think about it in years. "I... it was everything. Being female just felt wrong. I tried, believe me. But it felt wrong. Like I was watching someone else make the motions for me, because it wasn't me. Dating was... special. When I started to try to pass, it all clicked. It felt right."

"You felt more comfortable in a more active than passive role?" Kate asked leaning forwards a little.

"No. I felt more comfortable being male. It isn't active or passive anything. It's..." Rodney waved a hand slightly. "I have fairly confused genitalia. If I'd even _wanted,_ to be a girl, I would have had a hell of a time."

Kate smiled a little. "What I am getting at is how do you feel that your body is doing something at odds with your conception of yourself?"

"I'm horrified." There was nothing else for him to be, because he'd spent years shoring up who and what he was and that, that was pretty at odds with it. "And I have no idea what to do."

"First, let's look at why you feel horrified. If you understand that then you might find a decision easier to make."

He had no idea how she could be so calm. A few minutes ago she must've thought he was male and now he was female and pregnant, while also being male.

"I haven't had sex that way in years. It's never been a really great experience, and now I'm pregnant, after Kolya raped me. It could be his, it could be John's. Either way, I didn't particularly want to do it." He leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Is it the manner of conception that is the main concern or that it occurred at all?" Heightmeyer asked, sipping her tea as if this was all normal to discuss.

"That it... happened at all." Rodney cleared his throat slightly.

"I ask because often the loss of control and trauma can cause a resentment towards any child who is a product of rape or any forced union," Kate said. "Let's approach this in a slightly different way. If you had had voluntary sex with Colonel Sheppard, would your reaction be different?"

"Hopefully he'd be alive and I'd be having an argument about this with him, instead of talking to you." He looked at her, watching her face. "Not that I'd know what to do any better than I do right now, but I'd, I'd ask him what he wanted to do. No guarantee that I'd listen, but..." But John was dead.

And maybe it was petty and ridiculous of him but that fact was trauma enough to deal with without the issue of being pregnant. He was meant to be sterile, he'd been told that he'd never have children in any shape or form and that hadn't really been a tragedy, considering, aside from the 'loss to human kind' angle.

"But it wouldn't be an automatic no," Kate said. "Rodney, there are two main arguments here. One is that this is a unique experience. This might be your only chance to be a parent. The baby in itself is a miracle for being conceived, regardless of the other genetic donor. If it is Colonel Sheppard’s then this might be a means of having that small part of him that you always denied yourself. Or alternatively, this child is a product of rape. If you hate its existence to the point of resentment then it would be best not to continue with the pregnancy. You can abort the pregnancy and then go back to life as close to normal as it can be after such a shocking experience."

She let that dangle a bit and then said "Or you can try the third way... which is the way that you decide and will be the right way for you."

"... So, back on earth, people actually paid you to do this to them?" Rodney cracked an eyebrow at her. "I can do A or B or I can make something up, except really, it's A or B no matter what. Or, or, A and leave it with my sister and her idiot husband but I'd rather not, because, well, English Major. "

She nodded. "You are considering other options. Yes, there are possibilities of adoption or family custody. There is the impact it might have on your future and your career. Or the rewards that he and she can bring to your life that are not quantifiable but immense," she replied. "There are lots of questions and you know by now, Rodney, I cannot give you an easy answer."

"The only way it's not going to have an impact on my 'future and career' is if I get Carson to quietly make it go away. Otherwise, I have to renege on my agreement to join Lorne's off world team ASAP or else this could all end as a messy, just..." Rodney waved a hand slightly. "This would be so much easier if Colonel Sheppard were alive." And harder. Shittier in a lot of ways, but at least John would be alive and maybe that was why his brain kept going back to that non-option.

"I suspect it would be a whole other set of issues," Kate agreed. "However, having a baby, while life changing does not necessarily mean giving up all your dreams or your existing life. Things might change, yes, but it isn't always a case of choosing between things you want. Sometimes there can be a way to get around things."

"Any suggestions?" Rodney was fishing, he knew, but it wasn't like anyone was offering him suggestions.

"Something could be worked out here," Kate replied. "The Athosians treat children as a great gift. There are people here who would willingly assist. You could be based at the SGC and remain part of the project that way. You have the funds and resources to employ a full time nanny and housekeeper, here or on Earth. Those are just a few options that I can think of immediately and I am sure there are more."

"Assuming I even want to go through with this. Never mind that years of carefully, *carefully* keeping this a secret are going to go right out the window if I do."

"We live in a society here where secrecy is as entrenched as breathing. Our very existence is secret, Rodney. How did Colonel Sheppard react when he discovered your secret?" Kate asked gently.

"He..." Rodney wasn't sure. He'd looked angry and disgusted but it was mostly because of the fact that they were doing it at gunpoint. At least, that was what Rodney assumed it was. "I don't know. I didn't have time to process it. We were a little busy trying to escape."

"He did not reject you completely, however," Kate pointed out. "Otherwise you would not have been escaping together. Undoubtedly it was a shock but he dealt with it. I think most people in this community would. Strangeness is a daily occurrence here."

"With life sucking space vampires, right." Right. It wasn't what he wanted, but what did it matter? Most of them already thought poorly of him, and it didn't matter because they needed him and he was smarter than anyone else on the expedition. "I, uh. Have some things to think about now."

"I'd like to see you tomorrow and I will prepare a little more thoroughly, Rodney." Kate said. "There is some time to think about options but I'd like you to spend a little time writing down those options you can think of and their benefits and challenges to you personally. It will give us a point to start from."

He didn't want a point to start from. He just wanted it to go away, except nothing worked that smoothly. He stood up and moved to let himself out. "Right. I'll do that. It's, uh… Been good talking with you. I think."

"Rodney, this is not something you can decide in the blink of an eye. Be patient with yourself. You need time to process the news and then work out a plan," Kate warned, getting up to see him out of the room, and handing him back his file. "And thank you for coming to talk to me about it."

Rodney closed the file, intent on taking it back to Carson... sometime. Maybe the next morning. He wanted to keep his head down for a few hours, wanted to just not think, or think about it, but whatever he was doing, without expectations.

Perhaps he could manage just that because frankly, whatever he did, he couldn't see a way he was going to be happy about it. In fact, he wasn't sure he could be happy about much ever again.

* * *

Carson kept hoping somehow that it had been a fluke, a strange quirk of the equipment but with every test he did, the evidence became more solid. Rodney was definitely pregnant and for all his offers of support, Rodney had kept away from pretty much everyone.

But sooner or later, they were going to have to face this and plan what to do. Obviously if he was going to terminate the fetus then it would be better if he did it sooner rather than later. Privately he felt that Rodney might regret doing that, but he couldn't influence him. He could only present the medical facts of whether the baby was viable and if it would threaten his health.

As for threatening his health, it seemed unlikely, beyond the usual risks -- watching Rodney's blood pressure, but a few lifestyle changes could do a lot for that -- because Rodney was otherwise as healthy as the metaphorical horse. His body had suffered under far worse strains and he'd come out on the other side just fine.

But he needed to get Rodney to face it and half of that was actually locating Rodney. He'd begged off from off-world missions because he was hard at work on the bridge but it also meant that he hadn't told anyone but Heightmeyer.

The thing was, Rodney dealt with these situations in a predictable way. Near certain death was accompanied by overly dramatic rhetoric and flailing on a sliding scale. But when things were really critical, he went focused and quieter, snappish but brittle as if he was ticking down to an explosion and that was where he was right now.

Carson made a point of seeking him out for lunch or taking him some depending. Yes, the intergalactic bridge was major and important but not a means to hide from what was going on.

Except when Rodney tried to make it that way.

Rodney was easy enough to find. A radio tap and he could at least get Rodney to admit where he was hiding if he wasn't in the labs. It was… plotting how to get him out of the labs and somewhere they could talk that was the problem.

He tapped his radio, finding Rodney's frequency. "Hello, Rodney are you stopping for lunch?"

"I might be. I could. I finished responding to Colonel Carter's notes and the dial in isn't until tomorrow."

"If you don't want to go to the Hall, I could pick up a few things and we could head down the pier. It's a beautiful day and it would be nice to blow away some of the cobwebs," Carson suggested hopefully.

There was silence on the line for a few moments, and then he heard Rodney say, "Well. I could, I suppose. I'll meet you down there."

"I'll bring you something nice. Any requests?" Carson said even as he entered the line for food.

"Whatever they're serving today. Jello would be good. It's all imitation insert meat product here."

"Aye, I think I can manage that," Carson said. "Meet you down there in ten minutes, Rodney," That should give him time to pack up and sort himself out.

Get his head together and his head out of science, maybe, for a few minutes. It was probably as close to a safe space as Rodney had, the inside of his head when he was working on a project.

"Right. See you then."

It was difficult to know what to do to help Rodney. He'd spoken to Kate, Doctor to Doctor and explained the implications involved from a medical perspective. Kate seemed to think that Rodney was hinting at a subconscious decision whether he knew it or not. She couldn't tell him what, of course, but she seemed to think it was a good thing he was so involved.

He collected up a bags worth of foodstuffs, and headed off down to the pier.

Rodney was easy to find. He never tended to settle too close to the edge, but close enough to see the view. It was really like nothing else, wide open water and the knowledge that the pristine landscape had been handpicked by the Ancients once upon a time for their city. And Rodney was right where Carson expected to see him, waiting with his laptop in arm,

"Nothing like a bit of sea air. The hall was busy, it's much quieter out here." Small talk and inanities but he could do that if it helped make Rodney comfortable. "I even remembered a blanket, even if it has seen better days. Last time we were down here I got marks all over my trousers from something on this decking. "

Rodney snorted a little, but reached to take the food from him while Carson laid out the blanket. "It's exotic metal's version of rust."

"I managed to get some extra fresh bread rolls out of them on the principle that we were missing out. We have the jello and...hard to believe but a rather strange looking dessert that I think is some sort of brownie or carrot cake. No citrus of course. Oh and meat and a few other things." Carson looked over at Rodney as he sat down. "I just hope you are feeling up to eating it all otherwise I won't be losing any weight that's for sure."

The edges of Rodney's mouth twitched upwards, and he did sit down on the blanket. "I could go for some food. It was a busy morning."

"Rodney, all your mornings are busy," Carson answered as he reached over to steal a roll. "How is the bridge coming along?"

"Well." Rodney reached for one of the rolls and eyed some of the meat. "It's going well. It's fantastic, and we'll be able to slide across the universes in 15 minutes now."

"Really? That's incredible. No more worry about the ZPM -- we could actually go back to Earth regularly. Get some shore leave," Carson said. "That would be lovely. I do miss some things."

"What do you miss?" Rodney leaned back on one hand, munching at what passed for a leisurely pace for Rodney.

"My family. Mind you, I missed them before but at least I could go visit if I wanted. They were often dropping in, before Antarctica. I worry that my mother is going to die while I'm out here and I won't get to say goodbye." Carson shrugged. "But then I'm a born worrier, I think."

"I think you are, too." Rodney shifted, leaned an elbow on one knee. "Not that it's a bad thing. I miss cheese puffs. And my sister."

"I thought you didn't really speak to your sister?" Carson asked as he took a bite of a hasty sandwich. "Jeannie, isn't it?"

"I... we had a spectacular argument the night before the wedding and, uh, I said some things I shouldn't have said, and she said some things she shouldn't have said, and our mother showed up drunk, and uh..." Rodney's took a big bite of his roll. "We haven't spoken since."

"Aye, families can be a bit like that. I'm the youngest of seven and sometimes it was very difficult to even get noticed over the dramas in the Beckett household," Carson said. "One of my brothers actually ran away to sea - can you believe that? Like we were still in the 18th century or something. My father was very against it as a career and there was a huge family argument. Unfortunately we Scots know how to hold a grudge and it didn't get sorted out before he died. Stuart always said he regretted that even if he didn't regret what he did."

"Mmm." Rodney cleared his throat slightly, staring at the half-eaten roll he was holding. "You seriously have six other... well, yous? How the hell did your family manage?"

"When you get that many, the older ones look after the younger ones," Carson answered with a smile. "I have to say it makes for an interesting family life. By the time I turned up, my eldest sister and brother, who are twins, were away at college and coming back for holidays. We shared rooms a lot. I had a lot of hand me downs that had been through most of my siblings. You just... manage I guess. My mother, in her time, would put a general to shame for organization and logistics."

"Two was it for my family. It was probably more than 'it'. Our father worked, our mother drank. They finally ended up heading for divorce proceedings, but then my father -- this is according to mom -- had a huge grabber just to deny her the pleasure of getting that. It..." Rodney finished off the roll. "Wasn't a healthy environment, I guess. I never knew why Jeannie was so eager to throw herself into that kind of domestic hell instead of being everything she could have been."

"Maybe she thought she could do it better," Carson suggested. "What's she like?"

The sun was just right, cool breeze and just a lovely day.

"She's boisterous. Intelligent. Generally happy. More intelligent than she ever lets on, actually, which is probably why she's so happy." There was the twist of a frown again, and Rodney leaned to dig into the food bag. "She could seriously be here, doing my job, and she..."

"She's chosen to do the family thing." Carson said. "Is that what the argument was about? Did you think she'd end up like your mother?"

"Miserable, bitter, and hating her kids." Oh, oh, and that was probably the whole root of the problem for Rodney, not the gender-issue quite so much at all. Maybe. "That and she was marrying an English major."

"You know, I'm grateful to the English major because apparently it means there is a lower form of life out there below voodoo practitioner," Carson said with a grin. "You know, there is a possibility that she's happy you know. Maybe you should find out. Does she have kids?"

"One. Madison, a girl." Rodney lifted his eyebrows slightly. "I sent a possibly somewhat rambling communication to her in the last data burst, but who knows how or if she'll respond."

"Sounds like you've done the hard bit," Carson said. "If you get the bridge up and running maybe you can take a trip to see her."

He had a feeling that if Rodney could see that they weren't doomed to be bad parents or anything because of their parents it might help a lot.

"I'd like to meet her, as well -- I'd like to meet the person you describe as being intelligent and able to do your job."

"Well, four years ago she could have. It's possible that play dough and diapers and ballet lessons rot your mind." He leaned back with a bit of imitation chicken wing in his hand. They never did get to see the whole wing, because the bird it came from was massive. "I suppose I'll find out."

"I've heard you describe the labs as being worse than kindergarten," Carson stole one of the plum like fruits the Athosians recommended. They were tart and pleasant. He paused a moment. "When you said ‘I suppose I'll find out,’ are you talking about visiting your sister or... finding out."

"Finding out." Rodney seemed to go particularly stiff postured, as if he wasn't sure what Carson was going to say.

Carson looked at him and was practically beaming, he couldn't help himself. "That's wonderful, Rodney!" he said and patted him on the shoulder. "Of course, I would support you no matter your decision, but may I say congratulations now?"

"Yeah. Just, keep it down." There was a twist of a smile, and Rodney leaned in to take a little cup of jello. "I still haven't worked out the logistics, but I was going to tell you and then Elizabeth and... go from there."

"I have faith in your ability to do anything you put your mind to, Rodney," Carson said sincerely. "What made up your mind?"

"It wasn't any huge epiphany. Just that I... could. And it really is a once in a lifetime change. I hope I can do better than my own parents. And, uh. I don't want the DNA tested." He lifted his chin a little when he said that.

That surprised Carson, although he thought he could understand why if Rodney had made up his mind, come what may. He wouldn't want to deal with the conflict of knowing that Kolya had fathered the child. "That's up to you, and from the sounds of it, you'll definitely do better than your own parents."

"You say that _now_. Wait until we actually get to that point. I won't believe it myself until I've tried it." He ate a glob of jello, and then murmured, "I'm glad this doesn't bother you."

"Why would it bother me?" Carson replied. "I've seen things a lot more biologically impossible than this since I've been here. Been responsible for a few of them."

"Gene therapy that would make the FDA cringe," Rodney agreed. He seemed a little bit lighter with the passing on of the news of his decision, and who knew how many days he'd been sitting on that.

"Yes," Carson answered with a little regret. He hadn't wanted to create the retro-virus but the orders had come in to cancel his other research until he produced a biological weapon and he had rationalized it in his own head as a "cure". Stupid, it had been stupid and he'd deserved what Michael had done to him. But Rodney's strange condition was entirely natural. "So I'm keeping it quiet still then? Have you decided if this means staying here or...?"

"I suspect that's going to be less my decision and more what the SGC decides after I talk to Doctor Weir." He could see a little anxiousness at that, because it wasn't as if Rodney had ever been comfortable with other people making decisions for him.

"Well, let's wait until you are out of the critical zone and then tell people?" Carson said. "Three to four months is usually a point where things are beyond the high risk area for miscarriage. It would be unnecessary stress for you to tell and then have it naturally come to nothing."

"Three to four months, right." Rodney finished off the jello, and then leaned on his hands. "It's still surreal."

"Very surreal," Carson agreed. "But I think you are right not to deprive the world of another potential McKay genius." He smiled a little looking at him

"Right, well, as long as he or she doesn't want to play baseball, I... I suspect I won't get too knotted up about that." No, but the child would be naturally smart, Carson figured, no matter who the father turned out to be. McKay and Colonel Sheppard, well. John had been smart all on his own, even if he played it down. And the Genii general, that was a different kind of intellect.

"Aye, I wouldn't be much help with that but I used to be a fair player in football... sorry, soccer and rugby," Carson answered. "I could show them how to play." He smiled a little to himself at the thought and looked out across the ocean.

"I really appreciate that, you've..." Rodney faltered, probably digging for words, but the attempt was quite enough. He wasn't leaning on anyone else and he needed to. Anyone in that situation needed support.

Carson reached over and rubbed his arm unconsciously. "What're best friends for, hmm?" he said looking at him. He'd always been attracted to him, but Rodney didn't need that sort of complication, he needed support and a more domestic kind of love. He was pretty sure he could handle that - someone to prod gently at him and help him keep his head together.

"Thanks." Rodney pulled up a smile, and it seemed easier, and he reached for something else to eat.

The picnic, Carson decided, was a damn good idea.

* * *


	2. Duet 2

And then it all went to hell.

It wasn't 'hell', per se, but it was the essence of having the carpet pulled out from under them, of having years of hard work invalidated, of being looked down on like they were shrimp that had somehow learned to talk and walk and work the city's systems. They weren't *worthy* of being in the city, and Rodney had wanted to hurt them because… because if it hadn't been for them - them, hell…him, there wouldn't have been a city or a rescue of the members of that ship or anything else and...

And now it was over. Time to pack up and get out of there, and maybe after a few years they'd be deemed worthy to return.

Only in one respect did it have a silver lining. It made that awkward decision of whether to return to Earth or stay on Atlantis a moot point. They were all going ’home’, though there were a lot of them who said home was here in Pegasus.

Carson spent a lot of time saying goodbyes to people he knew were unlikely to stay at the SGC and it had come down to this last walk through the gate back to Earth. Rodney knew the moment that they had the physical on their return, his little secret would be out.

But it seemed like a vague, distant fear, and Rodney was more concerned for Teyla and Ronon and the Athosians, because the Ancients were not going to fight the Wraith. The Ancients were going to let their 'children' die as they had before, and at least Atlantis had been fighting back. Maybe it wasn't the best organized and maybe it could have… no it definitely could have been better funded, but Rodney didn't care. They'd done something.

The returning Ancients wouldn't.

He'd probably broken a lot of rules but he didn't care. He manipulated the stocks so the Athosians could have most of the reclaimed weapons they'd taken from other worlds and from the Wraith. Carson, he knew, had secretly injected all of the Athosians with the ATA gene and they had some users who were strong enough to fly Puddlejumpers, if they could find them. But it still felt like abandoning them.

Teyla had received many gifts from them all; supplies of food on the principle it was a waste of energy to take them back. Music, shelters, everything they could give them in a form of oblique apology for ducking out when a war was brewing. They would have a chance to fight now with or without the help of the Ancients.

His radio crackled, "All Atlantis personnel to muster in the gate room in the next ten minutes."

His lab looked sad and bare. The Marines had taken everything.

"Rodney?" Carson looked around the door. "I thought, I thought I’d just check everything was gone from Colonel Sheppard's old quarters on the way to the gate. Do you want to come?"

"Sure. We should, we should check that." No-one else had. It had sort of been unspoken that Elizabeth would have it packed up eventually, but he wasn't sure if she had or hadn't, or... what. He shouldered his knapsack, packed with research and a greedy moment of trying to hyper compress as much of the database onto Earth-style hard drives as he could. It was a bare amount of information but it was going to go back to the SGC. Period.

He was noticing a little bit of backache when he moved now, a shift in the center of gravity downwards as they walked.

"I said to Radek he should apply to work at the SGC. He wasn't sure if he was going to Area 51 or not. I think he liked the sound of Vegas being close by," Carson said.

"He might work there but he'll realize how bored he'll get of it real fast. That's his problem." Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I'll stay with the SGC. The research won't be as prestigious, but..." But, in the event of a chance to return to Pegasus, SGC personnel would be first up, starting with the previous group who'd been there.

"Aye, I'll be there too," Carson said." I might actually get more research done at a place where we have more than a handful of doctors available. I won’t have to be in the Infirmary all the time."

They stepped into the transporter and then out again on a different level, dark and silent. When John had lived here the place had hummed with power and light.

But it didn’t any more. Now it was quiet and soon some Ancients would be coming in, wondering who'd slept in their bed while they were away for 10,000 years.

"You say that now. The SGC makes up for it with larger scale disasters than we did."

"Yes, so I understand," Carson said, stopping in front of John's door and obviously thinking 'open ' at it. The lights came on as they stepped inside and looked around. "Most of it has gone, but looks like they didn't tidy up. Might be something left." He sighed, "I don't even know if John has any family to inform. He never had a next of kin on his records."

"Which makes me assume he didn't. We can look when we get back home. I'll do a little research on my own. Even if he had a falling out with them, they should still know." Rodney headed for the obvious places -- drawers, under the bed. There was no point in leaving anything behind if it could be taken and they'd already passed on what they could to the Athosians.

"Aye, though I find it hard to believe it was through his choice. John wasn't that type of person," Carson said, looking through drawers as well. "He forgave me for turning him into bug. That's not the sign of someone that holds a grudge senselessly."

"Who said anything about senselessly? For all we know, any family he has might fully be worthy of being written off.” There was one lone Johnny Cash CD and a little spindle of data discs. Rodney picked them up.

"I think you should have those," Carson said. "He thought a lot of you, Rodney." There was just a certain hint to his voice as he said it that indicated he thought there was more to it than just thinking a lot.

It wasn't something Rodney really wanted to consider long and hard, or really, at all. John had been a close friend, a good co-worker and someone who'd died thinking that he'd, well, Rodney didn't know. He really didn't know. "I'll just hold on to them."

Carson nodded. "Aye. Well, nothing much more here. Half of it was to say goodbye. I'm half glad John didn't have to, he had a stronger connection to Atlantis than I do."

"I think you worry too much about using the gene." Rodney twisted, stuffed the CD boxes into his sack. "He never did. He was just excited to be here. I'm sort of glad he didn't have to do this, either. He might have tried to lead a rebellion to stay, or gone Athosian."

"Possibly," Carson said, looking around and he could just tell he was thinking of John, really remembering him from the way he gave an amused smile. "We could come back in a few years and he'd have sorted the Wraith problem out for us."

"Possibly." Rodney shoved his hands in his pockets and glanced around one more time. John wasn't there. John was dead because he'd decided that Rodney needed to go through the gate more, and to what end? The city didn't need to be saved. The city wasn't even theirs any more. "Let's go. Before they kick us out for being intruders."

"Right." They headed back to the gate then, Carson pausing only to pat one of the walls un-self-consciously before they joined the throng of people who were the last ones out.

"I was just about to send Major Lorne after you," Elizabeth said as the Gate began to dial. "Saying goodbye?"

"It's still not long enough." Rodney rolled his shoulders, hefting the weight of the bag. "I see our escort is watching us."

"Mm." Elizabeth didn't look happy either. "Probably to make sure we're not trying to make off with any equipment. General O'Neill and Woolsey are staying. Negotiating."

"Seriously?" Rodney tried to not stare at her. "They're not the best negotiating team I've ever seen."

"Apparently I'm too personally invested to be a part of it," Elizabeth said and she sounded bitter, which wasn't like her.

The last chevron locked and Rodney looked around at the Ancients who were standing there, evicting them.

High and mighty, not so much as a sincere thanks to be heard. "We all are. We all have an interest in coming back."

"They need our help," Elizabeth said, the frustration clear in her voice. "They could be allies. We could help them win against the Wraith. They're not as strong as they think they are."

"Aye, well, remember they’ve missed the 10,000 years of development that has been going on," Carson pointed out. "Maybe the general and Woolsey can do something about that."

"Or, they'll continue to be condescending and sure of their power until a set of hive ships show up to wipe them out," Rodney pointed out. Or something of theirs would bite back. It wasn't even and 'if' - it was ’ when’.

And it was their turn to go through.

Carson looked around one last time and Rodney was sure he heard him said "Goodbye, sweetheart," under his breath before the two of them walked through together into the SGC.

"Welcome back," one of the Marines said. "Infirmary checks next, down the corridor-"

"On the right... aye, lad, I know," Carson said. "Let’s go, Rodney, I need to speak to the CMO." He had that file in his hand again.

Rodney hadn't expected Carson to even bother in the midst of all of that, of the evacuation and clear out. "I feel like a refugee."

"We are, in some way," Carson replied. "They keep the infirmary close to the gate now. Sensible." The place was full of people being processed; blood samples, scanners, instruments. "Excuse me? I need to speak with the CMO?" he said asking a random doctor who was walking past.

"Doctor Beckett?" The man glanced at him and then at his uniform, and nodded his head. "We're trying to in process all of you first, if it can wait."

"I need to have Dr McKay processed by your CMO if it's not too much trouble," Carson said. "We can wait if necessary."

The man raised his eyebrows at Carson, and Rodney wanted to lean forwards and smack him. "There are over 200 people we're trying to process through in a timely manner."

"There's a reason, all right?" Rodney interrupted.

"A medical reason," Carson added. "Like I said, we can wait if necessary. And believe me, son, I do know the pressure that you are all under. I know how infirmaries can get, and I also know when something is important."

The doctor seemed to get the message at least. "I'll just go and find her," he said at last.

Rodney didn't say anything additional to that, just crossed his arms over his chest and then slowly lowered his pack off of his back. "Thanks."

It took some time but eventually Dr Lam came out. She didn't look particularly impressed.

"What can I do for you, doctor? I'm sure pleasantries can wait, as you will be joining my staff and we can have a proper induction at a more suitable time," she said. It was a little disconcerting to realize that Carson was effectively being demoted, coming into someone else's territory.

"It's good to meet you, Dr. Lam, and I did say it was a medical matter - otherwise I would not have troubled you personally," Carson responded. "I need you to do Rodney's checkup and I need to give you some confidential information."

She didn't seem impressed and it was making Rodney twitch as he hefted his knapsack with one hand. "I know Doctor McKay has quite a history of hypochondria, but this is--"

"Look, we've been condescended to enough by a bunch of ascended, and we didn't come back here for this," he finally snapped. "Carson was the CMO at Atlantis and he's not making a silly request for the hell of it."

"Steady, Rodney," Carson replied. "Dr Lam, believe me, this is a situation only a CMO with a level five security clearance can know."

She glanced at Rodney and then nodded. "Fine, Please, follow me."

Carson followed along as well and waited until they were in a more private area before he handed over the file. "The current password is Meredith. You might want to change that at some point. It is self-explanatory from this point. But it's not something Rodney wants to have everyone know about."

Rodney set his pack down and helped himself up onto the table for the scans and blood samples that would come. He started to roll up a sleeve in advance of that. "It's going to explain the scan results."

Dr. Lam still looked skeptical but she took the file and keyed in the password, opening it up.

Rodney could see the moment when it dawned on her, first the mild curiosity of his genetic abnormality and then as she moved down the page the point where the pregnancy appeared.

"Oh," She said, glancing at him and then at Carson. "Is the SGC aware of this, Dr. Beckett?"

"No," Carson admitted. "There was a high likelihood of miscarriage. The plan was to wait until the end of the third month or so, and then tell Dr Weir and command."

"But this happened first. I was going to wait," Rodney cut in quietly. "Now I don't have much of a choice."

"Well, I'll do the tests now and the scans," Dr Lam seemed to have recovered from the initial shock and Carson took a seat beside him. "I'll have to report this to someone though."

"To someone with the authority to see medical records with a class five level on them, yes." Carson agreed. "Rodney needs to decide what options are available to him. It is a difficult situation for him."

"There's a 50% chance, according to that record, that the child is not fully Earth-terran."

"And what does that have to do with medical privacy, and my having it?" He sat up a little straighter, eyeing her as she turned away.

"Our experiences with non-Earth terran children are that they have proven to be dangerous and a potential security risk," Dr Lam replied. "I will have to report that at least."

They had different scanners here. It was strange and Rodney just half-closed his eyes. "And I suppose the constant interference with the Goa'uld have nothing to do with that security risk level, huh?"

She acknowledged the point. "It's nothing personal, Dr McKay, and I can guarantee you'll get the best of care in my Infirmary. Ah, there we go..."

And there up on the monitor was the definite shape of a baby rather than an indistinct blob with bits that Carson pointed to, telling him they were the heart or head or whatever.

"A bonny wee babe, Rodney," Carson murmured. "Grown some since our last scan."

"Growing is good. It means it hasn't gone all..." Rodney waved a hand slightly, staring at the screen. It made it feel a little more real, though he still wasn't sure what to do with that information. Real, less real, what did it all amount to anyway? He'd already decided to go through with it.

"I see there is a request that you not have a paternal genetic test?" Dr. Lam said as she took some blood smoothly and efficiently.

Rodney still wanted to recoil, even if she was good at it. “Yes. Do I have to justify that to you?"

"I will have to take a genetic sample to ensure the risk factors are looked at," Dr. Lam said. "But I can arrange it so you don't know the results, if that is what you wish."

Rodney shifted and leaned back from her a little. "Gee, will I find out the results of the test if I find out that I'm being monitored from afar by our usually none-too-keen national security people?"

"There is no guarantee that any form of security will be positioned or that it might not happen under both circumstances," she replied. "Well, that's the routine samples taken care of. You'll be staying on the base tonight but you'll need to think about housing and accommodation."

"I have a house that I am in the process of purchasing," Carson said. "One of my sisters is a realtor and she's used her connections to find a decent place." He looked at Rodney a moment. "I was going to mention it before, but uh, I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to live on your own, Rodney."

"You're buying a house?" Rodney cocked an eyebrow at him. Rodney had been hoping that their stay there was temporary and was kind of hoping for a place with a shitty easy to get out of lease policy, that they'd go ’home’ soon. But... It didn't seem it was to be. At least, not for Carson.

"Aye, well she said if I decide to move she will organize the leasing and well, have you looked at your bank account recently?" Carson said. "I ought to invest in something even if I don't end up living there permanently."

"Your turn, Dr. Beckett," Dr. Lam instructed. "As you're here." and Carson obeyed automatically.

"Carson Beckett -- slum lord," Rodney joked as he slipped down from the table. It felt like something was missing, that something was wrong and it was the whole circumstances that felt unsettling. "I was trying to tell the Ancients about the repairs that need to be made."

"Well, they most likely will sort it out," Carson said. "They did have an effortless control of the place, that was frankly annoying. It's just sad there are humans all over Pegasus that revere them as gods and their saviors and they're not interested."

"We're like field mice to them," Rodney murmured, shifting back to let Doctor Lam have her space.

"Not that different from the Ori, then," Dr. Lam said. "Dr. Beckett, you are a genetics specialist yes?"

"I am, yes, in between surgeries and trying to stop people dying in interesting ways." Carson replied with a good humored smile.

"I have a project that needs looking at that I think would be ideal for you," she said thoughtfully. "You have experience in developing an effective genetic retrovirus, yes?"

"Well, yes, but if it's another weapon I didn't want to do the first one, so I would decline the offer," Carson answered.

"Quite the opposite -- the Asgard cloning issue. A genetic retrovirus might just do it. We have a genetic sample of a preclone Asgard."

"Aye, sounds very interesting."

"He managed to activate the ATA gene in passive carriers, so I think he's the right man for the job." Rodney watched her draw his blood and turn away, and wondered just what the hell he'd be put up to doing.

"Okay, that's the pair of you done. Go collect keys for tonight up in one of the guest quarters. Tomorrow you'll get your results and assignments," Dr Lam said, snapping off her latex gloves.

Carson moved. "Aye, thank you, Doctor,” he said politely.

One of the many, filled to the brim guest quarters. Rodney stood up, and picked up his sack again, watching Doctor Lam until Carson crossed into his field of vision. Why just one room or did she mean that generically? "Let's go."

They both headed out and it was difficult to get a key, and yes, it was at least two to a room though apparently there were sufficient cots set up in each for that not to be a concern. Apparently they were lucky that they weren't bedded down in the corridors.

It was almost a relief to get out of there and get into the relative quiet of the room. "So..." Carson said "You didn't actually answer about the house thing - does that mean it was a bad idea?"

"No, it means I'm still not… I don't want to think that we're never going back." Rodney set his pack down. The perks of being senior staff, it seemed, were camp cots in a closet sized room, but there was at least a door and a small bathroom that they could call their own. Later, maybe, they could check up on Elizabeth.

"Aye well, my sister was horrified that I just had my money sitting there doing nothing. I thought it would be nice to have a base of sorts," Carson sat on the other cot tiredly. "I'm not particularly attached to the place but I just feel that you need someone close by in case of emergencies."

"So close that we're in the same house." But there was no reason to say no, and Carson was his friend. "Why? I mean, you have that accent, you're a doctor, and your pregnant male room-mate is going to be a huge drag on that."

Carson looked uncomfortable a moment before shrugging. "I think you're more important than me being inept at the dating scene," he said lightly. "I won't be giving up much."

"I suppose when it's born I'll have to." Rodney rolled his shoulders. "Well, I'll cross that when we get that far. If you're sure, Carson. I mean it, I don't want to ruin this for you."

"You won't have to do anything, Rodney," Carson said. "And believe me, you're not ruining anything. Far from it."

Half of Rodney wanted to argue and half of him wanted to lay down, so the laying down half was winning out. "I'm not. We'll see about that, but..." He set his bag down, and stretched out on his own cot. "I hope Radek enjoys it at Area 51."

"Me too. I expect you'll work out a way to harass him there, as well. He's probably expecting it."

It was strange. Earth seemed like the alien planet now.

It felt like they were sheltering a storm there, that they wouldn't be there long, or maybe that was Rodney's hope. "I will. Just... in time. I think right now I want to sleep."

"Aye, I know what you mean. You need your rest," Carson said in a soft voice. "I might well join you."

Might as well join him. Rodney compressed his mouth closed tightly and folded his arms over his chest. "See you in the morning."

* * *

The problem was, Carson felt like he was taking advantage, in some way. They'd moved into a house, and he had to give his sister credit, it was a nice house and he just had this nagging suspicion that Rodney wouldn't have even considered it if he hadn't needed to do it.

And he still went ahead, knowing that he was only going to be the best buddy. Nothing more.

But that was better than nothing and he hadn't lied. Being a part of this would be an enormous privilege.

And something he was interested in doing for more than just personal gain. There would be no gain at all, but it still felt like he was... positioning himself, perhaps, into something that never would have happened otherwise. If everything had gone according to some better laid out grand scheme of things, John Sheppard would have been there, and he and Rodney would have been going at each other like cats and dogs in heat, in both the metaphorical and literal sense of the idea.

As the doctor to Atlantis, he had been privy to knowing that yes, John would've been amenable to being with Rodney. He knew who was into what sort of sex because sometimes when a complete history was taken, it was very complete.

At the moment, he was cooking and listening to Rodney complain about the indignity of the restrictions that the SGC had heaped on him.

"Not allowed to leave the ’country’? I'm still a Canadian citizen! How the hell am I supposed to visit my sister if I can't leave the country? What kind of..." Rodney gestured wildly to the paper in front of him. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"

"We could possibly ask your sister to come here," Carson said, as he stirred the Bolognese sauce and contemplated the virtues of garlic. "They will be happier after the genetic testing."

Rodney rubbed at his face as he looked down at the stack of papers he'd had to sign in the process of reaccepting his Earth-side job. Carson had signed his hefty stack already and he wasn't sure if getting his a day earlier was significant of anything at all. "I should probably call tonight. Sort of now or never."

"Tell her you missed her. That you want to explain everything," Carson advised. "I'm sure she won't mind, though you might have to invite her whole family. It's difficult to work out otherwise."

"It's going to be difficult to work out no matter what," Rodney pointed out as he signed and dated, probably, yet another sheet. "Are you okay with that? I feel like a freeloader."

"Free loader?" Carson looked around a moment, surprised. "You've insisted on contributing so it's not like you're not paying your way. And if you don't want to cook then you can order in if you are doing other things. That's not really freeloading."

"It's your house," Rodney pointed out. "It... I don't know. I still wish I wasn't on Earth, that none of this was happening. I feel out of place."

"I think we all do," Carson said. "I know I do. If it makes you feel better pretend you are renting from a terribly benevolent landlord. And even if we were in Atlantis we would be facing some of these decisions."

He supposed that Rodney was nodding, or, well Carson was never sure what Rodney was doing when he had his back to him. "Yes, we would. But it would feel like more of a choice to come to Earth if that was what I chose and it just..." Just frustrated him, yes, pissed him off, mmm. Carson had heard the same circle of argument that meant that there was something else that Rodney wasn't saying.

"Just what, Rodney?" Carson tasted the sauce. Good enough. "Mm. You know you can talk to me about pretty much anything."

"There isn't anything that I can formulate to say. You're being amazingly helpful and supportive, and I know I haven't made this easy and you just offered that it was all right for my sister to come here and you can't just... Give and give like this without it wearing away at something and I'd rather have your friendship in the long term than wear it out in the short term."

Carson turned the sauce down to simmer, what Rodney was saying affecting him more than he could cope with. He wasn't sure whether to be honest or…

Who was he kidding? Lies didn't work. He found it hard to lie, even to someone who was dying. He was silent a moment and then went over to the table. "I haven't been entirely truthful with you, Rodney. I admit I feel a little like I have you here under false pretenses. You are my best friend and I like you. A lot. I've meant everything I've said to you but I left out the part where I'm doing this as much for myself as for you."

Rodney tipped his head up, peering at Carson. "You're doing this for yourself? How does any of this..." And then, perhaps, it clicked for Rodney, and he went quiet. "Oh."

Carson had a sinking feeling even as he spread his hands a little helplessly. "I'm sorry, I'm not exactly expecting anything to happen and I'll understand if you don't want to be here. If it makes you uncomfortable."

Who was he kidding? Of course it made him uncomfortable.

"You..." Rodney gestured vaguely to himself. "Are you kidding me?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm not, Rodney. I've... liked you for a long time." He shrugged. "Why wouldn't I like you?"

"There's liking and then there's wanting to live with me while I'm pregnant with someone else's kid, and..." Rodney kept looking at him, eyed focused hard on Carson. "Why? I wouldn't want to enter a relationship with me right now."

"You really can't believe that someone genuinely cares can you?" Carson said softly. "Even just as a friend." It explained the standoffishness more than anything else. "I care. I've cared for a long time, sometimes people do that."

"No, no, I believe people, that they care as a friend, but as they say in elementary school, there's like, and then there's like-like, and I've never been good at that one."

"Well, I like-like you but I understand that this probably is not the best time for the revelation," Carson said. "So let's just carry on as we were going to and we can pretend I didn't say anything if you like."

"Because that's going to work," Rodney snorted. "No, I want to, you have to explain *why* you want to, I mean, I'm a wreck. You might have noticed that."

Carson looked down, feeling like he was about to rip his last chance to pieces. "No more than most," he said and sighed. "Do you remember Antarctica? When we first met and I came down into the chamber you were working in with a group of other scientists and you were working on the ZPM? Don't worry, I'm not going to claim love at first sight or anything but..." He groped for the words. "When I went to bed all I could think of out of the fantastic things that were there was the way you talked and moved and hands were waving and the way that when you had an idea the place practically lit up with the light bulb going off over your head…"

He chuckled a little to himself. "You fascinated me. And yes, I knew about your condition and if there is one thing I'm sure off it’s that I'm attracted to something different about people rather than their physical side - although it seemed whatever my type is, you're it, Rodney. In Atlantis, you just proved over and over that there was more to you than met the eye. In a good way. Aye, you might bluster some, but at the heart of the matter, you saved our lives all the time. But I knew you weren't interested in me."

"I wasn't..." Rodney waved a hand slightly, still looking at him. He looked wounded, surprised, and both of those were probably true. "I, it never even crossed my mind, I learned to not think about relationships or wanting them."

"I know," Carson replied. "I could understand that. I don't think you even knew you were turning me down half of the time. So I thought I could be your best friend. You don't have to be in a relationship to love someone."

John was proof of that as well.

They hadn't been in a relationship, but Rodney had clearly loved him, found him important in his life. "I, I don't even know what to do. Every time I've tried, it's gone horribly, horribly wrong."

"So we just carry on," Carson suggested. "Just being close if you want. There's no secret to hide from me, I know probably as much as anyone can. You don't have to worry about rejection because I'll never do that and..." He shrugged a little. "There's no reason to worry."

Rodney looked as if he was at a complete loss, and maybe he was. "You want to do this and yet you're noncommittal and, I... this is surreal."

Carson rubbed at his forehead. "Okay, I'm going to try this in Rodney-speak. Rodney, I'm pretty sure I love you. I'm trying very hard not to pressure you into commitment because I think you hate relationships. But I... I am committed enough to buy a house because I want you close, and want you to stay. I don't want to scare you, and if going the relationship route is an inevitable disaster then I'd rather stay friends because I can't lose you, even though I'd want nothing more than a relationship. Does that help?"

There was just a moment more of staring and then Rodney nodded vaguely. "Yes. Yes it does help. I think you're crazy, but, I... It's not something I ever thought was viable."

"Aye well, sometimes I think I'm crazy too. Let's just say that when you were sharing a head with Cadman, the complete and utter revulsion you demonstrated when you realized you were kissing me gave me a hint or two about how you might feel," Carson answered. "But I’m an eternal optimist."

Masochist, as well, it seemed.

"No, no, that was... that was her, and I did that every time she took control, it..." Rodney was back peddling and it left Carson almost, vaguely flattered.

Almost. "I wasn't me."

"Well, if you ever feel the urge to experiment, I am more than willing," Carson answered. "Or we could just have dinner and insult the TV."

"I think, uh, that I need to do that." Rodney nodded and closed the folder on his paperwork. "Tonight. I need to think."

"I'm assuming you mean the watching TV and eating dinner," Carson said, getting up. "I'll put the spaghetti on, the Bolognese is about done."

"Yeah, thanks." Rodney turned a little and seemed to just stare at the table. Perhaps it had been a bad idea to spring that on Rodney.

He just didn't like lying to him. Rodney was so open about many things and yet was very good about keeping secrets. Possibly because he didn't keep his secrets by lying, he just let people make assumptions.

But he just wanted to be there for him, if nothing else, for Rodney, for John and for himself. So many reasons to be there and the only one that would send him away would be Rodney telling him to go. And even then he wasn't sure he could actually do that.

He was pretty sure he couldn't.

Rodney stayed quiet while Carson finished dinner and then he tidied up his papers and left the room.

"Didna think my cooking was that bad," Carson murmured under his breath. He really didn't know what to do. "Rodney? Do you want some? Where did you go?"

"Living room," Rodney called. "I thought you said TV and food."

"Aye, I did but hey, this was just a ploy to gain control of the remote wasn't it?" Carson called out as he dished up the food and even went as far as grating a little parmesan on top of the steaming food. It would be good for Rodney, plenty of vegetable and protein and energy food.

All in one bowl. Plus, it was something he knew Rodney would eat no matter what, not that Rodney was very picky about his food. "Maybe..." Rodney had a clutch hold on the remote when he edged around the sofa, even though he was looking at Carson vaguely expectantly.

"Here we go. I even got the technical equipment of a tray, otherwise there could be another disastrous incident involving the spaghetti and meatballs - and it's just not a pretty sight," Carson said, putting Rodney's dinner down as well as his own. "Anything worth watching?"

"Not a damn thing." Rodney turned towards him, offering the remote. "There's Twilight Zone on Sci-Fi. Uh..."

"Eh, put it on," Carson said with a shrug. "And eat up, it cools quickly and then the spaghetti clumps up - and it's not pretty."

He sat next to Rodney as he always did, trying to make it normal.

Rodney clutched at the bowl and the next thing Carson knew, he was leaning in, close, close enough to, well, kiss if that was what Rodney was aiming for. "I, uh..."

He leaned a little bit closer and murmured, "If you're going to tell me I've got Bolognese on my nose, I'm going to be really disappointed," even as he went for a gentle kiss. Not something smoking hot, not something just about desire but something soft and tender and genuine.

It worked. It more than worked, it seemed to fit, and maybe that was what Rodney was checking, to see if there was any hint at compatibility there. Mouth against mouth, easy gentle pressure and then Rodney shifted and leaned in closer to Carson, shifting, trying to deepen it a little.

Now he could move his hand and reach to touch hair, to lose himself in what they were doing because this was a moment he had wondered about, wanted for a long time and it did feel different to when Cadman had kissed him in Rodney's body. It made him feel warm all over and he wanted to keep kissing forever.

It was Rodney in control, there was no question because it was Rodney who almost fumbled the spaghetti into Carson's lap as he pulled back. "Sorry, the bowl..."

Carson chuckled. "Forget the dinner, I'll make more," he said, looking at him, unable to stop smiling.

"I just wanted to..." There was a vague gesture and Rodney shifted a little closer. "Test run might be the best thing I can come up here but it's still not what I mean."

"Test the waters," Carson murmured. "See if it was real?" He didn't take offense, why would he? He didn't expect Rodney to just fall over himself for him.

"Test the waters," Rodney offered quietly, wetting his lips and looking back at Carson. "I need time to think, still. We should maybe do something together. Out of the house. While I still can."

"Anything you would like," Carson said. "To be truthful, I've not really seen what you like to do for fun. I know you like music - maybe we should try a concert of some type?"

"Music is good, concerts are good. It's been a while since I've done anything like that." Rodney shifted, reached for his spaghetti bowl from where he'd nearly dropped it, but stayed close to Carson. "Anything."

"Dinner and a concert then," Carson said smiling. "Do you want me to pick something? Make it a surprise?" He couldn't stop smiling but he took the hint and reached for his own dinner.

"Make it a surprise." Make it a date, more like and possibly Rodney wanted to try seeing him in a different setting, to... Well, it was easy to go along with and being cooped up in the house was good for no-one and nothing. "Pending disaster when we return to work."

"Of course," Carson said, privately resolving to book sooner rather than later. "I'll send a note to the Ori and the Goa'uld to stop messing around for a bit. They can be so rude sometimes."

Rodney snorted. "We have enough trouble with groups that should be our ’allies.’"

"Aye, don't remind me," Carson answered, taking a mouthful of his dinner and glancing over at the screen. "Hey, isn't this the one with the holographic woman, you know, that grows up in a generator?"

"What, you've seen this?" Rodney twisted, picking up his fork.

"You don't think that I like sci-fi? I can't imagine anyone who doesn't like sci-fi going across the other side of the universe," Carson said mildly. "Maybe not as passionately as some and with a healthy mix of medical series, but, yes I've seen it. It's a classic episode. Her Pilgrim Soul..."

Rodney made a quiet 'huh' noise, and glanced back to the TV. "I didn't peg you for it. This means you have no excuse to not allow me control of the remote, now."

"Are you sure?" Carson teased a little. "Really, I usually don't mind. TV tends to make me fall asleep. I suppose I don't stop that often."

"What do you usually do in your downtime?" And it couldn't, didn't apply to Atlantis because a lot of the things they would've done there was something they couldn't do here.

"Me? Sleep," Carson replied. It wasn't really that much of a joke actually. "I quite like walking. I used to help my mother with her gardening, as well. And cooking, I like cooking."

"I've noticed." Rodney lifted eyebrows at him and ate a bit of the spaghetti. "It's really good."

Carson dismissed that with a wave of his hand. "That's day to day food, not something special. I'll cook something interesting for you when I know a little more of your preferences."

"Food," Rodney deadpanned. "No, really. I just like food. If it's interesting or not interesting, I'll try it."

"Non citrus of course," Carson said. "Well then, you haven't lived until you've had my rum truffle torte, and I'm not bad cooking things such as coq au vin. Obviously though, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity to do this back in Atlantis. Not that there was time. I would've loved to have taken you fishing over on the Athosian mainland because they had some wonderful fish there. The fishing would've bored you but I would've cooked it fresh over a campfire with some seasoning - you can't beat that."

It was a relief to watch Rodney grin a little. "We could go fishing out here sometime. Or we could set up a fake campfire in your backyard and buy some fish of less than questionable origin."

"Half the fun is not knowing whether you're going to get dinner or go home hungry," Carson replied. He felt as if a burden had been lifted. He could be as affectionate as he wanted, as supportive and he didn't have to wonder any more. In some cases, it seemed confession was good for the soul.

* * *

It had taken Rodney two weeks to work up the nerve to actually call his sister. Two more weeks of living with Carson had gotten comfortable. It wasn't head over heels, lose his mind, kind of love, but it was comfortable. Like putting on an old pair of pants or more like having an old pair of pants he could put on when he got home from the SGC, which was at all strange hours, but at least there was the thrill of working again. There was something for his mind to dwell on and maybe, just maybe, he'd taken advantage of that by stalling on calling his sister.

Just maybe.

"Jeannie Miller," the crisp tones of his sister answered and immediately ripped away the years in one fell swoop.

"Jeannie, hi, uh, it's Rodney." He swallowed and cradled the phone a little closer to his ear. Carson was still at work, and he guessed he'd find out if the privacy was a good thing or a bad thing.

There was a long pause and then she spoke again. "Mer? Seriously?" She sounded very skeptical.

"Yes. It's, it's me, in the flesh, well, on the phone. I, uh... how are you?"

"What the hell, Mer?" Jeannie was just how he remembered her. "I haven't heard from you in five years? I mean, not even a card or anything and... what do you want? Are you in some sort of trouble? Or ill, no wait, you're not going to do this to me, I refuse to be a Hallmark special feature!"

"No, no. I'm not dying. Believe me, I'm not sick or dying. I'm stationed back in Colorado again and it looks like a, at least semi-permanent placement. For the past three years I've been working someplace I couldn't really contact you from and before that it was Antarctica, and before that it was Siberia, so I want to catch up."

There was another pause. "Are you sure you are my brother?" Jeannie said in a lighter tone. "Because, you know, not what I expected to hear at all. I was more expecting some tirade on the evils of domesticity and my brains turning to mush."

"Right, well, there's a good chance that my brains are turning into domesticated mush, and uh, I'm going to need parenting help soon. So if it does lower your IQ as I once claimed, at least I'll have good company." If he was lucky, she wouldn't hang up on him right away.

"You know, if you're saying what I think you're saying..." Jeannie wasn't stupid and she picked up on things very quickly. "Are you serious, Rodney? So help me if I find that you're messing with me..."

"No, I'm not. It's a very weird, complicated situation, which is probably what you were expecting. It..." He hesitated and turned, leaning against the hallway wall for a moment. "Arose out of a situation that happened while I was at working at the other location. After some thought, I decided to go through with it."

"Right." Whether Jeannie knew exactly what had happened he wasn't sure. "Okay, look. We can't talk about any of this over the phone can we? You have room for me to stay somewhere? Because I'll make sure Caleb and Maddie are okay and I'm flying down there. I'd say come up but I'm not sure flying is a good thing for you. You have room? Tell me if you don't want me to come up. And if I tell you that I recently had Sam Carter knocking on my door, maybe you'll relax some."

"Oh, you did? And no-one told me, which makes me less surprised than I was when I found someone had drunk the coffee before me this morning. Uh, yes, you can fly down. Carson bought a house, which is where I'm staying and he's fine with company." The fact that she might have security clearance was a plus but Rodney would have to check that out, ask Carter himself.

"Give me the address. I'll be there as soon as I can," Jeannie said. "And we're going to sort this out, Mer. All of it. Understand?"

"Right, well, I don't think there's much to sort out, but I do want to make up to you for what I said before the wedding and for not communicating with you since then."

She lost some of the edge in her voice, becoming less aggressive. "Okay. Okay, Mer, I... things have obviously happened to you so that's all I wanted to hear. Just that you cared. "

"I do care." He half-heard Carson's car pulling into the driveway, and well, the pizza would be there soon. "I do. I was worried that you were throwing your life away and I couldn't stop you, so I freaked out. And, I don't, it was stupid of me to think that in the first place."

"Yes, it was," she replied. "But I'll save the I told you so’s until I'm up there. Address?"

At least he hadn't accidentally distracted her with his apology. That was very McKay of her. He rattled it off. "I can pick you up at the airport if you need."

"I'll get a taxi. I'll probably cry or hit you or something," Jeannie answered. "I don't want to have witnesses in either case. It's... it's good to hear from you, Rodney."

"It's good to talk to you. I should go -- either the pizza man found the spare key and he's decided to let himself in, or Carson's back from the infirmary. Let me know when you come down."

"I'll call you. See you soon," Jeannie said and hung up on him even as he heard Carson throw his keys in the basket.

"Hey, Rodney, how's your day been?"

"Mind numbing," Rodney declared as he started towards the hallway. It felt disturbingly 'Hi, honey, I'm home' ish, except it wasn't. Carson didn't expect him to greet him at the door, and he wasn't. He wasn't. He was falling prey to paranoia was what he was. "I called Jeannie."

"Jeannie?" Carson looked around a little startled. "How did that go?"

He moved immediately to fetch some tea. Though he liked coffee, Rodney had noticed Carson did try a lot of different types of tea.

"She's coming down. That could be in a week, it could be that she's trying to book the red eye super saver flight tonight. But she's coming down." Rodney shadowed Carson into the kitchen.

"Well, that's good news," Carson said, glancing back at him. "You know we need a bloody kettle. Anyone would think they were alien equipment. Anyway, so what did she say? Is she coming up to skin you alive or hold your hand?"

"Possibly both at once," he said glibly as he hung the handset up. "Colonel Carter has visited her recently."

"Really? You'd think she'd want us to know about that," Carson replied, frowning a little. "Unless she didn't want to bother you with it."

"I'm tempted to drive back up there and see if she's in her office so I can find out what's going on. I'm not having Jeannie blindly recruited into this and then, oh, sent to Siberia for displeasing the powers that be." He leaned forward a little, pulling at the tagged end of Carson's teabag. "You could make it in the microwave."

"It doesn't taste the same," Carson replied, tapping at Rodney’s fingers and then obviously deciding that he wanted more as he moved closer. "I missed you today - there was some pompous mathematician condescending to me in the Infirmary and even I knew he was talking out of his arse. I kept thinking, ten seconds and you would've poked holes in his ego and I would've cheered you on."

"Does the pompous mathematician have a name? I was stuck working on some very simple reconfiguring of a power crystal but I not only had to do the work, which was the easy part, but explain it to two absolute morons who clearly padded their resumes." But his shift had started sooner and he'd ended up home sooner and staggered schedules were a bit straining even on a calm day at the base. "I ordered a pizza."

"With the works, I hope. Aye, I think his name was Jesperson or something," Carson said. "He'd blown up something and took me away from a very promising bit of protein decoding."

His hand drifted to touch his shoulder and arm, casual and easy.

Comfortable. Rodney shifted, slid a hand down to rest against Carson's vague shape of a love handle before resting against his back. "Decoding of what?"

"Asgard DNA," Carson replied. "I think I'm going to have to find a means to talk to them soon if I can get it approved by Dr Lam. I haven't said anything yet but there is a chronic mutating virus in every single current Asgard sample I have. The old Asgard doesn't have it...it's not good. But, I think if I can isolate the right coding I can use that virus as a vector for a jury rigged Asgard version of my Wraith retrovirus. But they must know and I have a terrible feeling that faced with an ignoble end they might choose a different way out."

"Like what?" Rodney couldn't see the Asgard going out with a bang in the traditional ways.

"I'm not actually sure. Possibly they will try something against the Ori? Something self-destructive to give their existence meaning?" Carson replied.

"Do their contacts know that you're working on a retrovirus against it?" Because Rodney could see that going the way so many things in the SGC did -- unspoken, discovered too late, or ignored until it was too late.

"That is what I don't know," Carson replied looking a little frustrated. "I think I need to try and get someone to let me speak to them. At some point I'll have to test it on someone."

"I'd make it sooner than later, given how out of the loop we are," Rodney suggested. He absently reached for a mug. Maybe he could try that tea.

"Aye, I'll do that. So, we should clear out the spare room? Or is the rest of the family coming as well?" Carson asked.

"Just Jeannie. For all I know, she was planning to come down here because of Colonel Carter's... whatever she said to her." It seemed a little more likely in Rodney's way of thinking.

It was hard to consider that she might just fly here because he phoned out of the blue.

"Or she's missed you," Carson said sipping his tea. "Hope the pizza gets here soon, I'm starving."

"It's not like he could get lost." Rodney moved to sit down at the kitchen table, and it was almost as if it had been on cue, the doorbell rang. "See?"

"You are a prince among men," Carson said with a grin. "You want me to get that?"

Carson never seemed to have any hint of irony in his voice when he referred to him as male or masculine. That had always been a pet hate of people who had known in the past. The way they had made knowing inflections, tiptoed around phrasing. They didn't realize it did exactly what he didn't want, which was draw attention.

People were quick to pick up on differences in other humans. It was the whole problem with robots, actually -- people were better at picking up that something was 'up' than was generally expected. And those tiny inflections mattered.

"Sure, yeah. Wallet's by the door." Rodney sat down, cradling the cup of tea. So far, he hadn't been hampered by any food betraying him, but he'd taken a liking to things he hadn't expected.

Some of his choices for pizza toppings had surprised even him.

"I could abscond with all your worldly goods," Carson called back as he headed towards the door. "Or your credit card."

There was the sound of him opening the door and chatting briefly with the pizza guy before he headed in. "And what wonderful combination do we have today, Rodney?"

"Diced up pieces of credit card," Rodney deadpanned. "There's ham and pineapple, nothing too weird."

"Lovely." Carson sat down. "So tell me about Jeannie aside from the, she's brilliant and wasted thing. What was she like when you were younger?"

"She was an older sister." Rodney reached to pop open the pizza box. "She was also the apple of our parent's slightly jaded eyes."

"Okay, so I take it from that that you were not?" Carson asked, stealing a slice right off. "You're having something healthy tomorrow to make up for this, Rodney."

"Blah blah, salad. Something. I'll let you cook. This is my idea of cooking." Rodney reached to take the slice beside it, folding it slightly in half. "Well, think of it. You have one daughter who excels in everything she does, and you have one... ‘daughter’ who's questionably gendered, inartistic, and rude. Which one are you going to prefer?"

"Doesn't always work that way. My brother Declan is a rogue and trouble maker and the apple of my mother's eye, even though he doesn't visit her often," Carson answered. "But, okay, they favored her?"

"She probably fawned after men like that when she was younger. Maybe your father was that way back in the day. But our mother was cultured and... really just mean under this sheen of civility. She favored her. Never made any question of it. My father loved us both. He was..." Rodney ate a little more pizza, and leaned on one elbow. "Sort of absentee but when he was around he was great."

Carson nodded. "My father was a lovely man, really just wonderful." He was quiet a moment, obviously remembering him. "So that didn't make you resent her then?"

"Jeannie? No. I think I tried to." Rodney paused, taking time to swallow instead of chewing while talking. "Step up and protect her. At least, that was my plan."

"Did it work?" Carson asked with a smile. "You McKays have a stubborn streak a mile wide."

"I tried to keep her from marrying an English major. Oh, I punctured a few of her boyfriend's tires during highschool. At least two of those were actually good calls."

Carson chuckled. "I seem to remember that trend continuing at Atlantis, Rodney. For John at least."

His smile faded a little at the thought of Sheppard.

He missed John. The longer he was Earthside the more palpable that was, the missing spot in his head. It was John, the space where John and showing John things had been. John was dead and Carson was there and he wasn't going to ignore one close, close friend for the mourning memory of another. "It was out of concern."

Carson nodded a little rather than make a flip comment. "Aye. I had practically my entire family doing that for me. I was distressingly old when I lost my virginity."

Distressingly old could run a pretty wide gambit. There was the group of people who thought it was the upper reaches of high school and then there was the 40 year old virgin set. "How old?"

"25. Amazingly, I made through qualifying as a doctor without it, possibly because I was working on the genetics at the same time. I barely had time to sleep let alone talk long enough to anyone of either sex and get comfortable enough with them to get beyond kissing and...well, you get the picture."

"I could stand a more graphic version of that picture." Rodney lifted his eyebrows at Carson, and took another bite of his pizza. "25. That's pretty impressive. Who with?"

"A wee lass called Sophia," Carson said. "I was somewhat smitten and she liked the whole courting aspect which was apparently quaint. But apparently it wasn't what I thought it was. I fall in love hard."

"Didn't end well?" Not that any past relationship did, because, well, they were past. There was a reason why it wasn't a present relationship, and Rodney knew that well. It was just that sometimes breakups were spectacular. They were amazing and theatrical.

"Not with bang, but a whimper," Carson said with a faint smile. "She dumped me. I'm not exciting enough apparently."

"Yeah, well. What were you supposed to do with her to be more exciting? I think you're pretty romantic, if I were a woman looking for that. 'Exciting' isn't the same thing as 'good' or even 'human', and it usually ends up dead."

"Yes well, we value the calm and normal, Rodney," Carson said reaching for another slice of pizza. "How about you?"

"Mmm. 15-ish?" Rodney chewed a little faster, two bites more, because elaborating was, was something else. It was his first time trying to tell someone else his secret and it all going horribly wrong and some bizarre twist of peer pressure come coercion and that freak in a cage feeling of being ’inspected’ because of his anomalies, and it was hard to not think of Kolya backing him up the wall, hand around his dick, fingers in his cunt, and Rodney didn't want his pizza anymore. Not really.

"Young," Carson said and glanced over at him. And there was the thing, somehow Carson just seemed to see something that he was positive he would and probably did miss. "Not a comfortable subject is it? I'm sorry, love."

He tore a piece off of his pizza crust. "I went to college shortly after, so it was and it wasn't. I was very ahead mentally, and emotionally..." Rodney popped that piece of crust into his mouth. "I still feel like I'm catching up."

"Understandably," Carson agreed. "But the truth is there is no one who is normal when it comes to emotions. Everyone has their own rates of development with it. And you have more to deal with than most."

"Still do." He looked at Carson and decided to not go on one of his thanking Carson tirades which occasionally bubbled up, because he did appreciate what Carson was doing for him, but Carson had an interest all his own in Rodney's well being. Somehow, that actually made it easier. "I hate that you're not weirded out by this, this... being pregnant thing, because I am. I still can't wrap my head around it and no-one back at the SGC can."

Carson chuckled. "Believe me, Rodney, there's an element of being weirded out but I would've scarcely made a good doctor in Pegasus if I reacted to every strange thing with 'Holy fuck, how the hell did that happen?’ I would've spent my entire time saying it and people would've lost faith in my ability to be their doctor. It was best to keep doubts to myself."

Well, that was fairly honest. "So, how much does this bother you?"

"It's not so much bother it's sort of astonishment. I'm not sitting here secretly uncomfortable. It's more like every time I remember you're pregnant it sort of shocks me. I go 'pregnant, Rodney's pregnant, oh my god'," Carson said, obviously trying to explain. "Does that answer the question? I'm comfortable with you, Rodney, and I'm not entirely sure but I suspect I would have this stunned reaction if it was anyone I loved who had become pregnant."

And not by him. They hadn't actually even slept together and Rodney kept trying to get comfortable enough with himself to not make it a complete clusterfuck. "I was just checking."

"Aye, I understand. I know I could tell you until the cows come home that I'm fine with it, more than fine with you. I could get down on my knees and profess my love for you in a very humiliating fashion if it would help," Carson suggested with a faint smile.

He sounded like he was serious as well.

"Groveling takes all the fun out of a relationship." Rodney eyed Carson and decided to polish off his piece of pizza anyway. Why not? "Which I haven't managed successfully. Ever. Well, cats don't count."

"Maybe you're going to do it right the first time you try," Carson said, finishing his piece. "You generally do. You know, you're not going to convince me that I don't really know who you are and so I'll just reject you. I think if I was going to do that I would've done it by now. We've had a few choice moments and we've gotten through it, friendship intact."

Most of their arguments were professionally based ones. And he'd been better about respecting Carson's voodoo than he'd been when they'd first arrived in Pegasus. At least, lately. Until they'd been evicted from Atlantis. "Right. Well, uh, after dinner would you like to adjourn to a bedroom just to... see what happens?"

Carson blinked a little and turned and looked at him. "Really? I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with?"

"No, this is, this is how I work up to things and find out if I'm comfortable or not." And they'd done a lot of hanging out on the sofa but neither of them were particularly ballet stars, so some of the sheer physical awkwardness had been locational and positional, and the strangeness of the news being right there.

"I would love to, Rodney," Carson said simply. "Any time you're ready. I don't want to rush you in any way."

"I'm ready. Just..." The edges of his mouth twitched a little as he reached for a second slice. "I'm ready. I want to see you in your naked glory."

"My glory is a wee bit tarnished, Rodney," Carson said, "but you can see all you want."

"I can't even suck my stomach in anymore," Rodney scoffed. "We've never been the athletic guys."

"Inventive though, we beat everyone else on that," Carson answered, grinning like he couldn't believe his luck. "Quality. And I like your stomach like that."

"You say that now. Wait until the little thing is out of its shell and crying for food in the middle of the night." Little thing. Yeah, he was still trying to wrap his mind around the reality of being pregnant, but he... he was. And there was a child at the other end of all the strange bodily changes and that was a lifetime thing, if he did it right.

"Ah yes. No sleep, up all hours, feeding time, constant need for attention..." Carson grinned. "Not too different from the Atlantis Infirmary."

Rodney leaned one elbow on the table, grinning a little. "I was thinking idiots in the lab but they didn't need diapers changed."

"Oh now, that can't be true. I'm sure I've heard you say they couldn't find their ass with an elbow," Carson answered and looked at the pizza and back to Rodney. "You know, I'm feeling full right now. You want to uh..."

"Keep you here forever and eat a couple more slices?" Rodney lifted his eyebrows at Carson and then shook his head. "Bedroom. I think it'll taste better cold and later."

"I'm with you there," Carson said, getting up. "Coming, love? "

He looked happy and delighted somehow, as if Rodney had made his day.

Which hadn't been the reason for doing it at all but Rodney was glad that Carson took to the idea so well. He stood up and didn't bother to push his chair in as he moved to follow Carson. "I'm coming. Uh, whose room?"

"The one with the biggest bed," Carson answered, still smiling. "Which I think is mine...possibly. Is that okay? You don't need to be nervous," Carson said, "because if you say stop at any time, Rodney, I'll stop. Even mid-orgasm. Of course I might explode with the backed up pressure but I want you to trust me, okay?"

"Trusting you isn't the problem." Because there were all of those knotted up things in his head and he probably needed to work through them but he'd spend his whole life mowing over problems and it generally worked very well. Damn well, in fact. He stepped closer to Carson and slipped an arm around Carson's shoulders. Contact always shook the nerves off.

"Then you have nothing to worry about," Carson said, moving closer as they made it to the bedroom and went inside. "It's not like I don't know what I'm going to see. I'm more worried what you might think about me."

"If we're both anxious, it evens it out a little." Rodney twisted, moved to get in front of Carson and stop him from moving so he could kiss him. Just to taste him, just to feel the pressure of lip on lip.

Carson always seemed to go with whatever he did, responding enthusiastically. "You know, I'm perfectly happy following your lead if you want. Or the other way around?"

If Carson led, would it put him in the woman's roll, or -- "How about a little of both. I just want to get used to you. See what happens."

"Fine. Just so you know, I'm fine with anything," Carson replied and kissed him again, staying with the contact then, hands smoothing over him feeling for tension and resistance.

"You're fine with anything and I'm fine with anything and between the two of us, we need to grow spines," Rodney joked weakly, tipping Carson's head just a little with one hand to suck at his bottom lip. "I can count on one hand the number of times I've had really good sex."

"Well, I'm going to certainly try and up that count," Carson said after a moment. "Mmm, bed? I want to explore your body for hotspots to see if I can make you quiver."

He looked a little mischievous as he said that.

It sounded... nice, that 'threat'. Quiver, yeah, he wanted to see if Carson could make him quiver, too. If it was possible at all, Carson could do it.

Rodney nudged him backwards, towards Carson's bedroom door. "Bed. Without question."

So somehow in the process they were nudging up again each other and then the bed and Carson was stripping off clothes, some of his own and some of Rodney's and they were tangling together just as much as they were.

Carson was reaching for him again, kissing him, his hands smoothing down over his arms and back and somehow, his shirt was coming off and Carson's own and it was all still gentle but the arousal was growing with every touch of skin on skin.

He wasn't going to be nervous and he wasn't going to go tense with expectations because Carson had known for years. But there was knowing and being a doctor and knowing and being shirtless with an ex-patient for completely different reasons. Rodney let his hands travel over Carson's chest, muscles softer than John's had seemed, but still there, fingers sliding over his chest hair. Solid. He was nice and solid.

It was a good word for Carson. That's what he was and it gave a sense of the permanence, reliability and trust he was beginning to associate with the other man.

He pushed Carson's shirt off, trying not to think beyond the moment as Carson went further. It was hard. Sex had generally been an unqualified disaster for him.

There was no way for it to not be a disaster because there was how he wanted it to be and how it always ended up being and... No thinking about it. He kissed Carson hard again and pushed him back onto the bed, to at least sit down.

The movement made Carson smile into the kiss. "Nearly bit my tongue then. Actually, nearly bit your tongue." But his eyes were bright and he tugged him onto him. "You're gorgeous."

"You're crazy," Rodney said plainly, leaning down. It was a vaguely awkward position, but it made unbuttoning Carson's pants easier, made it easier to just touch him.

"Aye, and forgive the cliché, but crazy for you," Carson grinned as he moved a little to be able to shimmy the pants down. "Don't feed me lines if you don't want the consequences."

"Can you make anything into a line?" Rodney asked, still trying to shake his nerves as he started to unbuckle his own belt.

"Pretty much," Carson said, his hands tangling with his fingers as he helped him along until his own pants were coming down.

Naked and naked was better, even if Rodney felt a little self-conscious as he stepped out of his underwear. At least not wearing shoes in the house made undressing easier, with one less awkward step to it.

It didn't seem to faze Carson at all as his hands roamed down seamlessly with no tentative sense of revulsion in his touch. He was kissing him again, pulling them both onto the bed a little more securely. "Let's see what you like," Carson murmured before he started on a quest to touch, kiss or suck on pretty much every inch of his body.

Rodney shifted, settled, moved towards the middle of the bed. Their legs bumped together, stomachs brushed and fingers moved and he liked the contact, the easiness of it as Carson kissed at the edge of his jaw, fingers trailing down over the vague curve of his stomach. He could feel the muscles on Carson's back move while he ran his hands down Carson's spine.

It was easy and comfortable and Carson seemed to be moving wherever his instincts took him, little by little, testing to see if he liked a feeling, a touch, using his fingers like divining rods over muscles to see if the quivered. He didn't remember anyone taking this sort of time before.

It was luxurious, lazy. Rodney stretched and relaxed, fingers sliding lazily over Carson's spine. He hadn't headed below the waist but it was there, headed that way. "This, I like this..."

"Mm," Carson hummed against his skin. He was taking his time. He was taking lengthy detours around his chest, his stomach, the crease of his elbow -and who knew that was such an intense erogenous zone? It sent prickles all through his body. "Talk to me. I like to hear your voice. Tell me what it feels like, tell me what you imagine you want most” he said softly even as he bent to his skin again.

"Little, little seized up. Not used to it being..." Rodney stretched one leg and bent his knee slowly, pressing his leg against Cason's side. His fingers skirted over a nipple, tweaked it and Rodney groaned. "God, that's so fucking good."

"That's something for the plus column." Carson bent to suck at the nipple with his mouth and it felt hot and there was that tightness inside of him, a need for something. "Mmm."

One of his hands trailed very lightly up the inside of that bent leg, teasing over his inner thigh.

It tickled, made his muscles tense up and shiver and Rodney had to move his leg a little, trying to vaguely avoid or invite it, he wasn't sure. "There's a lot of things you've, damn, oh, don't stop."

"You're sensitive there," Carson said looking up with a half-smile. "People don't realize - there are nerves that connect from there to...here.." He trailed his fingers slowly up towards his penis. "Let's have a look at that shall we?"

And he shifted downward, but was bent over his inner thigh painting trails with his tongue, that were fire and then ice as the damp touched air.

No direct contact but it was just as good if there was and he was hard, aching, *wanting* more contact even as Carson kept avoiding it. "Damn, you wait until I return the favor..."

"Oh yes?" Carson sounded like he was laughing "And where do you want me to go, Rodney?" He hovered deliberately close, tantalizing but not enough.

"I..." He knew what he wanted and Carson knew what he wanted but he was apparently going to make Rodney say it. "Suck my cock, please, you're torturing me..."

"As you ask so nicely," Carson said, looking up at Rodney with laughter lurking in his eyes and expression, just as his mouth descended on his cock.

Heat and suction and regardless of the fact it wasn't classified as a true penis, it still worked about the same. Just as he was apparently a pseudo hermaphrodite. Yeah, right.

It felt amazing. It felt like everything every guy said that having their dick sucked felt like. He could feel it shiver up and down his nerves, knotting hard in his stomach, an urge to thrust and move up to Carson's mouth. "Please, please, Carson, you..." Did it so well, no teeth, just warm wet mouth and his hair under Rodney's fingers.

He could steer him, couldn't stop himself from twining fingers in soft thick hair and then moving in that hot warmth. It felt incredible and all kinds of wonderful and Cason wasn't stopping, just sucking harder and moving more.

There wasn't any end point, no clear there point and somewhat less mess to clear up but Rodney could feel it coming, could feel the edge of orgasm rising fast. It was almost too much pressure, almost too much sensation, but he held onto Carson, groaning. "Please, oh, god..."

There was a brief pause as Carson lifted his head a little against his grip and glance up at him and said in that Scottish brogue "Come for me, Rodney," before returning to what he was doing and making it impossible to do anything but obey.

Too much, too much of a good thing. Rodney could feel it rise up over him, the feeling of release without actual release and the tight needles of sensation when Carson kept sucking. He could feel his muscles twitch, shuddering as he let Carson drag it out. "That's ... okay. I can't, huhn, is enough."

Carson stopped immediately. "You can't come this way?" he asked softly, his fingers still trailing those area's he never knew he had on his inner thighs.

Yeah, that was why he never got very far relationship wise. He could still feel the aftershocks shivering through him and Carson asked that. Rodney took a deep breath, letting his fingers stroke through Carson's hair. "No, I came already. It's nothing too obvious." Except that he was probably wet enough to leave a spot on the mattress.

"Ahh." Much to his surprise, Carson smiled. "Well you appear to have the best of both worlds because that means there's no reason you can't have multiple orgasms." He gave him a look that he'd never seen directed at him before, in fact he hadn't been sure they existed outside of porn movies. "I could keep you coming all night."

He teased a little with a finger, finding the damp and wet from between his legs.

"Theoretically yeah." Rodney swallowed, shifted his hips a little. "Or I could return the favor." Because Carson was almost touching ‘there’, and Rodney wasn't going to tell him not to but he could nurse a case of nerves. Because that had been... enjoyable.

"I'd be a fool to say no," Carson murmured. "But remember, I'm pretty ready right now. I like to taste you like that." He didn't stop with his hands though.

Carson's hands were nice enough that Rodney wasn't going to do anything, at least not just yet, that might stop those fingers.

"How ready is 'pretty ready'?"

"Now that would depend on what you wanted to do," Carson answered. "Because if you want me to...make love to you, I need to hold onto what I've got, if you know what I mean." He chuckled a little and doodled little patterns with his fingers.

The muscles on the inside of his thigh twitched. Rodney stretched his legs a little, peering down at Carson. "This is pretty novel and I mean that in a good way." There was a lot they could do, and Carson would probably be surprised when he realized that Rodney could fuck him. He let his finger idle through Carson's hair, enjoying the short coarse strands. "I'd enjoy that."

"I think I would to," Carson replied. "Shall we do that? I want you to dictate the pace of things - I would feel more comfortable with that because then I'd know I wasn't doing anything stupid." He smiled. "Plus I like the way you go from coherent to sexy babble."

Rodney didn't bother not laughing that time. "Sexy babble, huh? Here, move up." Face to face would be easier to figure it out, and he could explore Carson a little more. "What time are you going in tomorrow? I have to be in at seven for a sim."

"I could go in with you. I want to see if I can catch a moment with the General about the Asgard. He doesn't read memos. I think he works on the premise if it is important enough people will tell him about it." Carson murmured shifting upwards. His cock brushed against him and he could feel the heat in it.

"Right. That means..." Rodney turned his head, looking at the clock beside the bed. "We have four hours before we need to sleep. That's plenty of time to do a little of everything." Rodney lifted his eyebrows at Carson, and shifted just enough to slide an arm around him as he pressed back against Carson's hard cock.

"I think my normal limitations are eroding away," Carson said and his voice was rough. Rodney could see as he pulled him closer how much Carson's pupils dilated as he touched him. It was amazing really. "I want you so much would you help me with a condom, Rodney?"

"You actually have them?" That was more forethought than Rodney had managed, though he appreciated it. "Yeah -- where are they?"

"Drawer behind you," Carson waved towards it. "I sometimes find it easier to masturbate with one on. Saves on clean up."

"The less cleanup, the better." Rodney kissed Carson loosely and leaned to nudge open the drawer. He could feel Carson pressed against him, could feel Carson's dick pressed close to his own. He grabbed a condom and turned back to Carson.

He unwrapped it and then smoothed it on, feeling it twitch as he did so and Carson's sharp inhalation. "Better," Carson replied. "Better love. Now where were we?"

"I was overwhelming myself with creative possibilities," Rodney said honestly. He gave Carson's cock an idle stroke. "I want you to fuck me."

"Well now, as you asked so politely," Carson answered sounding amused. "Why don't we get a little closer and see how that works out for us."

"I think it's going to work out pretty well," Rodney murmured, but he did move closer, shifted to press against Carson, laying down again.

A little pause and he rubbed a little against him and then very very slowly slipped inside of him. "How does that feel, love?" Carson asked in a hoarse voice.

Easy as that. Maybe it was the time Carson had taken, or the comfortable circumstances, or the fact that Carson wasn't reveling in the difference from what he expected and what he got, that he wasn't tugging or pulling, he was just... in. In, more than the nothing at all he was used to, but not painful. Rodney shifted, pressed up closer against him, his dick pressing against Carson's stomach. "That's... Huh, give me a second. Feels good." Maybe the latex made it easier.

"Aye, for me too," Carson said kissing him again. "Let's see if we can make this more pleasant a memory."

They were on their sides now, and somehow that made slow movements natural.

It wasn't flat on his back pinned down and Carson had shifted them both with careful leg motions. Laying on his side was easier, even if once they were there he shifted one leg over Carson's. Stretched a little, but it was worth it for the pressure of Carson's slight slide within him. Rodney exhaled hard. "Yeah, I think I could like this."

"Oh good," Carson chuckled a little. He kissed him again and began to move slowly, just a little slide but constant and definitely interesting. Very different from anything else.

So, it was less the feeling of being penetrated and more the circumstances that were the problem, which was good to know. He rocked his hips forwards against Carson, letting the fingers of one hand slide over Carson's chest. "It's novel."

"It shouldn't be," Carson murmured. "You should've known how good it was before, someone should've given you this before. It is a privilege to give you this, love..."

He started moving with him and it stayed smooth and easy.

Slow and smooth, even if Rodney wanted to push his luck and grind against Carson, pelvis to pelvis. He wasn't going to go too fast and hit any problems on his own and slow and easy felt ’good’. Felt like he could touch Carson, stroke his sides and just enjoy body to body contact, inside and out.

"I love you,." Carson murmured in his ear, kissing there and then to his lips as he rocked a little harder, a little deeper. He practically purred when Rodney stroked his skin as well.

He groaned back against Carson, twisting his hips, rocking back and forth, feeling an orgasm coming up again, and that could only be because Carson had left him so sensitive after the first one. He let his hands wander Carson's back and tried to get just a little closer.

"I can feel you around me... I want to move more..." Rodney wasn't sure why Carson was telling him that. "Can I... on your back?"

Yes. No? "Yeah, we can just..." Shift, moving a little too fast, faster than Carson, and he felt Carson slip out. Rodney reached for his dick, helping him slide back in. "Fuck, yes."

They rolled back then, Carson over the top of him then and able to push in deeper and faster and there was a movement then, fast and slick driving those sensations inside of him into something unstoppable, making another orgasm inevitable.

Losing control was a horrible sensation, most times. Most times. This, this was something else, something he knew was coming, felt coming, wanted to feel better. It was Carson fucking him, his dick against Carson's stomach, two bodies in motion together while he felt the fluttering tightness in his belly, felt himself start to clench around Carson spasmodically. "So good, fuck, fuck, so good, Carson, please, don't stop..."

He wasn't stopping, he was going faster and deeper and doing a frantic thrust or two before he groaned "Rodney..." and panting, stopped and collapsed on him.

Rodney laid there and slowly let his legs stretch out, felt himself still twitching around Carson a little. He smoothed his hands down Carson's sweaty back, trying to catch his breath. "Mmm."

"You know, that was pretty good," Carson managed even if he was half sprawling over him. "I'm only not saying it was fantastic so your ego doesn't explode."

"I have a really healthy ego," Rodney sighed, fingers lingering along Carson's spine. He liked that, liked the flattened out laziness. "That was something I could look forward to doing again."

"Hopefully fairly frequently," Carson replied, draped over him. "I'm just grateful you trust me enough to allow me to do this."

He seemed sincere, where a lot of people wouldn't have been.

"I do." Trust him. It seemed a little cliché to Rodney to say 'I love you' when he still had Carson's dick in him, and he did want to get up and shower. Or move. Change the scenery. "I could return the favor. Maybe a little later than I thought..."

"No hurry, I intend to have a long period of time to exchange favors," Carson replied. "Now we've established you can cope with me, then there's no hurry."

"No hurry at all. I can more than cope with you," Rodney murmured, smiling and turning his head to press his mouth against Carson's cheek. "I don't have words for that."

"You don't need them," Carson murmured. "I love you. I'm going to be here for you and...have a lot of time for us to enjoy each other."

"I'm not much on... words." Rodney shifted a little, settled one hand loosely on Carson's shoulder blade. He liked that, though, liked lazing in it.

"Maybe we should have a nap before we try anything else," Carson said shifting back a little. He smiled. "I'll look forward to it."

Carson moved just a little more and Rodney could feel him slip out. "Yeah. I could use a nap. And a shower. And to just stay like this."

"I think we can do that, love," Carson murmured nuzzling him softly. "That's something I know we can do together."

Rodney closed his eyes. When he took a deep breath, he could feel Carson breathing, too.

Yeah. They could.

* * *

The blissful haze of discovering a new love, a new relationship was doomed to interruption by default, but Carson had been hoping for a little more than a couple of days. He didn't get it.

He'd spent a long day trying to explain to the general using ever more ludicrous analogies that he knew what he was talking about to do with the Asgard. The general promised that he’d try and have a word, but he was due to go back to Atlantis with Woolsey, so he couldn't promise anything. The problem was he had a feeling that O’Neill was going to delegate it to Dr Lam and that didn’t bode well for the project’s future.

And then there was a knock on the door and he could see the dim shape of a woman through the glass. Unless Elizabeth had finally returned one of his calls in person, he wasn't sure who it was.

Possibly a door to door salesman. Woman. It wasn't Rodney -- he had perhaps an hour left in the lab, because there was some minor data decompression emergency that he needed to tend to. Carson was just glad that it wasn't anything dangerous that Rodney was handling.

"Hello?" he said pleasantly enough and then he took in the suitcases in each hand. As she turned to look at him he could see a familiar jaw line. "Oh are you Jeannie? Rodney's sister?"

"And you must be Carson." She had a bright face, bright eyes, and hair that was messy-controlled like John's had been. Pretty, there was no question she was pretty, the easy naturally in control of herself type.

"Aye, lass," he answered. "Come on in. I wasn't sure if you were bringing your family or not."

"Caleb and Madison can get involved in this later." Jeannie tilted her eyebrows at Carson in what was almost a familiar manner. "Are you sure it's all right that I stay here?"

"More than all right," Carson said, reaching a hand out to help with a case. "You're Rodney's sister. I'd really like to see him have some family support. It'll be important to him."

Jeannie gave him a look and then nodded as she stepped inside carefully. "What, uh. I hate to ask 'what happened', but I think I need to ask just that."

"Here, let me put these in the guest room and I've just made some tea if you want some, or there's coffee?" Carson replied trying to think what he could say

What could he say to Rodney's estranged sister? And what did Rodney ’want’ said? Because he knew his friend, yes, but he didn't know how Rodney wanted to handle ’this’. They hadn't really been dealing with it. "I'll try tea, thanks." She let him take the bags but half moved to shadow him so she could probably find her own way around. "Is he at work right now?"

"He will be back in an hour or so. I was going to make some dinner shortly," Carson said and put the bags in the ground floor guest room and then returned to make Jeannie a cup of tea. "I'll be truthful, Jeannie, I don't know what to say to you. I know you have sufficient clearance to hear about the background but there are parts of it that are personal, for Rodney to tell, not me."

"But he's really pregnant and hasn't just lost his mind? Because Mer can be pretty vivid and I'm betting that if he ever did go off the deep end, he'd do it in an unmatchable way. Caleb had always envisioned a more Lex Luthor style unhinging, but..." Jeannie rolled her shoulders, clearly reaching to ease Carson a little.

"That I can confirm, yes," Carson said, having discussed that aspect of things with Rodney. "He hasn't lost his mind, although I am sure there is a lot for him to work through. It has not been easy for him. I think you'll find he is changed in many ways, if not in others."

"Is this where you give me the speech about my brother being a better, less self-centered person?" Jeannie threw Carson a smile. "According to Colonel Carter, he's still arrogant and bad with people."

"Well, that would be hard to deny, but I could spend a very long time telling you about all the times he saved our lives and risked his own," Carson said sincerely as he passed over the tea.

It was hard to *not* think of those times, times when his skills had been less useful and Rodney and John's skills had been necessary to keep the mission going. Applied science, roll your sleeves up deal in the dirt of the day work. Rodney had quietly admitted to missing that, to feeling the city alive around them. "You were in the base that Colonel Carter mentioned losing?"

"Yes. I was the Chief Medical officer," Carson replied. "And research geneticist. For a long while we were literally incommunicado. It looked like a one way mission. It was one way for a long time in a hostile place."

"Do you want to go back?" And did Rodney want to go back, was probably the question.

"I want to be where Rodney is," he said slowly and was almost as surprised by what he said as Jeannie appeared to be. "Before, I would've said yes without hesitation. Now..."

"So you and my brother are..." Jeannie waved a hand at him as she sat herself down at the little kitchen table that he and Rodney put to use on so many nights. "Are you the uh, father?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm not." It did hurt, just a little, but it wasn't as if he didn’t have a lot of siblings to carry on the Beckett genes. He'd known it wouldn't be him.

"Oh." Jeannie's face twisted up for a moment, like she was trying to work out just how that had happened, when she knew the mechanics well herself. "Oh."

"There were circumstances," Carson said. "The rest of it is Rodney's to tell, but suffice it to say, I know the implications, I know what we're getting in to and I'm not intending to go anywhere."

"So you're okay with that kind of commitment?" Jeannie was still looking at him a little funny, while he made the tea. "I, I'm sorry, I know that sounded rather brusque."

"Is this where you threaten to break my legs if I hurt him?" Carson said, as he brought over the mug. "He'll probably not tell you this because I'm sure he doesn't believe it yet himself, but I love him. I've been in love with him for several years and he hasn't known. Even if he hadn't pushed me to say something, I would've stayed as a best friend just because."

Because. Because half of knowing Rodney was basking in the, at turns harsh and at turns very, considerate personality. Well, somewhat considerate. Not in the usual social ways but where it counted. Where it counted, when it mattered, Rodney was there. "So are you pretending this is some chick flick, or does Rodney actually ‘know’ that you're willing to make that kind of... I have no idea what I'm saying, actually."

"I'm beginning to see it's a hereditary state," Carson replied. "He knows as of a couple of days ago. Whether he believes is another matter."

She was ’looking’ at him, that same measuring look Rodney gave people sometimes. "So, you love my brother. And my brother is pregnant with another man's baby. And. He's keeping it. I'm still stuck at that last one, because that's not the Mer I knew."

"Well, I admit, it could've gone either way," Carson replied. "You have to understand, these circumstances they...they could've had an impact. And he has changed a lot. You do know why he was so against you getting married? Having a family?"

"He didn't want me wasting my life and my mind." Jeannie threw a tight smile at Carson. "He meant well."

"He couldn't imagine a family being happy," Carson said quietly. "He couldn't imagine you being anything else but being unhappy because from his point of view, relationships were doomed and any kids ended up miserable. He was trying to protect you. I'm sure there was an element of not wanting to waste your talents, but I am sure if he had even the faintest idea that you would be happy, then he would've been fine about it."

Jeannie looked down into her mug and then back up at Carson after a moment. "I've been happy. Very happy, actually. Madison is a bright, happy, healthy four-year-old, and Caleb is a fantastic husband. I decided to take our parent's example and make a point to head in the other direction."

"Aye. Well then. Explain that and you might convince him he has a chance of being happy," Carson answered. "You have to understand, I only know a little and I don't know how much truth there is to it, but I know what Rodney feels and he feel he is doomed to never have a good relationship."

"I think that has a lot more to do with his own..." Jeannie gestured one hand vaguely. "Problems. Did he ever get therapy? Real, long-term type."

"Not for that specifically," Carson said. "I was the only one who knew on ...on the base. Let's just say, that was comparatively normal for where we were."

"I, uh. I can imagine." She took a sip of the tea, swallowing slowly. "After the little grey men, I'm willing to believe anything."

Carson raised his eyebrows. "You've met the Asgard?" he asked. "How much have you been involved with the SGC Jeannie?"

"I helped Colonel Carter with some of her theoretical work on the 'McKay-Carter bridge', I think it was being called." She winked at him. "I've been waiting for Rodney to hold the olive branch out to me. It was petty, but I think it's genetic."

"I'll give you that. For a brilliant family, there’s a streak of stubborn stupidity," Carson replied, smiling. "I think he's going to need your support probably more than mine. I'm a doctor, but I can't tell him how it will really feel."

"Being pregnant?" Jeannie snorted, and took another sip. "Mm, where's your sugar? It's miserable, actually. If Madison wasn't such a great kid, I would have had a hysterectomy. All of those people going on about how you 'glow', when all I wanted to do was pee on their shoes because there was a little creature playing tap-dance on my bladder."

"On second thought's I'm not letting you near him!" Carson said in mock horror. He got up to fetch sugar. "Can I offer you any biscuits or cake?"

"I think the polite answer is 'no', but I had airplane peanuts for breakfast, so yes. Please." Her smile was starting to relax, and that was good. Carson didn't want to make Jeannie feel like the odd woman out. Man. One of the two.

"Then cake it is and I'll put something on for dinner. Anything you don't eat?" Carson asked as he fetched a generous slice from the chocolate cake that Rodney had bought the day before which he interpreted as some sort of thank you.

It had been 'a whim', Rodney had said, and it was a warm, generous whim from Rodney. Carson needed to get used to that, those kinds of things and not just dismissing them or skirting over them because where Rodney was concerned, it was some kind of message. "Red meat. Caleb's vegetarian and after so many years of just avoiding it, I can't actually eat it anymore. Go figure."

"Well then." There went the steak idea. "I can do a good vegetable lasagna, how about that?" He had some garlic bread in the freezer, some fresh salad, he could do fries if necessary and he had some ratatouille in the freezer he could transform into the filling.

"I get the feeling you just came up with that idea. Uh, can I help? Since I'm intruding, I might as well help make dinner."

"You can carry on talking while I get things going," Carson replied. "You're the only person I've heard Rodney describe as brilliant... so how intimidated am I going to be?"

She laughed a little, and took a bite of the offered cake. "I shouldn't intimidate anyone."

"I have been friends with your brother for some time. The intelligence factor would intimidate anyone," Carson replied as he got the ratatouille out of the freezer, looked at it suspiciously and then put it to defrost. "Sam Carter does not work with just anyone."

"So I was told. That was supposed to impress me." Carson could hear the smirk in her voice. "It didn't. Mer knows how I feel about science being in the hands of the government and I thought he'd put her up to it."

"I'm surprised they didn't come to him," Carson replied as the microwave worked its miracle and he looked to see where he'd put the lasagna sheets. Maybe she could stir the béchamel sauce or something for him. That was the difficult bit. "To persuade you but this was recently yes? They probably didn't want to pressure him."

"Well, recently ,recently back when you started that... series of gates with the midway point linking them. If by recent you mean that."

Yes, that would've been in the timeframe. Carson nodded. "Aye. You know where we were then?"

She took a deep breath and chewed around another bite of cake. "A mythical city."

"The house is secure, Rodney saw to that. Atlantis, we went to Atlantis in the Pegasus galaxy, " Carson said as he set the water to boiling and pulled out ingredients for the sauce.

“That." She smiled a little, ate another bite and stood up. "It's a shame I never got there. Doesn't sound like I'll ever do that."

"Sadly no. We found some survivors of the city builders and they repaid our help by throwing us out," Carson said. "It is a sore point."

"It sounded like it might be." Jeannie leaned her hip against the counter, peering at what he was doing. "Did everyone come back?"

Carson found himself frozen a moment. "No lass, no they didn't. We've lost a fair few over the years and someone very dear to Rodney and myself was lost not long before we came home."

"Who was that?" She didn't move, just kept watching him and waiting.

"Colonel John Sheppard," Carson said trying not to remember the last images of John that he had, silently screaming in pain with a Wraith on him. He deserved to be remembered in better times. "He... Rodney was on his off-world team. They were close."

He deserved to be remembered the way he'd lived -- active, busy, saving lives. He'd saved Rodney's and he'd saved all of their lives so many times that it was absurd. "Ah. Is he..." Jeannie paused. "I hate to keep saying 'the father'. I feel like I'm on Maury Povich."

"The truth is, we don't know who the father is, and Rodney would prefer to keep it that way," he answered. In went the lasagna and on when the roué over the heat.

"That's, uh..." Jeannie cleared her throat a little. "That doesn't sound particularly good."

"It isn't," Carson said concentrating on the cooking. "Like I said, circumstances."

Jeannie went quiet for a moment and Carson wasn't sure what impossible question she might've been coming up with. "So. How can I help with dinner?"

"Would you mind stirring this sauce? I have to find the nutmeg. It tastes so much better with a little nutmeg," Carson answered. "So, I'm afraid Rodney hasn't told me much about you. I've gathered that you are his older sister and you have a husband Caleb, who is a vegetarian and a daughter called Maddie... is that right? Tell me some more about them and yourself. Rodney will be home soon."

"Well, I'm a stay at home mom, mostly, but I also do contract work and research on my own and publish papers where I can. When Madison's older, I'll probably look into something more full time. Caleb teaches High school-level English back home, which is a completely legitimate use of his English major. Rodney thought you could only use it to flip burgers." She leaned in and took the spoon gently from him.

"Aye well, Rodney has been calling me a voodoo practitioner for years so I don't think he counts any doctorate or qualification aside from his own even as remotely valid." Carson said as he hunted through cupboards. "He has improved some come a long way from the Rodney I met in Antarctica."

Jeannie kept stirring, and snorted quietly. "I don't think anyone would have willingly moved in with ’that’ Rodney. I know he never meant to be an asshole. It just came naturally. And from a very young age. Ever been called a 'retard' by a sullen six-year-old who means it?"

"Problem is you tend not to learn those skills unless you are very wrong about something and the universe thumps you upside the head," Carson answered as he found the nutmeg. Rodney probably didn't get that when he was young," Carson smiled. "My brothers and sisters called me all sorts of names but that's a hazard of a large family."

"The difference might be that the 'universe', such as it were, had hit him and he kept trying to hit right back." Jeannie rolled her shoulders slightly. "I remember Rodney when he was still my sister Meredith."

"He won't tell me about much of that," Carson said, putting a generous pinch of nutmeg in the sauce and then putting the ratatouille on to heat up now it was defrosted. The lasagna was softening up nicely.

"He went through this whole really over dramatic 'Meredith is dead, call me Rodney' period when he went off to college." Jeannie waved one hand slightly. "And I know that he's more comfortable as a man, and I understand he was all of 15, 16 at the time. All teenagers are like that, but it was really something special. He was a mess, and dad died and it was really one thing after another."

"It must've been hard for you," Carson said sincerely. "And for him of course .From the little I've heard things sounded unsettled at the best of times."

"It was, which is why I can understand him being freaked out about being pregnant both because our parents weren't the best role models and he's never been happy identifying as a female." Jeannie stirred the nutmeg in slowly, watching him. "Who taught you to cook?"

"My mum and some of my siblings. I used to buy rides before I could drive with cooking," Carson admitted. "And I enjoy it. My mum is the best cook in the world." He smiled a little even as he decided the lasagna is done. "Is that thickening at all?"

"Slowly." She gave it an almost whisking motion and then twisted around when the front door opened.

"Carson, did you rent a car? That's a fantastic reluctance to take your Dodge whatever it is to the mechanic."

"Not so much a dodge as a visitor Rodney," Carson called out. "Jeannie is here - she's helping me with the lasagna."

He could hear Rodney close the front door and set his bag down on the floor a little heavily. "Jeannie?"

"In here, Mer," she replied and Carson carefully took the spoon away from her, quirking his head at her to indicate she should go to her brother.

"Got here as soon as I could without defying physics ."

She stepped out of the kitchen and into the short hallway and Carson decided to hang back, finish putting dinner together. The fact that he didn't hear anything at first was, perhaps, a good sign.

He hoped they were hugging or looking at each other, or something. He hoped they weren't avoiding each other.

"You know, you look... like you lost weight and in some places put it on," he heard her say eventually, even as he rapidly did the layers of lasagna, vegetables, béchamel and repeat.

"Ha ha. That's probably the most subtle comment I've heard all day." There was no heat, though and Carson could hear more quiet. "It's good to see you. You look, well, older."

"Your grasp of the obvious remains undimmed," Jeannie replied and again it was done without heat as well. That was a good sign. Carson put a layer of cheese over the lasagna and put it in the oven.

"Do either of you want another drink?" he called out. "You both alive in there?"

"Carson secretly enjoys playing hostess, I think. He's been trying to get Elizabeth to come over to dinner for about a week now." Which was something they'd both been trying and Carson was seriously a few days from hunting her down in person.

"I'm all right, thank you, Carson."

"Well, I get concerned when she doesn't answer my calls. It's not like her," Carson said, fixing a drink for Rodney even though he hadn't said anything. "Did I miss a touching reunion? Or were there silent death threats?"

Jeannie was just sitting down, eyes still on Rodney. "Death threat free. We're usually verbal about it."

It didn't... perhaps it was because he lived with Rodney, but the differences didn't seem very, well, different. Nothing too striking, just a few changes. "Right," Rodney agreed. And I'm still in shock that you actually showed up this quickly."

"I said I'd be here as soon as I could," Jeannie replied. Her eyes kept drifting towards Rodney's stomach. "You are pregnant then. I mean, we didn't say that aloud before."

"Right." Rodney gave her a quick, tight smile, vaguely self-conscious-seeming as far as Carson was concerned. "This is where you say 'I told you so'."

"I told you that you'd defy medical science and get pregnant?" Jeannie asked even as Carson deliberately moved closer and handed him his drink, slipping an arm around him in a pretext to get him to sit down.

"No, about Madison, and..." Rodney trailed off, peering at Jeannie as he closed his fingers around the tea. It was sort of amusing, to see how receptive Rodney was to just any kind of caffeine. "Actually, if that card got lost in the mail, I'm going to stop talking now."

Rodney probably heard second hand through their mother about Jeannie being pregnant and depending on his mood, he might have offered her money for an abortion and divorce.

"No, I got that card and you were lucky I just decided not to talk to you for a bit," Jeannie replied dryly.

"Why, what did it say?" Carson said, looking at Rodney.

Rodney looked down into the mug, and squinted at it as if it could possibly make the conversation go away. "I might have... hastily suggested that I'd pay for an abortion if Jeannie happened to be having second thoughts about being married."

"He offered to buy me a plane ticket or money for a divorce lawyer before I even managed to get married," Jeannie said.

Carson nearly choked on his drink. "You didn't?"

"Oh he did, he really did," Jeannie said. "I didn't trust myself to reply and then suddenly he disappeared."

"Sent to Siberia, actually," Rodney supplied. "I was stuck working with the Russians for the better part of the year, since being beholden to the Joint chiefs meant I was a DoD commodity to be sent where I was needed. So it wasn't that I disappeared as much as I was given a change of address."

"And never reappeared, at least not to me," Jeannie said.

"So let me get this straight, the last time you actually spoke it was that card?" Carson said. "You know, you're lucky she even spoke to you long enough to hear you out."

He could feel Rodney's shoulders tense up. "Yeah. I know. I'm glad that you came, Jeannie."

"Well, I'm going to get to poke fun, do all the things older sisters do." She shrugged. "Carson wouldn't tell me what happened. Though reading between his conspicuous silences, it wasn't good."

"Uh..." Carson still had his arm around Rodney. "Do you want me here if you are going to talk about this?"

He knew the story, knew what had happened but it wasn't something they talked about. "I think you've run out of things to do to the lasagna." Rodney took a hasty sip of his tea. "It was a mission that went very badly, and uh, how much clearance do you have?"

"I know about Atlantis, I know about Stargates and wormholes and big nasty aliens. Met the naked grey guys."

"Asgard," Carson reminded.

"Asgard, right thanks," Jeannie said. "And Carson has hinted things were dangerous where you were."

"Life sucking space vampires," Rodney drawled, shifting his shoulders again. "There were these... faux Amish people that we dealt with while we were there. Colonel Sheppard and I were captured by a rogue leader of these and tortured. Long story short, Colonel Sheppard didn't survive. I did."

He could tell that shocked Jeannie and he nearly winced when he saw her put that information together with the other. "Oh. Oh."

Yes, she knew what that meant. "And that's why you don't know the father?"

Yes, the bluntness was genetic, obviously.

"I'd just rather not know at this point. I'll figure it out later." Possibly when he was too attached to the little tyke to despise him or her for its father. It wasn't a bad plan, as far as non-scientific plans that Rodney had formulated.

"So you were raped." The words hung bluntly in the air between them all and Jeannie pressed on. "How many people?"

"Does it matter?" Carson said. "The fact he was is enough, surely."

"Just two. Kolya, the commander, and he had Colonel Sheppard and I, at gunpoint. We..." Rodney waved a hand slightly, still tense.

Carson smoothed a hand over his shoulder, looking at Rodney with concern. His glance over at Jeannie showed her looking quite pale.

"There's no just about it, Mer," she said. "God. Not only did he do it himself but forced one of your close friends to do it as well..."

"It's not like I ever thought Kolya was anything but a complete bastard. We'd dealt with him before when he tried to take the city from us and when he ruined an attempt to get a ZPM. In the grand scheme of things, it's still 'just', because I'm here and John ended up drained by a Wraith when he tried to buy me time to get to the Stargate." The words snapped out, quick, sharp, and that was less worrisome than the halting pauses. "I don't know what he would have done if he'd survived and we... lost the city to the damn Ancients anyway. Everything we went through was negated."

"Oh so you wasted all your time there. You didn't advance human knowledge at all in the time you were there," Jeannie challenged. "Don't be ridiculous. You'd do that if only to prove a point to me."

Carson wondered how it was the McKays had managed not to kill each other if this was how they communicated.

"I think we lost more good scientists and good soldiers while we were than it was worth. We had to leave friends behind." There was bitterness in Rodney's voice and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Okay, you know, Carson, you were right. He has changed," Jeannie said. "My brother would've considered the knowledge more important than lives."

"Not for a long time now, lass. He risked himself to save others many times." Carson stroked down Rodney's arm again.

It was probably a good thing that he was doing that because Rodney leaned up, staring at Jeannie. "What the hell? You're testing to see if I've, what? Changed in the last four years?"

"Oh, here's the paranoia. Don't be ridiculous. It's an observation. It surprised me, Mer, that's all. Maybe you don't remember what you used to be like." Jeannie was looking at him and Carson was starting to think he might have to intervene.

Rodney started to open his mouth and then he started to stand up. "Okay, I'm going to be outside. You can... I'll be outside."

"No, no, Rodney, stop a moment," Carson said, trying to tug him to sit back down. "Jeannie, I know you feel you have a lot that Rodney owes you but surely you can put that to one side right now?"

Jeannie frowned as if she didn't understand why Rodney was being so touchy. Carson exhaled. "Sit down both of you." he said firmly. "Maybe you communicated with each other by bickering before but things have changed."

At least Rodney didn't resist when Carson wrapped fingers around his wrist and pulled him to sit back down on the sofa. "I hadn't noticed."

"Jeannie, Rodney may have hurt you by what he said and what he didn't say, but..." Carson exhaled. "He was nearly killed many times, he was hurt even more. He has been through an immense trauma that you or I cannot hope to understand. He needs support not haranguing. If you need to hear the words then I'm sure Rodney will apologize for the card- and you should apologize for what you just said to him."

"What? But I didn't say..."

"Yes, you did, Jeannie. You're judging him and that the last thing he needs from anyone right now," Carson said.

Jeannie went silent a moment. "Sorry, Mer," she said looking down and then up a moment.

There was a particular stubborn set to Rodney's jaw and only slowly did he say, "I'm sorry about sending that card. I meant well. I was worried about you."

"There now," Carson said. "There. Apologies duly given. And I suspect the two of you are stubborn enough that possibly this event should be recorded on a calendar somewhere."

He patted Rodney's shoulder a little, keeping his arm there.

"It's a lot to take in. I just convinced myself that Rodney was..." Jeannie shrugged. "I didn't think you'd have a good reason. But you do."

"A good reason for what?" There was still a sullen edge, but at least it wasn't accusations. No wonder they didn't talk -- if all conversations were held in that tone.

"All I wanted was for you to make contact. Send a card. Say, hey, how're you doing? Are you happy?" Jeannie said. "That's all I wanted, because we were the only good things to come out of our family. We were the family and then it felt like .it meant nothing to you. I meant nothing to you."

Carson had to force himself to be quiet. This was important stuff.

“It didn't. I just." There was a motion like an aborted fidget and Rodney looked sideways at Carson for a moment. "Got caught up in work. And then transported to another Galaxy. We never hit a point where things stopped being a crisis point."

"I can confirm that much. It was pretty much one disaster after another," Carson murmured.

"I know, I just... I was disappointed and hurt. I wanted someone to be happy for me as well," Jeannie answered.

"I'm glad that you're happy. And that you're safe. So no matter what Carter says, do NOT go beyond consulting for the SGC." Of course Rodney had to throw that warning in.

"I've gathered that much," Jeannie said. "And you, you haven't been safe or happy by the sounds of it."

Carson exhaled. No, Rodney probably hadn't been. "I was on a gate team with Colonel Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon. Before that, there was Lieutenant Ford, but he's, well, Ford's a long story that might be better for after dinner. Possibly with hand puppets to try to explain it." Rodney cleared his throat slightly. "It was exciting. We did good work. I still want to go back."

"Even with a baby? Or are you adopting the baby out?" Jeannie asked bluntly, cutting to the heart of the matter.

It was a question Carson wanted answered as well. Rodney started to open his mouth and then stopped for a moment. "That never crossed my mind. I thought of it more as a possible learning experience. Some people take their kids with them on Voluntary Service Overseas. The Athosians have kids."

"Aye, it could probably be done if the opportunity arose," Carson added. "I don't think Rodney is going through with this to not raise the child himself."

Jeannie smirked a little. "Mer, I am going to get a lot of fun out of this. How far along are you?"

"Four and change. I'm planning on becoming a recluse shortly." Rodney raised his eyebrows at Jeannie.

"Don't be ridiculous," Jeannie answered waving her hand. "You’re a man, people will just assume you've overindulged on beer, or got a growth or something."

"I've been banned from calling it a moving tumor," Rodney declared a little more brightly. It was hard to not elbow Rodney gently when he said that.

"Rodney!" Carson said, playing his part.

"Have you picked names?" Jeannie asked. "You could name it after some of your childhood heroes or heroines."

"I haven't given it too much thought. Yet." Rodney cleared his throat again and then sipped at the tea. "I suspect Carson will show up with books borrowed from somewhere in his family any day now."

"If I do that you'll end up with Scottish names," Carson added. "I think my mother used most of them."

Jeannie smiled. "Maddie was a compromise as a name."

"Between what and what?" There, that was solidly non-argumentative of them.

"Caleb's grandmother called Dagmar and my preference of Marie," Jeannie answered. "Apparently he has a cousin Marie who is a "spiteful little bitch" who he hasn't forgiven for wrecking his bike when he was 9."

Carson snorted slightly. "I think my name was chosen as one of the only illustrious male names that we hadn't already used."

"I don't know what my mother was thinking when she named us. Jeannie isn't bad, but Meredith. It's very 'school marm'." Rodney finally started to relax, resting the half-finished mug against his knees. "I should be mean and use an Athosian name."

"Athosian?" Jeannie asked.

"Aye, well the female names were not so bad. Teyla was a lovely name and a fitting role model," Carson mused. "Charon is a wee bit close to Sharon for my liking. The male names were a little less appropriate. Jinto, Halling, that sort of thing."

"I'm not going be allowed to do what I did with pets, am I? See which one fits?" Rodney gestured vaguely at Jeannie.

"It's best to have a short list, otherwise you end up calling them after your doctor in sheer gratitude," Carson said wryly.

"Well, I'll think about it." Rodney leaned his shoulders back against the sofa, pressing closer to Carson. "We don't even know if it's a boy or a girl yet."

"We'll be able to find that out shortly if you like," Carson said. “Get you a scan."

"It's a good idea to find out. Saves on buying the wrong stereotypical colored baby clothes," Jeannie put in.

"I think I'm going to skip that. Remember our mother and those god awful pink dresses?"

"Oh god, don't remind me." Jeannie replied rolling her eyes even as Carson heard the timer beep.

"Excuse me, I'll just get the dinner." Carson said, pushing himself up as the siblings started talking again.

Talking and not yelling. Carson expected there might be a few more hurdles of that magnitude but they could work on it. Hopefully they could work it out without driving him mad before it happened.

* * *

He'd been right in guessing that Jeannie's visit hadn't been entirely to see him but spending the weekend with her and then escorting her to the base pass office was at least... good. It felt like connecting. In the morning she was going to fly back home, having handed over a pile of research to Colonel Carter and signed some papers.

The only thing that made Rodney suspicious was how Carson had made himself scarce so he and Jeannie could sit on the back porch in relative quiet. Well, what passed for quiet for two McKays.

They'd managed to argue their way around contemporary physics and back again. He'd take great delight in pointing out some completely new concept then she'd just effortlessly add some spin or twist on it after all of a minute or two.

If she'd come to Atlantis, they would've made a team like no other. They would've kicked the Wraith out, the Asurans...

Hands were waved and in jokes revived until Jeannie paused and let silence drift a while. "I've missed you, Mer," she said. "More than I expected, considering how soon you moved away."

"You mean when I went to college?" Rodney slouched down in what was his favorite of the set of chairs out back and folded his hands loosely. "I've missed you, too."

"I would've asked you to move up near me but..." She looked over at him. "You've got Carson here. And work."

"And Carson has work," Rodney agreed. "I'm going to make an effort to visit a lot more. Well, once I'm granted my mobility."

"I'll hold you to that," Jeannie answered. "You are happy with him aren't you?"

It was hard to not shift again, with his little sister fixing such an intense gaze on him. "Yeah. I am. Carson is open. He cares about me a lot and I've trusted him for a long time."

"I can't remember you ever trusting anyone, aside from me, Mer," Jeannie answered. "He's ridiculously in love with you though. I'm pointing this out because sometimes you miss these things."

And what was he supposed to say to that? 'I know' sounded hard, callused even if that wasn't what he meant at all. Not in that tone. He loved Carson, but maybe... Maybe it wasn't the way Carson deserved. It wasn't deep and passionate, it wasn't seat of the pants stupid in love. But it was there, a carefully tended fire if he was going to make that comparison. And it was easy. It was easy to share a bed with Carson and easy to let him in that close and easy to trust him. "I still don't understand why."

"You know it is possible," Jeannie said. "I love you too, though sometimes I wonder why. You don't know if you love him do you?"

"It seems trite, almost. He means a lot to me. I'd risk my life for him. I don't know why I need to further define it." He cared about him.

"That's a good start," Jeannie mused. "I like him. He makes good vegetarian food. He can cook, that's got to be worth a lot."

She was teasing him a little, like he remembered when they were both overly bright teenagers and the only ones who could keep up with each other.

"He's not letting me starve to death or try to live off of pizza," Rodney agreed with a twitch of his mouth. "I trust him. I might argue with him, but I know that he has my best interests in mind. Not what he wants. When we, when it came up in a scan that I was pregnant, he offered me the option of 'making it go away'. And I knew that he would have, if I'd wanted that. No questions asked, no recriminations, no holding it over my head."

Jeannie glanced over at him. "Were you tempted?" she asked, and only Jeannie could be that blunt.

"I wouldn't call it a 'temptation'. Another cup of coffee is a temptation." Surgery, of any kind, wasn't really tempting. Or appealing. It was the whole reason he hadn't gotten a hysterectomy and just done away with that part of his anatomy. He'd heard the horror stories, read about them, and hadn't been impressed. "I was still missing Colonel Sheppard. I was still working through everything that happened. I still am. I put it off for a while, thought about it, and decided to go through with it. I thought we'd still be in Atlantis."

"Instead you're here," Jeannie said. "You both talk about this Colonel Sheppard, Carson as well, like he was someone very special. Tell me about him."

Jeannie tended to demand answers like that as her right as an older sister, rather than ask as a form of request.

"He was the accidental head of the expedition. The real commanding officer died within 48 hours of us arriving on what we thought was a one way trip. And he ran with it. Born leader. Not by the book, but he did it well. He kept everyone sane, kept order in the city, or what passed for order. He worked well with Elizabeth -- the civilian head of the expedition. And I was on his gate team. We explored, tried to make treaties, picked up intel, and looked for technology." A lot of time looking for food, basic basic things, but you forgot how much food a person ate when you needed to find it for yourself.

"And you liked him," Jeannie said. "More than liked."

She could still see through him.

"He was..." It was hard to not smile. "Annoying. He feigned stupidity like other people breathed. But he was great. One of those..." Rodney snorted a little. "One day they'll make a history channel movie about Atlantis. Or whenever they declassify the project. And he was one of those people you'd follow into the fire. We did things that I never thought were possible. Not that I couldn't do them but I never expected to be wiring nuclear weapons to functionality with a fleet of space aliens bearing down on our city with a population of 200. More if you counted our refugees."

Jeannie was looking at him a little strangely and he guessed the situation had been strange. "Which you obviously succeeded in doing, considering you're still here."

"The cavalry arrived with a ZPM." Rodney lifted his eyebrows slightly. "John took the nukes with him in a puddle jumper and directly launched it at one of the remaining ships. It was like a VW bug trying to take out an aircraft carrier. I thought I'd killed him."

He was half waiting for the snarky comment but it didn't come. Instead, Jeannie shifted close to him and put her arm around him. "You miss him don't you?"

It made Rodney suck in an unsteady breath. "Yeah. I do."

"He was the one you wanted but never got to have," Jeannie said. "I'm sorry, Mer, I really am."

The worst part was that Carson had basically said the same thing. That the pregnancy might be a piece of John, which, yes, genetically true, but it wasn't the same thing as John and he still didn't want to know either way. It was just easier to not know. "He was straight. Straight as anything. And I didn't want to lose a very good friend and working relationship."

"And I take it your track record with relationships didn't get better over time either?" Jeannie asked.

Rodney snorted and Jeannie patted at his shoulder. "Complete train wreck. I just gave up after a while."

"I was lucky I found Caleb. Someone who could put up with an overly intelligent wife and actually care is someone rare," Jeannie said. "Every day I count myself lucky. I know what I've given up but when it's this real, then you don't regret any of it."

"I'm glad you're happy." And that Caleb was apparently an okay guy. "I'd like to meet Caleb and Madison. Like I said, I'm just waiting to be given the clearance to travel.

"Well come what may, I want to be around when you're having the baby. At least there will be an element of scheduling involved. Or are they going to take a chance on your capacity for labor?" Jeannie asked. "And I'm going to be emailing you every day. You don't get out of contact now."

"I promise to try to write every day." Rodney shifted, looking out over the vaguely barren lawn. "I mean it. I might disappear for a couple of days but if we get to go back I'll tell you well in advance."

"You do that," Jeannie said. "And don't let Carson do too much either. He'll coddle you, I'm sure."

"I'm tempted to say 'smother', but I actually don't mind it. I'm trying to make sure he's not wearing himself out." He wanted to return the favor a little.

"In the meantime I'm going to send you the lotions I found best for cracked nipples and stretch marks," Jeannie replied with relish. "Brace yourself, I'm going to give you a blow by blow account of my pregnancy with Madison before I have to go home. Consider it a fact finding mission."

He didn't bother hiding the groan. "Oh, god. Maybe, uh, oh, I think Carson might need my help with uh, refinishing the garage...”

"No, it's part of my solemn duty as a sister to do this to you. After all, how many sisters get to do this to their brother?" Jeannie said and gave an impish smile. "Where to begin, with the morning sickness or the bizarre pigment change..."

"Done the morning sickness," Rodney cut in.

"Well then, you might get the pigment change. I had it like a stripe up my back and then I looked like I'd tanned. Came on overnight and I thought I was a freak.."

Rodney listened, half groaning inwardly and half just enjoying the fact they were talking like this again. It had started a little rocky but in the end he managed something he'd never believed possible. Reconciliation with his sister.

* * *

Carson could be patient and he could be unbelievably persistent. Skills he had developed over the years of dealing with Marines who thought they knew better than the doctors and that "Oo-rah" was not just a military cure-all, but worked on actual health as well.

Even so, his efforts to contact Elizabeth had been rebuffed to the point he had to take action. If the proverbial mountain wouldn't come to him...

He and Rodney were going to force themselves through her door step. Besides, it was time that Elizabeth knew about them. Rodney was starting to show and starting to get those confused looks that meant he wasn't sure if he was feeling something moving inside or not.

Rodney hadn't said anything to that direction, but he was possibly waiting until it was firm and undeniable. Or until Carson pointed it out to him, whichever came first.

But there wasn't the time and the place for the conversation because he and Rodney were mounting the stairs to her apartment.

"I'm not taking no for an answer, Rodney," Carson said. "She's gone into depression over the loss of the place. Truth be told, if it weren't for you maybe I would've too."

He walked with his arm loosely around Rodney. He liked to touch him, felt comforted by feeling him there.

"We're all half out of our head from missing the place," Rodney murmured. "I mean it. You should read the emails Radek sends from Nevada."

"I wish he was a wee bit closer. He would be very good for Elizabeth, Maybe we should invite him up for dinner. You might want to tell him too." Carson suggested as they approached the door and Carson rang the bell.

"I'll try that later tonight." Radek had apparently, according to Rodney, turned into a vampire, working mad hours of the night for piddling projects that weren't worth shit.

"Then I can set him up with Elizabeth and then maybe he'll stop with the Dracula impression," Carson said, knocking this time, loudly. He knew she was there, he'd checked her car.

It wasn't covered in dust and pollen, so she had to drive it some time, but that also didn't mean that she had to answer her door. "Oh, that sounds great. Yenta."

"I just want them to be happy," Carson answered, as he banged on the door again. "Elizabeth? It's Carson and Rodney. Let us in please?"

"Elizabeth! We know you're in there -- open up or I'll pick your door open!"

"He will as well," Carson added. "You know what Rodney is like."

The thing was Rodney really would do that and he knew that Elizabeth knew that.

The door opened a little and he managed to conceal his shock. Elizabeth really was in a bad way. She looked normal. And that was the point. She'd never looked normal on Atlantis.

She'd always been awake, aware alive, full of energy, and now she looked run down, worn out, bedraggled, words he never thought he'd use for Elizabeth. "Oh, wow, I wasn't actually expecting you to open the door. Hi."

"Hello, Rodney, Carson I,I uh..."

"We were worried. You haven't returned our calls," Carson said. "Can we come in, Elizabeth?"

"....sure, sure okay, come on it," Elizabeth opened the door as if dealing with people was a foreign concept and it worried Carson that that could be the truth.

Who knew how she'd been living since they'd arrived Earthside?

"Thanks." Rodney sidled in before Carson, and watched Carson close the door behind him as Elizabeth fell back into her living room. "We're worried about you."

"I'm just taking some time out," Elizabeth said as she hastily pushed some empty take out boxes to one side. "Catching up on reading, making a few notes. Things I didn't get to do back h- ...back on Atlantis. Have a seat."

"You don't have to pretend with us Elizabeth. We miss Atlantis as well," Carson put in.

"Every day." Rodney slipped his hands in his coat pockets, stepping a little closer to Elizabeth. "They're still negotiating for it."

"The Ancients won't give it back. We could've helped them, helped each other," Elizabeth said as if it just burst out of her. "Would you like a drink?"

Carson nodded. "That would be wonderful. Here, let me clear a bit of space." It wouldn't take long and it might make her feel more together. Classic signs of reactive depression.

Letting the clutter overwhelm as much as the reality of what had happened. Rodney stood off to the side, watching her a little helplessly. "So, uh. What've you been up to?"

"Reading. Making some notes uh... a little writing," Elizabeth answered and Carson continued discretely tidying, watching her as she went to turn on the coffee machine. "How about you two?"

"Working at the SGC," Carson said. "It's a wee bit strange not being in charge of my Infirmary, I must confess."

"I'm doing some uh, side research on Ancient technology. Nothing really active. I'm leaving the running into the line of danger to Carter." Rodney slipped his hands into his pockets.

"Oh right," Elizabeth said. "I can, I can understand that. I'm sorry, I have even really asked how your recovery is going?" She did look a little shocked she had forgotten that.

"Aye, well as I said in my messages, Rodney and I are living together, so I'm keeping an eye on him."

Rodney snorted. "I'm fine and Carson's been watching me. There's not much by way of recovery to worry about right now. Just, uh..."

Elizabeth looked at him, brushing back her hair as she brought over the coffee to the now uncluttered table. Carson managed to fill up the bin and opened the window, hoping he could get away with that imposition.

"Just what, Rodney?"

"I was going to tell you, when we were in the city. I was going to, as soon as it didn't seem like things were going to go wrong, but..." Rodney managed a rough laugh. "When was that last time that happened to us, huh? I'm pregnant."

Elizabeth blinked a moment and Carson guessed it was a testament to her aplomb and experience that she didn't drop the coffee. "I think I might need to sit down," she said. "Are you trying to shock me into action or something?"

"No, lass," Carson replied. "It's complicated, but I can promise you, none of this is a joke."

"Actually, that would have been a great plan," Rodney murmured. "It's a long story. But related to what happened when Sheppard and I were held by Kolya. And uh, otherwise, I'm fine, and hey, what're you writing?"

"Wait, wait..." Elizabeth held her hand up in a gesture he remembered from staff meetings, usually to stop Rodney and John going off on a tangent. "You're seriously pregnant and it was something to do with Kolya or John?"

"I assure you this isn't a ploy, Elizabeth. There are a few things about Rodney that only the CMO knew," Carson admitted. "He didn't want people to know."

Rodney cleared his throat a little and shot Carson a sideways look. "But this isn't about me. We're here to see how you are."

"Rodney, how can you say that when you are pregnant?" Elizabeth said. "It makes my problems seem inconsequential. How, I mean, tell me what happened?"

She was probably thinking 'alien device' Carson guessed and Rodney seemed uncomfortable standing there. "I never really finished that sex change operation, so uh, in with the cutting and the Wraith draining and the electrocution."

"Wait." Elizabeth took a breath. "Sex change?"

Carson sat down as well next to her. "Aye, Rodney was born with a congenital condition that effectively gave him the appearance of both sets of sexual organs."

And Rodney stayed standing up. "And one of them works. So, uh... pregnant. I figured it was worth mentioning, since you are a friend."

Elizabeth looked more startled and pole-axed by that than anything else. "You know, I think I might need something a bit stronger than coffee."

"It's a little bit surprising isn't it?" Carson agreed. "And because you are our friend, we're worried about you, Elizabeth. We thought you might be trying to negotiate a means of getting back to Atlantis."

"Imagine our surprise to find out that they haven't been able to get a hold of you, either." Rodney moved and did sit down, a little away from Elizabeth, watching her.

"I'm too biased to be allowed anywhere near the negotiations apparently," Elizabeth said. "Which, if I’m truthful, is probably the case."

"Ach, well, we all are with regard to Atlantis. After all we practically nursed the city back to life," Carson managed to say soothingly. "That shouldn't make a difference. Are you sure it's not because you are so disillusioned about the Ancients? After all, they do have quite the reputation from their writings and history. Face to face they were much less... god-like."

"More obnoxious in person," Rodney murmured, folding his arms over his chest as he looked at Elizabeth. "That was not the enlightened reaction we were told to expect."

Elizabeth seemed to pull herself a little more together. "I wanted to learn from them, create a relationship of mutual respect, instead I feel like a little girl who's been sent to her room for no good reason. It's... humiliating."

"Aye, it is that, lass, and it's difficult to readjust to life back here, but..."

"There’s always the hope that the Wraith find them again. I think they walked in there and thought the war was over, which -- actually, did anyone correct them on that?" Rodney was all nervous energy and it made Carson want to settle him down.

"We did tell them how we had progressed. They dismissed it," Elizabeth said and the bitterness in her voice was palpable.

Carson tried not to sigh. He understood, he really did and it hadn't been easy to effectively be demoted and relegated at the SGC. He was pretty sure the retrovirus incident was his equivalent of a black mark because even his work on the Asgard code had been pretty much shelved by Dr. Lam at the first review point but they really needed a surgeon with xenobiology experience and that was hard to find. He didn't really mention that to Rodney though.

"Whatever the situation, Elizabeth, doing this won't help. Being a recluse. Rodney and I were hoping to persuade you to come out for dinner soon. Radek is making a visit and we thought it would be good to meet up."

"Oh, well..." Well, she was digging for an answer, but Carson knew it was going to be an excuse. That was all she was digging for.

"It's just dinner, but with Radek in town we thought we could all get together."

"I don't know. I mean, there's my writing and..."

"Elizabeth." Carson knew sometimes he could be a push over but when it came to the welfare of people he cared about he could be as hard-ass as they came. "Elizabeth, you will be coming. It's time to step away from this and start looking forward."

He glanced at Rodney a moment. Elizabeth was all wrapped up in her own drama. "We all left a lot behind on Atlantis but we all brought things with us. Amazing things."

"What use are amazing things we can't do anything about?"

"How many societies did you handle while we were in Pegasus, Elizabeth? Don't you still want to do that with the SGC? They still negotiate with allies. They need all of the help possible, and at least they still value you," Rodney offered.

"I was in charge, Rodney. I gave up everything for that one spot. I lost... I gave up my partner, any chance at marriage, a family for Atlantis," Elizabeth said and Carson was glad to hear some fire in her voice. "It's one thing if we lost her ourselves because I know we would've tried everything. But I didn't even get to try."

Carson shook his head. "Elizabeth, we've all lost Atlantis. Every day I feel it missing." It had been a presence he hadn't really been aware of until it was missing. Like the unshakeable belief when he was a child that his mother wouldn't let anything happen to him - a warm and comfortable feeling. "But Earth is our home here and now. We need to find roots."

"You gave up... what? You're a beautiful woman, Elizabeth. If what's his face is really what you miss, you're, you're pretty and intelligent enough that it shouldn't be a problem for you. If that's what you want. If you want the city back..." Rodney rolled his shoulders. "The SGC has been looking for you, like I said. We could find another Atlantis. Or, or, we could make contact with the Furlings. Or..."

"Okay, Rodney, I get it, I really do." Elizabeth held up her hands in self-defense to preempt the unending list of reasons. "Are you both working for the SGC?"

Carson glanced at Rodney. "I am yes, under Doctor Lam. They needed another surgeon and I do some research. Rodney is on part time."

"It's not as if the sun doesn't shine out of Colonel Carter's ass, so they don't really need me, but..."

"I don't understand why they are not valuing the pair of you," Elizabeth said with a frown. "Haven't they read any of my reports? We weren't the second string, we were... are their best!"

"You can't have two CMO's." Carson tried to placate a little, though secretly pleased Elizabeth seemed to be taking an interest. "I think perhaps they worried a little about our autonomy."

"I took myself off of field missions and eventually I'll have to tell them what's going on, but..." Rodney shrugged. "For now I'm avoiding hazardous materials all on my own."

"I'm still trying to deal with that news," Elizabeth said. "I was doing a good job of pushing it out of my mind."

He couldn't blame her. She was probably trying to work out how and who, and Rodney liked to duck those questions as much as possible, had even tried it with his sister. "It still feels surreal to me," Rodney told her. "I'll have you come over and change diapers eventually."

Elizabeth chuckled, "I would like to be an honorary Auntie. I don't know if Carson's told you..."

Carson shook his head, of course he hadn't told anyone. That was Elizabeth's information and her medical records.

"...I had an ectopic pregnancy in my early twenties and it went very wrong. Effectively, I’m sterile, short of intervention with miracle devices, " Elizabeth said. "I was never giving up that part of things and now you, you are having a baby, Rodney. I never thought, I mean, you never seemed the type to even consider that."

"Well, it happened, and..." Rodney made a vague circular gesture. "I thought about it. It was a freak of chance. It's not something that could probably ever happen again. Plus, the chance to raise a little me? C'mon, that's the height of the egotism everyone's expecting from me." At least he was smirking a little. Talking with Jeannie had helped lighten Rodney's attitude about it and Carson was assuming it was because Rodney could see that there was life beyond morning sickness and the other discomforts.

"You are less egotistical than people assume," Elizabeth said with a faint smile. "I think it'll change your life Rodney. What were you going to do if we weren't sent home?"

"The same thing I'm doing now. I would have taken myself off of field duty and..." Rodney shrugged. "And if we can go back, I will. That's not going to change."

Carson wasn't sure if that would last once the baby had been born. Rodney could be protective of himself and Carson was half expecting him to be very protective of the baby when it was born. "So would I," Elizabeth said and sighed a little. "I can't even convince myself to pull myself together because I'm a leader anymore."

"You're still a leader." Rodney leaned forwards from where he was sitting, looking at her. "You're just in search of a posting."

"Thank you, Rodney," Elizabeth said. She looked at them both as if seeing them for the first time properly. "Are you two...?"

"Rodney is staying with me, yes," Carson said immediately. "I think I would be very unsettled if he was on his own." That was an enormous understatement.

Worried sick was more like it and he wasn't sure how Rodney would have done. Some days Rodney was himself, like always, and sometimes he was stretched tight, and... It was a compounding of problems, Carson knew, because it wasn't just that Rodney's male identity was being put in a questionable position, but all of the actions that had led up to that, still all needed to be addressed. Sometime.

Eventually.

Rodney snorted. "I have my personal mother hen."

"He does it so well," Elizabeth replied and patted at Carson's arm.

"You bloody need it, Rodney," he protested. And he needed him to need him and want to stay because even if this was hard work, this was all he'd ever wanted and more. Rodney and a family - he'd never dreamed of the second part until now and it was a wonderful thing. "Between Jeannie and I, we'll sort him out."

"I'm glad to hear it. I could use some of that myself," Elizabeth commented.

"So, why don't you start by coming out to dinner with us?" Rodney asked, lifting his eyebrows at her.

"Okay, okay, I'll come," Elizabeth capitulated. She looked around at her apartment as if disgusted to realize that she lived there. "When is it?"

"Saturday. But, we can call for takeout and keep you company right now," Rodney offered with a grin. "And you can tell us how your manuscript is going."

"It's more like notes," Elizabeth answered. "And possibly you might find some things a little bit embarrassing. " She paused a moment. "There's a lot in there about John. You probably wouldn't want to read that right now."

Carson wasn't sure about Rodney but he wanted to read it someday at least.

"No, you'd be surprised." Rodney sat up a little, lifted his chin up and he seemed to be willing to read it just because Elizabeth had suggested he might not want to.

"In that case," Elizabeth handed over a sheath of papers. "Read on. I'm sure you won't hold back on the criticism."

Carson was sure of that too. He was glad they'd come because maybe this might just crack open that door for Rodney into everything he had left behind with John when he escaped; everything Kolya had taken from them both.

And in the end, however painful, that had to be a good thing.

* * *

There was going to be no second chance.

It had moved so fast, so damn fast, and Rodney had to give them credit for that, for not telling them as soon as they'd gotten the message. If they had told them, then there was a good chance that they would've tried to commandeer a puddle jumper and... something. Rodney wasn't sure if the four of them could've managed shit, but they would have tried.

Only, they hadn't been given that chance.

Oh, the SGC had still interrupted dinner -- and on top of that, had paged him, Elizabeth and Radek but not Carson with the call to come in -- but it was with the news that not only had the city been captured, but that O'Neill and Woolsey and the city's ZPMS had been extracted before they'd nuked it. And that was what caught him in the chest. Yes, yes, 3 more ZPMs, yes, but the city had been nuked because the fucking replicators had found the city, had found the arrogant Ancients, and really, that hubris had killed them was about as surprising as the fat content in a Big Mac, but...

Atlantis was gone.

Just like that, he realized that he had been holding himself together with the thin hope he would be going back one day, somehow and now that was gone, vaporized. He used to think John had been reckless but compared to Caldwell, he was...had been a lot more creative in his recklessness.

Elizabeth had looked horrified and he was sure he'd seen a tear running down her cheek and Radek was murmuring to himself in shocked tones. Carson just stood there, holding his shoulder, as if he could protect Rodney from the news somehow.

It wasn't going to work, didn't work. They were all needed, of course, for the ramifications of new research with the ZPM, he and Radek both, and the focus on the current universe. But Teyla and Ronon were out there. There was a whole Galaxy out there that had used their help, alliances they'd made, and now they were gone, cut off, with the Wraith awake generations earlier than they'd expected and in full out war. There had been tentative agreements, that Elizabeth would come back, that Radek would stay with the SGC for a little while on loan, and...

And Rodney wasn't sure.

He wasn't sure if this was everything or even anything to him now. Atlantis was not the same as the SGC. Atlantis didn't ostracize people out of favor like this. The worst time he remembered was after Doranda and John staying away from him for a while and working out that was maybe because yes, he was angry but angry at himself as much as with Rodney because he hadn't acted when he felt he should've.

Here they sent you to Siberia, or away somewhere, or in Carson's case, to the status of dog’s body. He hadn't seen it until they got here all together but there was no doubt about it. They were more than just slighting him and underutilizing his skills. It was as if they were forcing some sort of penance on him.

"... is retrovirus, yes? They called it big failure if it doesn't work, genocide if it does," Radek murmured to him as they waited together. "Either way he does not win."

"Welcome to the way they've always done things. Science last, unless they can actively weaponize it." Rodney rubbed at his temples. "This is, this is insane. Why did they even call us here? Why are we still here?"

"I'm thinking they called us to see if we had any intel that would be relevant," Elizabeth said. "I would imagine that they are trying to assess the possibility of replicators surviving and potentially trying to invade Earth. I saw Landry take Major Lorne into the briefing room."

Which would've been John, if John had survived, assessing the military impact of the situation. Then perhaps it would be their turn as scientists to assess probabilities of replicator survival which were... well, ridiculously high actually, even with a Nuke in play.

He wondered if he was going to be pulled in next. Military head, then the scientific head, then Elizabeth, then Carson, then Radek, then...

Then they could go home. That was all Rodney could think because their city was over.

He looked sideways at Radek and then put his head in his hands. "What a clusterfuck."

"Yes, I am agreeing with you," Radek said mournfully and Carson put his arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, I know you wanted to go back - we all did," he said, as if it were somehow his fault. It was no one's stupid fault aside from the arrogant Ancients.

"Hubris," Rodney muttered. "They built the replicators and the replicators killed them, and..." And oh, fuck. Hubris. He'd taken the lock off of their code, which meant that they'd overridden their adoration to the Ancients somehow...

Which meant indirectly he had set in motion the destruction of Atlantis. He'd only removed the unreasoning aggression but...

But things were always more complex than they appeared.

A Marine appeared from around the corner. "Dr McKay, Dr Zelenka, General Landry would like to speak with you now."

Rodney grunted, and stood up. "You'll probably be up next, Carson." Rodney slipped his hands into his pockets, shoulders shifting in his sport-coat. It was a damn shame that he'd dressed up for dinner, only to really end up back at work. They hadn't even gotten to the entree.

"Aye, you don't have to wait for me if you want to go on home after your grilling," Carson said.

Like he wouldn't wait for Carson.

"This way, sir," the Marine said and led the pair of them around the corner into the briefing room.

"Dr McKay, Dr Zelenka, have a seat," General Landry said. "I'll make this as brief as possible. I need to know the likelihood of repercussions from the destruction of Atlantis."

"Why did you destroy it in the first place?" Rodney moved to sit down when he was gestured to sit down and he didn't have to look at Zelenka to know that was a question they both wanted answered. "Because if one single nanite survived, it will rebuild."

"General O'Neill and Richard Woolsey determined that it was too dangerous to stay in the hands of beings that systematically killed their creators," the general replied. "Even an EM pulse would not have sufficed in this instance."

"No, they have some shielding," Radek said. "Rodney is right, General. Perhaps the blast destroyed them all, but it is difficult to take that risk. Nanites are microscopic. Smaller than a cell. Hard to find let alone destroy. In city, there would be billions upon billions of them."

"Each single replicator was made up of billions of them and they probably brought the city's population to, what, 1000 at a guess? If they'd had time. How many nukes were used?" On their city, on home, on ground that so many men had died for, for no damned reason but the advancement of science that wouldn't stop to remember them.

"Three," the general replied. "In the end, three to make sure."

Radek looked at Rodney. "Possibly enough. Difficult to say." There wouldn't be much left though either way.

"I needed to know if they are likely to survive and target Earth,” the general said.

Zelenka shook his head. "They held the city for many days. They had many ZPMs. If they had wanted to destroy Earth, then we could not have competed. No, priorities with Ancients of Pegasus."

"Priorities with the humans of Pegasus," Rodney added, feeling his mouth pull into a grim line. "If what you want to know is 'can you ignore them for your other priorities', yes. If we leave them alone. When does work with the ZPMs start?"

"As soon as possible," Landry replied. "The replicators are not an issue I want to deal with again on Earth. There will be teams developing different anti-replicator weaponry in conjunction with the Asgard."

"Yes, yes they have adaptive capabilities," Radek said. "General, there is little else that can be done now. Asurans do not like Ancients, but tolerate us."

"They'll rebuild Atlantis and be the self-fashioned masters of their galaxy." Rodney shifted, tried to force himself to relax. There wouldn't be anyone to warn the Genii the next time a hive ship headed their way, and there wouldn't be anyone to warn the Athosians, either.

For all they - well, John, had woken the Wraith, they'd sure as hell saved more lives than would've been saved if they had woken to their normal cycle. They'd warned, evacuated, healed and fought Pegasus' battles as their own.

"So your assessment of the threat at the current time?" the general asked.

"At the current time, non-existent to negligible," Radek answered, pushing up his glasses in a nervous habit.

Not to them, not in their Galaxy. "I agreed with Doctor Zelenka."

"Very well." Landry nodded at them. "You are dismissed. I want to see Dr. Beckett next. "

There was just a slightly sour tone in his voice when he said Carson's name that Rodney was sure he wasn't imagining it.

Rodney was slower than Zelenka to stand up and he caught Landry's eye. Like a train wreck did, probably, because Rodney knew he was about as well liked in the SGC as the bubonic plague. "Doctor Beckett did fantastic genetic work while he was in Atlantis. You're wasting his talent by having him bandage up skinned knees."

"That, Dr. McKay, is the purview of Dr. Lam, not myself," General Landry said crisply. "The ATA treatment was exceptionally useful I would agree. Other projects have been less than successful."

Radek muttered under his breath. "Let us leave, Rodney. Carson will not be long I am sure."

"Wholesale DNA manipulation with retroviruses was less than successful? Never mind that he returned Sheppard to a human, never mind that the orders concerning the Wraith were sanctioned by you, you..." He bit back the snarl and turned to leave.

"Rodney..." Radek pulled him away. "We will be leaving now. Goodbye, General." He almost literally tugged him away out of the room and then hissed under his breath. "Not helping Carson, Rodney. You know what is like yes?"

"Some days I hate what we do. I hate the way this program is run and the pure bullshit that we never had to put up with in Pegasus." And maybe Carson was a Mengele to the SGC, circling around protocols because it wasn't as if Rodney was going to call him on it. And what, in their isolated world in Pegasus, had that made Rodney? Speer?

That headache of a thought was what he got for listening to his sister's antiprivitatization ravings with the History Channel on, while she was sucked deeper into the SGC with their bright smiles and promises of saving the world. As long as it was the ’right’ world.

"Things done for survival have price when you have survived," Radek said with a certainty that bespoke firsthand knowledge.

A Marine was already escorting Carson in as they came out and Carson was obviously trying to look like it didn't bother him but he knew better.

He knew better and he could wait for Carson to come out. "This is hysterical, but I just thought 'it's not fair'. And it's not. But..." Rodney shook his head. Life wasn't fair. It was miserable and he could usually shrug that off but it wasn't working just then. John was dead, there was a fifty-fifty chance that he was pregnant via a Genii rapist, there was more than a fifty-fifty chance that he'd probably have a child with some kind of bizarre previously unexpected gate-travel related birth defect, and...

"Where's Elizabeth?"

"Ah." Radek looked around frowning, catching sight of Elizabeth talking to Lorne where they had been sitting. "There, Rodney."

"Right." Rodney nodded a little and decided that making small talk would pass the time better than sitting and waiting and letting his mind spin. Up until then it had felt like a really long, stretched out leave period. It had been all right.

Now it was a case of realizing it was really never going back and having to live here and find a future back here on Earth. He was beginning to wonder if Elizabeth had just reached the reaction sooner than the rest of them.

"How did it go, Rodney?" Elizabeth asked.

"How are you, Dr. McKay?" Lorne asked politely.

Tired. He was tired and his feet were sore and just then he was feeling every week of the effects of the little living leech inside of him. Hopefully Elizabeth hadn't told Lorne anything in such a short amount of time. "It went as well as expected. At least they took the ZPMs before the morons nuked the place. That had to have been Caldwell's call."

"Yes, sir," Lorne replied with a hint of anger just showing for a moment in his schooled expression. "It'll help out here a lot. The defense outpost at Antarctica? can be operational and all those drones the SG teams have found over the years might be useful."

"Against the Ori, some help maybe," Radek said a little gloomily.

Rodney shifted his stance, trying to make his feet not hurt as much as his brain did. "Actually there was a bit of data I came across last week that we could use to increase their efficiency. We can approach Carter with this tomorrow, if you're willing to stay in town." He'd missed working with Radek.

"Yes, yes... now ZPM's, they will want me. You and I, more hands on experience than all other SGC, yes?" Radek said.

"Well, that is true, Rodney," Elizabeth said.

They had the most hands on experience, but stepping sideways to Carter was the best way to get what they wanted. "We'll see tomorrow."

"Area 51 most boring," Radek said morosely. "I find many scientists who are clones of Kavanagh. This disturbs me."

"I think that would disturb anyone," Elizabeth commented and smiled a little at him. "It would be nice for you to be in town as well."

Maybe nice for both of them and Rodney shook his head as he looked between them. "And working with me. Did I mention that part?"

"I am not sure if that is a for, or an against," Radek said, quirking a smile at him even as Elizabeth smiled.

"Radek..." Elizabeth warned.

"Please. I do not want to feed his ego more by saying I want to be working with him," Radek said, gesturing slightly.

"Oh, just confess. You've missed my brilliant scientific observations." Rodney threw Radek a grin, lifting his eyebrows at him.

"Yes, yes like a giant irritating hole in the head," Radek said flippantly. "Fortunately I am confirmed masochist - this could be good thing."

Lorne snorted. "Always thought there was something about you, Doc."

Rodney snorted, crossing his arms over his chest. "I always suspected."

"Of course. You know everything,"

It was all too easy to slip into the familiar banter with Radek and with it a strange sense that he had been missing something and hadn't realized until he found it again. He missed having friends close to him. Somehow in Atlantis he'd become used to the banter, the sparking off of each other and he missed Ronon and Teyla more than he believed possible. But here and now, he had at least found pieces of what he'd had in Atlantis back here on Earth and if he had to work with the SGC to keep that, he would.

* * *


	3. Duet 3

It felt a lot like cheating.

The funny thing was that it *wasn't* cheating, and he wasn't cheating on or with or for anything, but he was poking through an encrypted file from work on his laptop, hoping that Carson didn't walk up behind him.

He kept telling himself, he had a right to know about his medical file especially if he was going to die and they were keeping it from him. Carson had been evasive about some things and then just... incredibly caring and loving at home.

And that worried him. People weren't like that unless there was a terminal disease in a Hallmark special. He had a feeling he could pinpoint the strange behavior to some tests they'd done now that the baby was coming along to the point where he had more than a little pot belly going on.

But Carson would lie next to him and stroke softly over that swell and really, who did that? Seriously, who would genuinely do all of that unless they knew it wasn't forever. Whenever he asked about the tests or how he was doing, Carson would just tell him "fine" or "coming along nicely."

Which was vague soothing phrases and Rodney couldn't trust that. He needed to know. And he knew Carson was the sort to smile and calm when he needed to, because that was exactly what he'd done back on Hoff with Perna and oh, god, why did the SGC have to go for a bizarre 128 bit encryption that Rodney was only half sure he could --

Oh. Fantastic. He was in.

Meredith Rodney McKay...yes yes... what did they mean borderline hypoglycemic? There was nothing borderline about it, moderate citrus allergy. Moderate hah, they should try breathing through a 'moderate' attack. This was all old stuff. Oh, here was the section where Carson took over, he could tell from the way it was written.

It was a trip down memory lane, through the various injuries and infirmary visits he had made. And *apparently* there were doctors informal comments in pop-ups related to each case and all very interesting but not what he was here for.

Anomalous Pregnancy -- that'd be the one. He clicked on that link and started reading, finding the test results area and seeing the sort of information he'd been told. Ridiculous, that told him nothing. He hunted the screen and found a tagged doctors comment with Carson's ID over the fateful tests and popped it open.

 _~I took the liberty of re-examining the amnio test sample and a detailed analysis showed a high proportion of ATA indicators. Both genetic donors had to be ATA users, which should lead to the conclusion the genetic father was Colonel John Sheppard. As his genetic code was extensively used as a base for the ATA treatment in conjunction with my own, I was able to simulate a sequence and profile that proved conclusively that this conclusion is correct. Rodney does not want to know but there is no security risk present from a potential alien sire for this baby as my report to Dr. Lam indicates.~_

Dr. Lam knew and that just made Rodney grit his teeth, to be reminded that. She'd been so obnoxiously patronizing, and oh, god. It was John's. It was John's.

He was stunned by that revelation and the immense upsurge of emotion it brought with it. He wasn't sure what he would've done if Carson had declared Kolya the winner of that impromptu sperm race. But he was taken aback at the relief that swept over him as if he had been holding on to a burden somehow and it was suddenly gone.

It was John’s, and... Suddenly there was panic and a feeling of something precious but not knowing what to do and...

"Rodney? Are you home?"

"Uh, yes?" Jesus, what was he supposed to do now? Keep reading, but there was nothing else to read, that was the end of the file, but, why the, the petting and the...

"Did you have a good..." Carson stopped as he entered the room and headed to kiss him. "Wait wait, is that a medical file? Rodney? Those are encrypted medical files. What the hell are you doing?"

"I, uh." Should have closed the laptop suspiciously when Carson had come home, because at least he wouldn't have had to *explain*, exactly. "Look, I just had to know!"

Carson sat down next to him taking a deep breath. "Why don't you trust yourself? I mean, have I done something wrong that would make you think something was wrong with you? Do you feel there is something wrong with... with the baby or being here?"

Both? Neither? Rodney shifted, felt Carson's thigh press against his own, nice and familiar. That wasn't the problem. "No, no, nothing feels wrong, except that I'm *pregnant* and maybe it's just finally settled in. I don't know. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm not used to..." Rodney waved one hand vaguely. "Uh, Heightmeyer would call it positive attention. I usually save the world, and there's gratitude, and then nothing until my brain was needed again and you’ve just been... nice. Constantly. Consistently."

"Well, yes," Carson said with a hint of exasperation. "Because I love you."

He said it like it was the easiest thing in the world and was something solid and unshakeable and he didn't seem to understand that Rodney just didn't really know what to do with a love like that.

"I could shout a bit if that helps settle you down some," he said and he sounded at least half serious.

It was hard to not smile in the face of that and Rodney shifted, partially un-nerved and partially grateful.

"It might. So, uh. It's John's. And I know I don't have to ask but this isn't a problem for you?" And actions said it wasn't, because Carson had known and still came home at night and petted Rodney's belly.

"Of course not," Carson replied, shifting a little closer until he could feel the warmth of him. "John...John was a wonderful, special man and I cared about him a great deal. To be truthful, I wasn't expecting that a family would go my way in this lifetime so this is something amazing."

It was. It was tearing at Rodney's perceptions of himself and his carefully built facades but it was, really was a part of John in a way. Genetically, and it wasn't going to bring John Sheppard back, but... It was sort of fair that John left something behind, other than a pile of medals. "So, you'd hung your hat on the idea of it going your way next lifetime, huh?" Rodney lifted his eyebrows at Carson and shifted, sliding an arm behind Carson's back. That was the one thing a heavily pillowed sofa was good for. Maneuvering.

"It would be that or adopt but there are barriers to adoption for men who are.. .well, I'm not sure they count bisexual," Carson said and shrugged. "I just want everything to be good for you. You've lost so much and I don't want you losing anything else."

 

"We all lost John. It wasn't just me. We all lost the city." Rodney moved his fingers, pressed them against Carson's side, the fabric of his shirt sliding over his skin a little with every motion. "I need to get my will re-done."

"I hope this isn't because you still secretly think you're going to die," Carson said, turning towards him. "I don't think I would allow that."

"If you quote survival rates for pregnancies at me, you're going to burn whatever we're having for dinner, so I'll just skip that. But, no. Just something that needs to be done, given where we both work. By default, Jeannie would be given custody and I just need to consider the legalities." If he listed John as the father on the birth certificate, which would've been true, would John's family pursue a claim? Did John even have family left to speak of?

"Okay, I understand that. We have a high risk workplace." He looked at Rodney, frowning. "Maybe you should reconsider working there."

"Now we can have shouting," Rodney declared, turning to better look back at Carson, and pulling back a little. "Go on, I'm waiting for you to suggest where I should work?"

"I... I don't know. You don't necessarily have to work at all. Jeannie does consulting from home," Carson suggested. "She seems to manage well enough."

"I might have to, for a while. I'll cross that bridge when I get there." Decide what to do later. It wasn't as if giving months and months of notice to the SGC would do him any good.

"Well, you'll get maternity leave anyway," Carson said. "It is your decision, though, you know more about the day to day dangers you are exposed to at the SGC. Either that or you come clean and say you need to be in a safe zone."

He shifted and there was a sudden urge to try to wrestle Carson off of the sofa that just stopped Rodney for a moment, because as much as he enjoyed sitting there and talking, sometimes he missed doing things. "I want to put that off for at least another couple of weeks."

"You are starting to show a wee bit," Carson pointed out and smoothed his hand over the curve of his stomach. "People will notice. If they don't know they could order you to do something ridiculous."

Which was true, but… Rodney shifted, pressed slightly against Carson's hand. "Yes, but it's not just 'I'm pregnant' it's also 'I'm biologically female and pregnant' which I don't know if I want to deal with that today.”

Carson seemed to sense his mood and slipped his arms around him. "I understand. But Rodney, love? No more hacking files. If you want to know something, ask me. I swear upon my mother's life that I would never lie to you, even if it isn't good news."

"It's still good to know that I can hack files." Rodney shrugged then shifted and put his chin on Carson's shoulder for a moment. "Just as a cerebral exercise. I'll delete the file off my laptop."

"If there were other people's files there I really would be angry," Carson said mildly and he obviously didn't really believe there were others. His fingers rubbed at Rodney's back gently. "When someone is nice to you it doesn’t always mean they want something."

"But generally, they do. And by ‘they’, I'm not including you. Or my sister." Or John. Well, John was that suspiciously, overly nice in a comical way when he wanted something, but he and Rodney had usually bartered for coffee if it came to it.

"Jeannie is more hostile when she wants something. She reminds me of my brother Andrew. He'd just demand something be done as if he had all the right in the world to boss me around." Carson kissed his ear lightly then his neck.

Rodney exhaled, letting himself relax, even as he shifted to get more comfortable. "I'm going to have to meet your family."

”Aye, well not a problem there. I think my mother knew about my preferences before I did. I was a wee bit clueless." Carson it seemed saw nothing strange about carrying on a conversation while touching and kissing him gently. "She’d been waiting for me to bring home a partner for some time. She'd hate to be denied a wedding of any variety, however."

He smiled at Rodney then and his eyes were an amazing blue at that angle.

It was hard to not just stare at Carson's eyes. "Right, well, she's going to have to keep hating the denial of a wedding. I still want to meet her, though." Just because it had to be a step up from his and Jeannie's parents. "I'm sorry about the file. It wasn't really a reflection on you."

"I know, I think... I didn't understand what it has been like for you," he replied. "I forget sometimes, love is not always a gift to some people with no strings attached."

"Usually, it has strings attached." Rodney shifted, twisting until he was comfortable and if that was stretched out on his back with his head on Carson's lap and his feet up over the end of the sofa, so be it.

"In college, it was doing someone's homework. Or, best case scenario, I became involved with someone who then completely freaked out when they realized that I wasn't exactly what they were expecting." Even that could go two ways -- the freak show direction, or the disgusted and leaving quickly direction.

"Did that happen often?" Carson murmured settling to stroking fingers through his hair. "Is that why you were surprised at my reaction?"

"And still am on a regular basis," Rodney agreed. He folded his hands over his stomach, and let himself relax, the tight muscles at the base of his spine finally un-knotting. "I'm not good at emotional things, and you know that, but I really appreciate you. You mean a lot to me."

Carson smiled as if he had given him a special gift. "Thank you, Rodney." He exhaled a little. "What would you like for dinner? I can make that thing you like..."

"That thing I like. Very specific." Rodney opened his eyes, tipped his head back a little. "Only if I can help."

"You can if you tell me which of the things you declared were the best you've eaten that you actually want," Carson teased "That's the reason for the generalization."

"Tonight seems like a good night for spaghetti." That sauce Carson made and kept frozen for later use. It would be good and quick, and Rodney knew he could at least cook pasta.

"Spaghetti Bolognese, here we come," Carson said. "It won't take long, and we might even have some garlic bread if you want that."

"That sounds really good. I have to move, though, don't I?" The view was nice and the position was relaxing. He needed to delete that file off of his machine, too.

"We can wait a little," Carson said. "Or we can pick this up after food. Your choice."

And there it was, that mindfulness that had fuelled his paranoia.

Which was just stupid when he thought about it because Carson was enjoying it just as much as Rodney was. It was physical comfort for both of them, intimacy, a relationship. Rodney wasn't the only one benefiting and he needed to remind himself. It was a two way street. "Food first, then we can settle back down here."

"Sounds like a wonderful plan," Carson said and helped him sit up so he didn't strain anything. "Come and help grate some parmesan cheese while I work the microwave and defrost things and boil water."

Carson smiled as he headed into the kitchen and Rodney was aware that with someone else, maybe anyone else it would've ended up a huge argument, with a permanent rift and maybe another disaster to add to his collection. But though he'd been angry, Carson had put his feelings aside as unimportant.

They weren't unimportant.

But he was willing to pretend they were, long enough for Rodney to explain himself and apologize, and maybe that was why they were working as a relationship. Maybe. Rodney trailed Carson into the kitchen, reaching up to snag a pot for the spaghetti. Maybe it meant that things could last.

* * *

If it weren't for Rodney, Carson wasn't sure how he could cope with working at the SGC. Rodney used to tell him about his exile in Siberia and he'd commiserated but privately thought that it hadn't been a prison sentence. But he'd been wrong about the impact it could have, all those petty slights and comments. It wore him down and down. For a long time his work on the Asgard issue had been shelved in favor of organic replicator assessment. He managed to fit in a little here and there, suppositions and possibilities and Dr Lam had his reports and for all he knew threw them in the rubbish for all the attention she paid to them despite the fact he requested time and time again for her to data burst them to the Asgard.

He'd made a ’biological weapon’ and all those purists at the SGC didn't accept his distinction that no, he'd made a 'cure', and that was it. All past developments were ignored because the bio-weapon he had been ordered to use tarred him with the brush of being some sort of irresponsible genetic tinkerer.

But Rodney was here and when he was with him, he felt everything he had lost. Needed, wanted, incredibly lucky. Able to be strong and certain, for his sake. He loved to do what he was doing now - spend a long time touching him, massaging, kissing, sucking drawing pleasure through his skin until he made those wonderful noises he was making right now

The sex, now that Rodney felt comfortable with it, was fantastic. Rodney sometimes just relished in the attention and other times he pushed the point, rolled Carson onto his back and had his way with Carson. They experimented and Carson enjoyed that, too. Rodney preferred anal sex, liked certain touches, had sensitive nipples that were starting to almost inevitably fill out just a little. Rodney had bitched about how much that surgery had cost him, but Carson was fairly sure that the swelling of tissues would go back down after the baby was born.

"Carson, oh, fuck." Rodney clutched his fingers in Carson's hair, kneading restlessly.

"You love my mouth on you," he murmured and explored around those nipples with his tongue making them contract under his touch. "What are we wanting tonight?"

Sometimes the 'horny' stage of pregnancy hormones would get the better of Rodney and that was fun as well as he would lose all patience. Mind, he was at that sort of mildly homicidal stage of pregnancy and likely to stab Carson as much as fuck him so Carson had been particularly attentive and supportive recently.

"You." Rodney stroked a thumb over Carson's temple, smirking a little.

"Oh really?" Carson chuckled knowing his cock had to be pressing against Rodney. "Do you want me here?" and he fondled Rodney's penis.

He could only guess what it felt like for Rodney, though he'd asked before. Rodney closed his eyes, groaning when he rocked his hips up against Carson's fingers. "That's sort of non-descript. On my, oh, Jesus, that feels good."

From Rodney's descriptions it responded more like a clitoris than an actual penis but he liked the way it made Rodney drift until he was so ready for anything. "Perhaps you'd prefer me inside of you...or something inside of you." He offered as he pushed up and kissed Rodney's lips even as he lay there with his eyes closed.

"You. You, how can that even be a question," Rodney murmured that against Carson's mouth, leaned up and shifted, moving Carson to lay on his back. "How do you feel about blowjobs tonight?"

"Shall I check my calendar and see if the moon is in the right phase for them?" Carson smiled as he moved. "Oh, what do you know, it's the perfect time for them."

"Good." Rodney's mouth twitched as he got Carson on his back, leaning down to kiss Carson back. "I've wanted to do this all day. It was a pretty good daydream to get through my lunch hour."

"Well no wonder I spent all that time thinking pornographic thoughts," Carson answered and relaxed into the switch in attention and smiled at the way his belly brushed over his skin.

Rodney was comfortable with Carson paying attention to the curve of his belly, possibly more comfortable with it than he was himself. "If either of us did develop telepathy, we'd probably end up doing it on some bizarre wide-spectrum version and the base would be crippled with it," Rodney decided, kissing down the line of Carson's neck.

"Might loosen a few of them up." Carson grinned. "Oh God, Rodney... yes. I love you...just ..." He was very sensitive there. That nice line of muscle there and then to his clavicle, hands rubbing slowly over Carson's shoulders as part of the long, drawn out prelude to eventually sucking Carson off.

Carson closed his eyes, smiling and anticipated the heat and warmth of Rodney's mouth and…

There was a dizzying sensation and a rush of cold and a distinct absence of the weight over his body.

His first thought was someone had taken Rodney, abducted him, and as his eyes flew open he realized that astonishingly nothing could be further from the truth.

There was a cold floor beneath his back, and the ceiling and walls around him were sparse, curved in a pattern that some part of his brain told him was *familiar*. It was *familiar*, and he wasn't sure why until he sat up and began to look around the room.'

It took a moment but he had a few brain cells to rub together. Fuck. "Bloody hell, this is an Asgard ship!" And he was naked. But this didn't make sense. Why would the Asgard beam him up? "Hello? Hello, I think this is a mistake... a big mistake."

If they were beaming anyone up, it was Rodney, and Rodney was probably down there cussing up a storm because Carson had disappeared in the middle of sex. He might have seen or heard the sound of the transportation, though, which would've given him a clue as to what was going on. Maybe.

"It is no mistake, Doctor Beckett."

"Listen, lad, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here because I'm pretty sure taking someone from their bed was something forbidden by the Asgard High Council. I did read the reports on Loki's misbehavior," Carson said, looking for the source of the voice. It sounded like Thor but he was hoping Thor wasn't involved in this.

"Loki's misbehavior was on his own head," the Asgard regarding him calmly said. Apparently nudity wasn't a problem for them. "I am Heimdall. I have recently read reports of your genetic theories, Doctor Beckett."

"My reports?" He grimaced at that. Last thing he needed was the censure of the Asgard as well as the SGC. Unless he meant the starters he had begun on the clone fading issue which had been met with a resounding lack of interest from Dr Lam.

"Your reports on my people's genetic state. I have been sanctioned by the council to do what was needed to restore us, if the capabilities existed. Our allies in the SGC seem to have deemed your work irrelevant, but they are not inhabiting bodies that are rapidly decaying. There are those among the Asgard who think themselves above cooperation with the Tau'ri, but I am not one of them. A fresh perspective from a younger race is what my research needs." The skinny, awkwardly shaped grey body seemed at ease in the room, which was more than Carson could say. "We need your help."

"Not that I am not willing to help, but firstly, I was... in the middle of something when you beamed me up and secondly, I'm sure we can arrange working time with the SGC but I need to get back." Seeing himself reflected naked in Heimdall's large black eyes wasn't helping either.

"Doctor Lam dismissed your work as the unscientific ravings of a madman. I was less than pleased with their response to my inquiries." Well, that was a good deal more than Hermiod had ever said and it stung to hear an alien confirming his most self-pitying thoughts that he had tried to talk himself out of believing, but... "We wish to work with you. Now."

"I want to work with you but I have a partner." Rodney was more than that to him. "He needs me. I can't be away from him. Please, I will do your research, just let me back to him? You can't... you can't DO this! You can't just steal people, you can't take me when Rodney needs me!"

They had done it though and it was happening regardless.

"Dr. Beckett. This is our last attempt and an agreed clause in our treaties with the Tau’ri. Even now the High Council are voting to see if the entire Asgard race should end our existence rather than die painfully." Heimdall tilted his head. "If you do not succeed then you will truly have contributed to a genocide."

Carson blinked, almost in shock at the impact of those calm words. They were making him responsible for the suicide of an entire species if he didn't manage this? How long had they been working on this problem and failed?

"Your research is our last hope, Doctor Beckett." Heimdall said it emphatically, still looking at Carson with those big glassy ebony eyes.

They weren't going to listen to diplomatic concerns if they were that desperate. He just hoped to hell that they at least told someone they had taken him because if he knew Rodney he would tear the place apart to find him. He sighed a little feeling he had no choice to capitulate. It was difficult to even contemplate running from a species that could pluck you out of your own bed at any second. "Well I may not have much choice, but I would at least like to have some clothes please."

And he’d better get started right away because the sooner he solved the problem, the sooner he would be back at home. He didn't want to think about the possibility that he couldn't solve it, because he might never see Earth again.

"It will be taken care of. Please follow me. You can retrieve clothing on the way to the lab."

He was still going to be angry, he knew that even as he followed Heimdall. He was going to be biting back rage for a long time and maybe someone else, John or Ronon or even Rodney would've refused to cooperate in defiance but he wasn't that type of person. He couldn't bargain against suffering. All he could hope for was that he could solve this quickly if at all, otherwise if he did get home too late there might not be any point in going back at all.

* * *

Sometimes he had to keep his mental monologue down. Sometimes he had to just let it simmer in the background, because outrage could occasionally swallow words and Rodney was right there just then. He'd shaken off the shock, he'd composed himself, possibly punched the void in the bed a few times, gotten dressed and gotten in his car. Calling the SGC wouldn't do -- not without a secure line on hand -- so he needed to have that talk immediately, because some part of the project had waltzed off with Carson.

They couldn't do that, they just couldn't do that! That was Asgard beaming technology which could mean the Daedalus, or Apollo. Or the Asgard. But what was it all about?

Why? Was there a sudden plague? They tended to warn people before they beamed them up, unless they were in a certain death situation, which Rodney didn't think was the problem. He pressed his foot down on the gas pedal, fishing for his ID card as he coasted up to the gate. Oh yes, he was owed some answers.

He was let in with that normal impassive stare that the Marines focused on him and he was in the SGC and he was going to kick everyone out of bed to get answers. Best to go right to the top.

He rode the elevator down to the gate levels and started looking for General Landry or Jackson, Sam or O'Neill. Anyone would do.

Anyone who might have half a damn idea what was going on. He'd take it out of anyone he had to, if it just meant he got an answer, and even at 9 at night, someone was going to be there, rattling around. It was just a matter of finding them and not immediately strangling them.

"Rodney?" Sam spotted him heading into the lab area. "It's the middle of the night - what's going on?"

"I could ask you that, since you're still here," Rodney snapped. "An Asgard transport beam took Carson tonight."

"...what?" Sam looked startled. "Took Carson? Why? Where were you? I've been in the lab most of the night working on the simulations you and Radek started off."

Either she was a good actress or she genuinely didn't know anything about it.

"At home. We were at home and he was there one minute and up in a beam the next and gone. So, what's going on? Has the Daedalus gone rogue or have you all completely lost control of what's going on around here?" Probably the latter. For all he knew the Russians had control of one of the ships.

"I don't know. Let's see what came up on the scans and talk to Jack. He's around here somewhere," Sam replied as she led the way to the control room. "Have a look at those read outs over there. When was the time frame?"

"Eight, it was eight fifty six." He'd looked at the alarm clock during his hurry to grab clothes. "I came straight here." And now he was tagging along after her.

"Okay." She looked intently at the readouts. "We have an energy spike then consistent with transport - just trying to get point of origin." There was some fast typing and Rodney recognized the sort of skills he had honed under pressure in the field. "There, that's not one of ours. The relative positions of the Daedalus and Apollo are here and here..."

"Then what the hell is going on?" It couldn't have been the Asgard. They didn't do that, and there was no reason for them to waltz off with Carson.

"I don't know," Sam said, looking at him sympathetically. "Let's talk to Jack." And she was off again, obviously disturbed for a different reason. Probably the whole military thing but if it were the Trust or the NID or any of that then surely, false modesty aside, they would've beamed him up not Carson.

In terms of sheer number of state secrets, Rodney had more. Not that he wanted to be kidnapped naked and in the middle of sex but he was useless just then, following after Sam.

At least it meant there were no tedious waits while marines blocked his way to the Generals office. Sam had the equivalent of a free pass. She knocked on the door and went in, since it was partially open anyway. "Jack? You busy?"

Who cared if he was? This was important!

"Well, y'know... Not so much," Jack drawled in a way that reminded him all too much of John.

Obnoxiously like John and Rodney kept his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned in behind Sam. "An Asgard transporter took off with Doctor Beckett."

"Ah." Jack leaned back a little. "That might explain the message canister that just beamed on to my desk here."

"Ransom note, sir?" Sam asked more formal now there was a 'situation'

"Looks like it's Asgard. If it's Loki again, we don't need clones of Dr. Beckett, now do we? Bad enough with what Cam calls my 'mini-me' running around without more of them."

Rodney snapped his fingers. "Give me that. Hand it over now. I can either run it through a translator or you can wake up Doctor Jackson right now."

"Translate away, Dr. McKay," Jack said passing it over. "I'm not sure if Daniel is here or not. " He tapped his radio to what had to be a private frequency and said "Daniel? Got a translating thing here for you. In my office. If you're here . And awake."

 

Apparently he was because Jack raised his eyebrows as a result of the reply. "He's coming."

It didn't stop Rodney from staring at the paper for a moment before setting it back down. "Good, fine. What do you people do about Asgard-arranged kidnappings?"

"Usually we call Thor and let him whoop ass," O'Neill replied laconically even as Daniel Jackson entered the room.

"What is it, Jack... oh. Asgard." Without waiting he snatched the message from Rodney and peered at it.

"Great. I'd get going on that." Rodney shifted, nervous under the bright florescent lights with nowhere to go. "Because one minute he was there and the next he was gone.”

"Well, I never did get Thor to admit whether they did actual abductions," O'Neill said. "Got anything Daniel?"

"Yes, yes hold on..." Daniel frowned a little. "Loosely translated it boils down to ‘We have taken one of your personnel under Section 32 clause 3 of the Asgard-Tau’ri agreement. Uh, they promise that he will be treated well and returned when their issue is resolved."

"Okay, that's not good. I think," Jack said looking at Daniel for further explanation.

"It's what you call the 'we're up shit creek' clause, Jack."

"Are you two willing to let me in on the conversation, or is this an exclusive matter?" Rodney refolded his arms over his chest, staring at Daniel.

Jack gestured to Daniel who fiddled with his glasses a moment. "Ah, well. We made an agreement with the Asgard in exchange for Asgard representatives like… um, Hermiod working closely with us, that in certain circumstances they can demand human assistance."

"Like that thing with the Replicators," Jack replied. "We would've done it anyway, but the Asgard high council is big on oaths and things being nailed down."

"They have some sort of crisis and they've taken Dr. Beckett to deal with it." Daniel frowned a little. "It is usual to ask of course but sometimes circumstances mean things happen without warning."

"So they just lifted him, no warning at all and it's okay that it just 'happens'? When will they return him?" Rodney needed him, wanted him home.

"When the problem is fixed," Jack said. "And no it's not 'okay' but it is allowable. It's a compromise and it's only meant to be used in extreme situations. Like something that threatens the whole race or the galaxy."

“So you are perfectly happy about this?” Rodney knew he sounded even more acid than usual.

"Dr. McKay. Look, I'm not saying I approve, and I'm pretty good at letting people know I'm not happy," O'Neill said.

"The fact is, they are not breaking the fact of an agreement even if they are the spirit of the agreement," Daniel put in. "They must be really in extreme straits to even think about it. There might have even been some degree of fractionalization going on."

Rogue Asgard, yes, that was just what the universe needed. Rodney looked at them all and then turned to leave. "Fantastic. Look, just continue justifying it at each other, because I'm not particularly interested and I can tell you're not actually invested in treating the remnants of the Atlantis mission as anything other than Star Trek style redshirts. Let's see what you'd be doing right now if they'd taken Doctor Lam."

"I'd be doing exactly the same as I'm going to be doing for Beckett," O'Neill said, narrowing his eyes a bit. "And hey, all of you work for the SGC. We don't play favorites. We've been in an out of that loop ourselves a few times."

"Look, Rodney, why don't we go see if we can find out any more about the point of origin?" Sam offered. "We could do some simulations."

Which would tell them roughly where the Asgard ship had ’been’ but not where it was going because they were omnidirectional and didn't have the momentum issue that human-ships tended to be plagued with, what with Newton's first law still holding them firmly in its clutches. "Fine." And he did leave, heading for the lab.

He was sure that they were rolling their eyes at him, wondering why the hell he was so personally wound up about all of this and he would've thought that the fact that Carson was obviously his partner now would've told them that. Or maybe it wasn't obvious. Maybe they had accidentally concealed that as well as his pregnancy.

Sam was following on behind him and shut the door behind them both.

"You know, Rodney, I'm sure they'll straighten this out in a couple of days," she said. "Jack has a thing about people being forced to do things against their will."

"I'm sure he does. I hope it gets straightened out in a couple of days." Rodney sat down heavily, logging into the nearest computer terminal.

"Are you okay?" Sam asked, apparently sharing his ability to work and talk at the same time. "You... well, you started looking a bit pale in there. Not well. I thought I might have to stop you passing out or something."

Sometimes Rodney really wished that Sam couldn’t multitask. "No, I'm not okay. I'm pissed off, and I'm tired."

"I've seen you pissed off. You don't usually go white as a sheet," Sam said, glancing sideways at him. "Maybe you should go to the Infirmary after this."

If he went to the Infirmary he might just say something to Dr. Lam that he might regret if he needed her as a doctor. Sometimes waiting for the computer to log in took forever and he couldn't even feign being busy just yet, not while it loaded heavy security protocols. "I'd rather not."

"Carson wouldn't forgive us if something happened to you while he wasn't here," she said. "So, you tell me if you need something okay? You two are together, yes?"

Just the conversation he didn't want to be having. Rodney stared at the screen, willing for it to come up faster. "Yes, I'd assumed that was obvious by now but I'm never sure what's obvious around here and what isn't."

"Well, I'm pretty sure most of them are so good at turning a blind eye that it doesn't register," Sam answered with a smile. "That's probably why you're so shocky."

That and one minute he'd been having sex with Carson, and the next, nothing, just air and the sensation and sound and sight of the transporter, a lot more deft with it than the Daedalus would've been. "Right. Probably." He didn't want to talk about it. He knew he'd have to tell her what was going on *sometime*, but as the longer he could put it off, the better.

She looked at him again as if there was something in his tone. "Right. Maybe you should take a few days off or something?"

So he could sit in Carson’s home and wonder where the hell he was instead of doing it at work. "I'd rather save my leave for when I need to take it. At least I'll feel more useful here than I would waiting for news."

"As long as you’re sure," Sam replied and then called up the information on her screen. "Right, let’s break this down."

Break it down so that they could pour over data that would lead them no-where, but it would at least give him some sense of accomplishment, even that late at night. The sooner Carson got back or at least into contact with them all, the better Rodney would feel. He couldn't lose Carson, too.

* * *

The Asgard who'd taken Carson was, apparently, unwilling to allow him to communicate for fear it would compromise their work or somehow lead to their enemies discovering where they were.

Carter had been eyeing him like he was going to pass out, when that was the damn farthest thing from his mind. Rodney had wanted to yell, protest, punch a wall, anything but be left helpless against the knowledge that Roswell greys had taken Carson into the depths of space and would return him when they could be bothered. He'd snuck off to his office, small as it was, and locked the door so he could call his sister because that day wasn't going to get any better.

All of a sudden he was faced with, well naturally concern for Carson but in effect he knew they wouldn't mistreat him, but also this horrifying dawning realization that he was pregnant and alone.

Somehow with Carson there explaining in soft brogue why this happened, or that and no it wasn't unusual to feel tired an hour or so after getting up at certain stages, being pregnant hadn't been as traumatic as he had imagined. He was with someone who practically exuded confidence and that it was a wonderful thing that was happening.

And with Carson there, it felt like it was a wonderful thing, because Carson was helping Rodney pick up the pieces and cope. There was nothing wrong going on and it felt like it could work, that Rodney could handle it if Carson was there and while Rodney had never been big at needing anyone, he... did. He needed Carson to poke him with either a hand or the odd sharp word to get him moving when his mind caught on the personal aspects of it. Carson had made just... glossing over those problem areas so much easier.

Now he wasn't there, wasn't going to be there for god only knew how long, it was him, the truth laid bare and the terrifying thought there was no one to help - aside from Jeannie who he had only just reconnected with. And she had her own family, her own priorities and...

Why was he even bothering to call again?

Rodney thumbed the phone off before it had rung more than once and he put his head down in the desk. He'd taken out a solar system. He'd been banished to another country for pissing off SG-1. He'd pulled more last minute save the day moments out of his ass than most scientists ever daydreamed about. A little rape and gender challenging circumstances shouldn't have been the problem it was creating in the back of his mind. He should have been stronger than that, more together.

There were worlds out there that owed him big time and he still had no one. Suddenly and rather desperately he wished he had stayed in Pegasus because Teyla would've sorted things out. Even Ronon would've stood beside him. In Atlantis, they would've clustered around him, delighted and protective and probably pissed off, but still, and he missed it all stuck here underground in the SGC.

Elizabeth...Elizabeth might help. Radek possibly, at least he could stand him. He just didn't want to be alone.

Jeannie would kill him if he went to someone else first before her. He picked the phone up again, dialed and waited for the ringing to slide into the voice of another human being. Hopefully the SGC as a whole had the good sense to leave him alone for a while.

"Jeannie Miller." Her voice was abrupt and sharp and he wondered if he sounded like that, almost as if he was being interrupted all the time.

He probably did.

"Jeannie, it's Rodney." And it was the middle of the day, so she had to know that something was up.

"...two phone calls in a year. Not sure if I can cope," she said and then added. "Wait, what's the deal? You're at work. You’d never call from work. Has something happened? To the baby? "

"I really prefer email," Rodney murmured into the phone, still hunched over his desk. "Work's walked off with Carson. Literally. He'll be back when they're done with him."

"Walked off with him? For how long? " Jeannie sounded horrified. "Don't they know that he's your partner and you need him to help with the pregnancy?"

"I shouldn't need him, first of all, but it's been four days now and I never told them about the pregnancy. I've been putting it off." It was to the point that he was going to have to say something and he still didn't know how to go about it. "I miss him and this is miserable."

"Jesus, Mer, you need to tell them," Jeannie said immediately. "Because otherwise they'll do something stupid like rush you into one of these jobs that could be really dangerous and you won't say no. Well, you will but they won't listen."

"They've been really good about not listening lately," Rodney agreed. "If they don't give Carson back in the next couple of weeks, do you think I'll still be held responsible for my actions?"

"Look..." Jeannie hesitated. "How far along are you? We need to figure this out. I could come on down but if it is a long time Carson might be away for then we need to plan."

"I'm thinking that it's probably going to be a long time. Just. Knowing what I know about the group involved. If this was going to be a short trip, he would have been back already. Probably a month or two." At the most, Rodney hoped. "Five months next week."

"Okay. Well, I can come up and stay with you with Maddie for a while. The place is big enough and I know Kaleb’s going to be busy soon at work. He can fly up if he needs to. Or didn't you want company?"

"Give it a few weeks. I, I should be fine. Just fine. If he's still gone in a few weeks, maybe then. I don't know. I hadn't thought about doing this alone. I haven't even lived alone in years or not in a base compound."

"Maybe you could get Radek? Didn't you say he was moving up from Area 51? He might like somewhere to stay for a while. Or..." Jeannie was thinking. "Or Elizabeth? You said she couldn't have kids and might be interested in helping out? She could use something to focus on. How about uh...no, possibly not a good idea."

"Elizabeth knows. Radek, not yet, and who's not a good idea?" He was going to have to out himself as pregnant ASAP which meant that if Carson came back that night, he was going to be angry with no rational way to tell Carson why.

"That Lorne guy or that botanist you liked," Jeannie answered. "Tell that Sam Carter that you're pregnant. She'll assume you're not interested any more in her and I think things might change between you. She could be one of your greatest helpers."

"Right. And yeah, Lorne, Lorne... He's a good leader and I'd trust him in a firefight but no. Katie would spend the whole time muttering 'that explains everything!' She's very sweet, but no." Rodney sighed, still looking down at his desk. "I'll tell Sam."

 

"You know Carson will be back as soon as he can. He's probably cursing them out in a very polite way right about now," Jeannie reassured him.

"I don't think our Roswell greys will be particularly moved by that. Actually, I'm going to hang up now and tell Sam before I lose my nerve but I'll call you back later. After work. Or email. I hope your day goes better than mine."

"Okay, Mer, let me know how it goes." And he hung up and then had to think about how he was going to persuade Sam he wasn't lying or had lost it completely.

Or both at the same time. Rodney supposed that it involved Doctor Lam, worst case scenario. Rodney sat back in his chair and let his hand idle over the vague shape of proof of the creature that was causing him all of that trouble. The night before he'd felt another of those flutters that Carson had called 'quickening', which had only made Rodney think of Highlander.

It was the strangest feeling ever and he wanted it to be Carson's fingers and warm hands resting on his belly as if it were a precious treasure. Maybe, maybe if they told the Asgard they had taken the partner of someone expecting a child they would reconsider.

Probably not. But. Rodney closed his eyes and decided that it was now or never and he needed to get to it. He stood up, pocketing his cell phone and moved to leave his office in search of Sam.

She wasn't that hard to find if SG-1 wasn't off world. She had one of the best lab spaces in the complex and usually people didn't bother her if she was working on something - except maybe Jack, or Daniel or even Vala and Mitchell. It was his first port of call and it had been a good choice.

Sam was already there, studying her computer screen intently. "Sam. Can I talk with you for a few minutes?" Not, was he interrupting something, because it didn't seem like he was. Nothing other than her concentration.

She looked up a bit surprise and then said "Sure. What is it, Rodney?"

He was pretty sure that she was expecting problems.

"I'm loathe to actually do this, but I need to tell you about a personal problem." He was waiting for her to jump up with a punch line while he closed the door behind him because that was the usual pattern. "And it's going to affect my ability to work for a while."

"Right." She tilted her head a little as if expecting to be humoring him. Or maybe she assumed it was to do with Carson. "Go ahead, Rodney."

"Right. I was born with a genetic problem. I was born female, actually." And he didn't need to justify himself to her. "And, due to the events of the mission where Colonel Sheppard was killed, I'm pregnant. Almost 5 months along, now."

For one gratifying moment he knew that he had finally said something that SG-1 couldn't say, 'Oh hey you know, just like that time on MX-3384 where we had to become pregnant to save the world!’ That would've definitely leaked out and Sam wouldn't be looking at him like that.

"You're *pregnant?*?”

"Right. Pregnant. Not junk food weight," Rodney confirmed.

Her eyes flickered to his stomach and he could feel her linger on the now subtle shape of it. She had been a member of SGC long enough that she didn't react with 'don't be ridiculous’ but instead managed. "Who else knows? I mean..."

"Carson. Doctor Lam. Elizabeth. My sister and her family," Rodney was keeping it short, quick worded.

Sam nodded and he knew she was going to be double checking with Dr Lam about everything he had said. "Okay, we have procedures for potential pregnancies. We can keep it discreet. I'll discuss it with General Landry. Uh, you'll have to talk to someone from personnel though."

"Oh, right." Personnel were the most obnoxious, form laden people but he could brave that while things were still quiet. "I'll do that later today."

She smiled at him as if she was now totally fine with the whole revelation. "I think I can see a bit more why you were so upset when they took Carson."

Because apparently no interpersonal relationship mattered if there weren't children involved to validate it and that was amazingly frustrating right there but Rodney wasn't going to say anything. "I have no idea how to respond to that, Carter. Look, is there anything else, or...?"

"No, no. I'll set a few things rolling for you, Rodney," Sam answered, obviously wondering what she had said to irritate him. "If you need anything, you just let me know okay?"

"I'll keep that in mind," Rodney told her, turning to leave. There was no explaining it.

* * *

Asgard facilities were not designed for humans; Carson was just grateful that they had a tendency to go for huge, impressive ceilings but in terms of a thousand and one amenities humans used, they just didn't exist. Basic things like beds were different and bathroom facilities were humiliating and somewhat uncomfortable. But he was trying really hard to ignore that.

It just wasn't working very well. The work was painstaking, mapping as simulations each possible outcome, with the knowledge that he couldn't test on an Asgard without knowing how effective it would be. There was no sunlight, no change of scenery and nothing to differentiate between day and night other than what was left of his body clock. He wasn't even sure how much time had passed.

He was pretty sure that prisoners got better treatment than this. Yes, he had the best lab in the galaxy and things he would've drooled over in Atlantis but he was facing a task that had been defeating an advanced race for thousands of years. The Asgard had been peers of the Ancients and yet somehow they were turning to him for answers. Why not a lab full of human geneticists? Why not all the other people in the world or galaxy he knew to be smarter than he was? He was aware enough that he had lost perspective on what he was doing, trying to replicate some of his retrovirus work and blend it with ATA therapy principals.

Rodney had been a bit up and down on the best of days that Carson had been there. Sometimes it was obvious that perhaps Rodney had wondered if he should have aborted the fetus inside of him. Rodney wondered if he'd be a good parent, he got paranoid about Carson caring for him. It was all directly traceable to past events but Carson couldn't be sure how Rodney was.

It was driving him insane. He begged Heimdall to let him send a message or get one sent to him. Apparently though, there was no way to do that securely until the High Council came out of session because this location was so secure only communications could be passed through them - who were incidentally deciding whether they should all commit mass suicide. Just fucking great. Any moment now Heimdall would be along to ask the same questions he always asked and effectively deflate any illusion of progress he thought he'd made. He hadn't made any. He was grasping at straws, hitting brick walls, and unable to function in that kind of situation much longer. It was sensory deprivation, pure and simple, and he needed the ability to stare at the sky and get his head together in a little rest.

"Dr Beckett," Heimdall said, appearing at the door to his lab. "I have come to see how you are progressing."

Carson looked over at him, now easily seeing the differences between the various Asgard. "Aye, well could be better," he said. "There has been some but I need to clear my head."

"Then clear your head," Heimdall told him, as if it were that simple.

"No, no, I need somewhere different to look at. The sky, the stars. Something fresh," Carson answered. "We need variety. And... I would be able to concentrate so much better if I knew how Rodney was. Even, even if I can't talk to him, I just need to know if he is really fine and okay."

"I am sure that he is well," Heimdall commented blandly. "What variety do you require?"

"Can I go outside? Just for a bit?" Carson asked. "Is there any music I can listen to when I am reading reports? I find it relaxes me sufficiently. Am I able to go for a walk?"

"There is no outside to go to," Heimdall pointed out, frowning at him. "We are in a closed location for the security of the research material we are studying."

Carson groaned a little. "What do you do when you are not working?" he asked hopefully

"I recuperate my body." Sonuvabitch. Carson suppressed the urge to groan again. "We are aware of your people's needs for wasteful distractions."

"Then could I have some of them?" Carson asked, practically pleading. Otherwise he was going to go insane. Seriously completely bloody insane. He could focus for days at a time, intense bursts of concentration that could see him through life and death, but not for weeks on end. Not even on Atlantis. There had been goofing off, watching a movie in the rec room, half numb with weariness. There had been meeting people for meals, having dinner, walking on the pier. Even in Antarctica there had been something. Asgard food, all appropriately synthesized for nutrition, did nothing for him.

He wanted, most miserable of all, to go to bed with Rodney, curl up behind him, sleep late until the bedding was overheated and the radio on the alarm clock had gone off to some obnoxious tune that grew progressively louder until Rodney started trying to knock it off of the bedside stand with balled up socks.

He wanted to rest a hand on Rodney's stomach and feel a miracle happening under his fingertips. He wanted to privately be happy that a piece of John had survived because John should never be forgotten. "Please, there must be something relaxing. A game, something. It stops the mind from becoming dull and stuck in the same rut."

"And that is what is occurring with you?" Heimdall looked skeptical at him, but Carson tried to will him to understand. It wasn't going to work. "Your research had been progressively closer to a cure."

"Yes, but at this rate, it will take me years to get there," Carson said. "If at all. I only have... 3 more months."

"Three more months until what occurs?" It sounded so stiff, so still. Until Rodney had to deal with a whole new set of issues all by himself.

"My partner, uh... lover is pregnant. He is due to give birth then. I have to be back by then if not before," Carson explained, hearing a note of pleading in his voice. "Please, Heimdall, you have to understand!"

But they didn't and that was the whole point. They didn't understand that need to be there.

The Asgard tilted its head, peered hard at him and looked at a loss. "It is ironic that our rise above sexual reproduction is what has caused my people such problems. Please continue in your research and I will see what I can find by way of distraction."

Right now even a ball might help. He'd never thought of himself as the type of person that needed a lot of upkeep but apparently this was high maintenance for an Asgard. "Thank you," he replied and exhaled. Back to trying to get a stable retrovirus that wouldn't regress an Asgard back to primordial goo.

If that happened, he didn't want to think about what they might do to him.

* * *

Now that he was visibly, obviously pregnant with the weight riding high, Rodney had been tempted to buy a cheap blond wig and just pass himself off as a really ugly woman. A genetic female who was actually living as male, trying to pass as a normal sort of woman. It was no wonder that Rodney had a headache and that grocery shopping was a maddening task. He had Carson's cookbooks and the routine of foods there but he had weird cravings for salt and sugar all mixed up together and he hadn't yet found savory chocolate bars which would have just fixed the problem.

Someone, he felt, should've invented some and he could manage that at least, even if Jeannie seemed to think he was incapable. She was currently trying to take over his grocery shopping as Maddie stayed behind with Kaleb.

"Mer, you need more fruit than that. You'll get scurvy," Jeannie announced.

"Technically, wasn't scurvy warded off by the very fruits that could kill me?" Rodney cocked an eyebrow at her. "I have bananas and apples. This is fruit."

"Try a little more variety," Jeannie insisted. "Vitamin C is in other things you know. Are you taking your supplements? You should be taking supplements and folic acid. And avoiding blue cheese. You have read up on this haven't you?"

Rodney groaned, wrapping his fingers tightly around the handle of the shopping cart. "Yes, yes. I've read. Yes, I'm still drinking coffee, but I did cut back."

"Well I'd be a hypocrite to call you on that one," Jeannie answered. "This stuff is good for stretch marks. Now, have you organized getting a nanny yet?"

"A what?" Rodney stopped in the aisle, craning his had to stare at her.

"Someone to look after the baby?" Jeannie was looking at him as if it were obvious. "You're on your own, if I hadn't had Kaleb there with Maddie I would've gone mad. I got no sleep for months as it was. You'll need someone there... so a nanny."

"No, no, absolutely not. First of all, I make good money but no, it isn't that good. It's not good enough that I can afford to pay some stranger to neglect my child and eat bonbons all day. No, that's just not an option."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mer," Jeannie replied. "I know what you earn and you certainly have savings enough to pay for it. I know we can pick out a good one between us. They are qualified and trained. There are times when you’ll really feel you could use that."

"No!" Rodney snapped, staring hard at his sister. "I like my personal space to stay just that -- personal. I don't want some stranger around my computers. I'm trying to get it worked out so I can telecommute."

"So you're going to be getting up all day and all night on your own?" Jeannie asked, putting her hands on her hips. "Going out getting groceries with baby in tow? Do you know how hard that can be? All that and work too?"

"And yet, I'm still not going to get a nanny." Rodney knew he sounded snappish and started to push the cart forwards again. "I could get groceries delivered if it's that miserable an experience."

"Look, I know I said I will help, Mer, but I can't stay up here for their entire childhood," Jeannie snapped back. "I don't want you getting to the point where you would do anything to get sleep or try and drive to the store on two hours sleep in two days."

Rodney rubbed at his forehead and grabbed a box of oatmeal from a shelf. "Look, I've rigged bombs on two hours sleep in as many days."

"A baby is not a bomb, Mer," Jeannie said darkly. "Fine, fine - when you reach the point where you would be willing to have a stranger off the street mind your baby just so you can sleep, don't say I didn't warn you." She hesitated a moment. "And Carson... well, how long have they* been working on the problem?"

"Longer than either of us have been alive." Rodney rolled his shoulders, scanning the shelves. "But he'll be back any day now."

Jeannie went quiet for a moment. "Mer, what are the odds on him solving the problem in a few months that they haven't solved in years? Lots of years."

"He doesn't have the insane moral structures they have to deal with. When you're willing to try anything and there are no guidelines to what you can and can't get done, you can accomplish a lot more." He knew that; as a rule the military had left him alone to develop anything he wanted.

"I'm just saying if he doesn't make it back when you want, it won't because he doesn't want to be there," Jeannie said. "But it might happen like that. Carson might not be there."

"Look, I know that." Better than she did but Rodney clung to hope like a damn life raft. "I'll wait a few months before I make any decisions. If he's... not coming back, I'm still a Canadian citizen. I'll probably move up by you."

Jeannie seemed to relax. "Okay, that'll work," she said. "In a few months you'll nearly be giving birth though. Cutting it fine." It appeared that half of Jeannie's stress was about her inability to help from a long distance away.

"Yeah, well. I can afford to cut it close. It's going to depend on what I do or don't hear." He shrugged, and gave Jeannie a vague glare. "What else did we need to pick up? My feet are killing me."

"I think we've got enough. When we get back I'm going to teach you how to make quick craving snacks.," Jeannie said. "What craving are we on at the moment? Sweet and salt? Popcorn to dip in chocolate is good." She smiled at him "Sometimes you've just got to do it."

"Popcorn in chocolate, huh?" Rodney decided that he could give that a try. It was better than talking about everything else that was going wrong.

* * *

Heimdall's attempts at providing distraction were strange and bizarre. They involved him bringing in pictures of Asgard culture and historical tales which were at least something. A lot of it was apparently in Ancient runes and had to be translated which was just enough to make it interesting. He tried to engage Heimdall in conversation more, surprised at how rusty his voice was getting, so he started singing to himself as he worked, anything and everything he could think of. The fact remained though he could tell he was not doing very well. He had blinding headaches, depression, palpitations, exhaustion, shaking, low grade fevers... in short all the symptoms that could be expected from cranking the stress up and anxiety high and not allowing any form of release.

Time had passed by and his anxiety and stress compounded over and over. The Asgard were putting limits on time as well, his mental deadline was twitching at him and he hadn't resolved the bloody problem. He had a vague grasping understanding but there was the problem that if he regressed the Asgard back, the gene pool still wasn't diverse enough to survive. He needed to regress them, get in their capacity for ascension and create unique genetic profiles out of clone copies.

The problem was how he diversified the gene pool. That was the crux and if he just could regress them, perhaps, and then go home...

Asgard sexuality was crazy and sometimes he wondered if Heimdall was actually sure what happened in Asgard sex as it didn't seem that the Asgard had been doing it for a long time. They had also apparently degenerated the genetic evolution to ascension as well. Clipped their own wings.

Right so, he had four sexes to cope with. Male equivalent, female equivalent, gender neutral and hermaphrodite. All of them had a role in reproduction which was... well it was a bit like some magical Norse saga in a strange way. As far as he could work out, the key was the gender neutral as they were the egg producers and it was that aspect that had been lost. All the others had to mate and then inseminate a gender neutral with the product of their union and it was enough to give him a massive migraine.

So, the gender neutral was the most important, but the hermaphrodite was also key and he had the preserved corpse to work on. It was hermaphroditic, which made him just think of Rodney and how Rodney was and he was going to crack before he solved their issues.

He couldn't THINK. He didn't have long. He wasn't sure of the time factor involved now as day and night blurred into working until he was exhausted then starting when insomnia woke him. The hermaphrodite had all the possible codes in one. Lhamana the Wraith had called Rodney. The all-life and somehow feeding off of a different species triggered the development process and…

Wait, wait, a different species. He was trying to do the impossible with the Asgard material and if he used Ancient DNA as a carrier - his Ancient DNA, then maybe... Would that work? Not just human but Ancient because the humanoid characteristics of most species seemed to have had a common DNA base...

It would interject the ability to ascend again, too, because Human 2.0 was definitely on track for it, and had the ATA gene, at least he did and it seemed like a good way to trigger something. All he needed was a cell sample and a few needles.

He found a hypodermic and god damn it if his hands weren't shaking too much to get a clean injection. Okay, normally he didn't bother Heimdall but this time he needed help if he was going to get an answer in time. He nearly half ran out of the door way, turning to looking around as he tried to sort the ideas in his head into order.

It wasn't surprising to find the Asgard standing behind a console, eyes unblinking and seemingly unaware until he turned his head. "Yes?"

"Heimdall, I need you to take a sample from me," Carson said abruptly. "Blood will do although stem cells would be better, but... no. Blood. And I need to know how long I've got until my deadline."

"If the timeline you gave us was correct, you have less than four of your planet's weeks remaining." Four weeks. Oh, god, his head still hurt just thinking about it, trying to work out how Rodney was. For all he knew, something had gone wrong with the pregnancy and the baby hadn't made it or something had gone wrong at the SGC.

Four weeks. Not long enough but it was going to have to be. They would need a week of actual trials, to see if they were stable, assuming he could get it to mix. "Please, take the sample. I think I can create a viable retrovirus."

Heimdall looked at him for a moment and then nodded. "Yes. Where would you like the sample placed?

He bared his arm. "If you could take it from here and put it in my lab. I, I'm a bit shaky."

"Why?" It was a curious sort of question while he slowly pressed the needle in, as per Carson's instruction.

"Because I'm falling apart," Carson said acerbically. "I've been here months, and there are limits."

"If you are successful, our people will once again have to learn our physical limitations." Heimdall sounded amused as he pulled the plunger back slowly.

"Aye, that will be interesting," Carson said tiredly. He felt jittery though, because he had that feeling he was on to something. "You could end up as any one of the sexes."

It was interesting... it made some of the Norse tales of the gods seem a little more sensible when it came to them apparently sleeping around.

"That is interesting." Heimdall inclined his head slightly, handing the hypodermic back to Carson. "I was once what you termed 'gender neutral'."

"Do... do you remember that?" Carson asked, mind still whirling. “Is it part of your consciousness?" Four weeks. He'd have to push himself even harder. Cook up some pep pills maybe.

There was something absurd about cooking meth on an alien space ship, but there it was. "I do. My consciousness is one of the more complete consciousnesses; Loki was another, as is Thor. There are those of us who recall when we stood tall and more closely resembled the physical images we put forth to your people's ancestors."

"If I get a working retrovirus, we'll have to go back. How long would it take to determine if the change is stable? You know your physiology better of course," Carson asked. In theory, he thought it should only be a few days but he wasn't the expert.

"Logically, a few days would show the outcome." Heimdall moved to follow him, if that was what Carson needed. What he really needed was Heimdall to cook the meth for him and he could keep working.

Maybe he should ask if they had any medications here. "Right. Uh, Heimdall? Do you have any human stimulants here? To get this done I think I need a wee bit of help."

"Human stimulants can be created if that is what you require." Heimdall looked at him and squinted finally, which Carson guessed was displeasure.

"In the absence of a few more pairs of hands, then yes I do," Carson answered, refusing to be ashamed about it. Shame could come later when he'd fulfilled his promise to Rodney by being there. He could deal with consequences then after he'd fitted in a year's worth of development into a few weeks.

It wasn't as if he hadn't jacked Rodney up on drugs so he and Radek could build bombs, well beyond a level maintaining dose. They could deal with it later.

It seemed like they were always dealing with whatever the problem was... later.

* * *

His sister had been mailing him photographs of two houses near hers that were for sale and it was as far from subtle as a kick in the head. She wanted him to move up there and Rodney was still working on finishing simulations that needed to be done there at the SGC in preparation for his moving to telecommuting. Not, actually, that he was getting to work on those simulations because of course something went wrong. Communication with the Asgard had stopped all together, and in that silence, the Ori had risen up and were on the move, which meant that there were mechanical things for him to focus on, pre-naquadah generators that he could at least tweak perfectly before Radek added the radioactive materials to it.

He knew he was clinging to a hope that wasn't likely to happen. No message from Carson since he had been taken that night. No sign, no word, no nothing. The last few months had been hard. He'd had help, from sometimes surprising people; Elizabeth, Radek, Sam... Daniel Jackson of all people. Teal'c being protective in a way he hadn't thought possible, and even Mitchell and Vala helping him. He'd expected jeering and laughing, not support.

He'd stopped snarling and snapping at them for what had happened with the city, and settled into the fact that he'd been part of a fantastic mission that had become a lost cause and at least he was still alive. And that it was over. But it didn't stop him of thinking about John, about Teyla and Ronon, didn't stop him from thinking about Kolya and that Wraith, and didn't stop him from missing Carson. At home, alone, he was miserable, moving more slowly than he had before.

There was no mistaking he was pregnant now; he was huge and he just wanted to not be huge any more. He was tired and clumsy and...

There was a pain, rippling over his stomach.

That was new, novel, and it made him drop the wrench to the side and it was a damn good thing it fell on the floor and not into the generator itself. "Son of a bitch."

"You should not be dropping tools on the generator, Rodney," Radek contributed from the other side. "Is everything all right?"

"No, I don't think so. I think..." He thought that there was a weird feeling, a wet feeling, and that was textbook water breaking. He'd been tired and miserable all morning and that just figured.

Radek seemed to pick up something in his voice and came around to look at him. "Rodney? Are you all right?" He looked down and then back at him with a look of panic. "Are you, are you in labor?"

"My water broke. I think. Here, just help me to the infirmary, it's not like he's going to come bounding out." Radek was probably scared stiff that he was going to have to deliver and that was just not going to happen.

“I, here, let me help you." He was very careful, almost tentatively putting an arm around him. "You will be well. They will take good care of you. Here this way."

As if he had forgotten the way through virtue of being in labor.

"Radek, it hurts, but it hasn't killed my brain cells." It was just muscle contractions. That was all. It was his body finally being sick of feeling huge and strange and bent out of shape, pushing out the little invader. That was all, and oh god, he hadn't settled on a name.

He wanted to talk it over with someone, make sure he wasn't dooming a child to an embarrassing name for their entire life. "Yes. I am sorry, um… here. Here." They made it into the Infirmary and Radek was immediately vocal. "We need a doctor? Now! Dr. McKay is in labor!"

And it really wasn't as if it was going to all give way immediately, but Radek sounded panicked enough that it suddenly *seemed* possible and Rodney just wanted to be doped up and done with it.

"Right, Dr McKay over here, let's get you comfortable," Dr Lam said. "Just started the contractions?"

"And it feels like my water broke," Rodney agreed, moving uncomfortably over to Doctor Lam.

"Well it could still be a while yet," Dr Lam said. "But just as well you were here already. Lie down, we'll take a look."

He wanted Carson there with his soothing voice, telling him what was happening. He could be here days.

He probably would be there for days and he didn't want to be, he wanted to be home, and home was kind of vacant. He had a body pillow that he'd been using to help him sleep at night, mostly to stay off of his stomach, but... But, it was miserable and he was lonely and now he was going to be miserable and lonely and a parent.

"Still a long time between contractions," Dr Lam noted. "We've not got down to the serious business yet." She fussed a bit more. "I'm sorry Dr Beckett isn't here with you, Rodney."

"Yes, well, I'm sorry, too." He was sorry she hadn't been the one with some decent research that the Asgard had walked off with. Rodney shifted, lay down on the bed, and waited for that sharp stabbing feeling to come again.

“You might feel more comfortable walking around after we've put some monitors on you. But we'll see how it goes," Dr Lam said.

"Are you kidding me? I feel like I wet myself. I need a change of clothes or to borrow some scrubs." Or a scalpel and some sedatives so he could finish it off himself.

"We'll get you a gown," Dr Lam said. "Ah there we go." Monitors started beeping and producing trace results. One for him and...there was the rapid heartbeat of his baby, ticking alone like a rapid beat of a metronome.

Still beating, probably getting excited for the big event, the big show, Jesus, he needed to think up a name, what had he and Carson talked about, joked about before? "Huh."

"Have you had another contraction?" she asked and there was a host of them now fussing around him.

Duller, just a hard clenching, and that little heartbeat spiked up for a moment. "Yes, yes, I think he's determined to get out today."

"Good, that's good. Still gearing up for the main event, then," Dr Lam said. "Nurse Whitelaw here will stay with you okay? We want things ready in case we need to do a caesarean."

He didn't want surgery, he wanted to just be done with it, he wanted to go home. He was going to have to go to his sister's afterwards. As soon as he could. As soon as he could get out of there and home and book plane tickets, or a bus, or fuck, he could pay a taxi to drive him there or he could drive there, and one more contraction cinched a fact he already knew.

There was no way he was ever going to do this again.

* * *

Time had passed in a whirl of experiments and an inexorable countdown and Carson knew he was skating on thin ice physically, emotionally and mentally. He'd treated Rodney for a lesser version of the symptoms he was showing now, in those times when they couldn't afford for him to be out of action, where he had to work. He was taking too many of the pills and he knew that he was going to suffer for that later but it was the only way to complete things in time.

He'd pushed himself ridiculously hard, even to the point of passing out with a frequency that he knew wasn't good and he had a cough that wasn't giving up. It seemed ridiculous that just being apart from someone could have this profound effect on his state of being but he'd treated enough prisoners and victims of various forms of captivity to know that this was normal. Not that he was technically a prisoner, although in reality he was. It was impossible to escape from a species that had the ability to pinpoint where you were at any given moment and then beam you up.

Once he'd had the idea of using his own genetic code as a patch for the chronic genetic disease it had then become a case of running simulation after simulation, tweaking a little here, building in a stop point to the process - no one wanted to regress all the way back to the primordial soup - and trying to find a stable version. The first time it came up with a complete four level reproduction successful retrovirus he whooped loudly and then rather embarrassingly burst into a combination of hysterical tears and laughter until every Asgard in the facility came and stood around him watching him with enormous black eyes and quizzical expressions.

His ethics unfortunately would not let him test it until he had run and re-run the simulations to establish a fail rate. He had the entire power of the computer system committed to that and at the end of it there was a fail rate of 1 in a 100,000. This apparently was deemed acceptable by the Asgard and Heimdall volunteered to be one of the first to have the treatment with a group of ten others.

It hadn't been a comfortable process for them, or for Carson who effectively had to nurse and monitor them through the arduous process. They consumed vast quantities of food, suffered a fair degree of pain as their skeletal structure shifted. It had taken five days for the process to stop and then came the painstaking examination and the process of determining if the reproductive functions were viable. He was waiting for their report, practically twitching with anxiety because he needed to be on Earth. Rodney was due any day now and he could've missed it but he just had to be there.

He wanted to be home, desperately, back in a world of life and interaction, because watching creatures in pain was an agonizing thing and there was no question that the Asgard would have to readjust to a less sterile lifestyle with their newly returned bodies. Even the Ancients at their most serene had beautiful architecture, soothing meditation devices and failed experiment after failed experiment, rising higher into their minds without completely neglecting their bodies.

The cloning would have to stop and Carson had put that forth in his research. A consciousness was not meant to survive eternally and most of the Asgard left, according to Heimdall, were willing to trade the opportunity to live in their old forms even if it meant a shortened lifespan and a chance at Ascension.

They were going to have to make the doorways a good bit taller, Carson mused, watching Heimdall step stooped over through the doorway into the lab. "We believe you have completed good, functional work, Doctor Beckett. We will know proof of our practical functionality in a few months. Do you wish to remain here and oversee the production of the retro virus?"

"I believe you are more than capable," Carson said, with as much dignity as he could muster. "I would really like to be transported home, although I would certainly like to be advised of progress. If you need further input, I would be willing to work on it but based on Earth now that the situation is less dire and the Asgard have rescinded their edict of species termination." He pushed himself up unsteadily, having to look up to Heimdall now. "I believe you will understand more of my... anxiety and eagerness when you experience your reproductive cycle."

"Perhaps. Do you wish to be transported immediately to the location you were taken from or do you have another preference?" Heimdall asked.

"If you could lock on to the signature of Dr McKay and beam me wherever he is, that will do me just fine," Carson answered hopefully. It was almost anticlimactic but he didn't really care now that they were being very phlegmatic about his work. He just wanted to go home, he could have his anger later.

"Your work has changed the course of my people's evolution. We will discuss with your people proper recompense for your work here." Heimdall extended a hand to Carson. "Good luck. Thank you.”

It startled him enough that he just clasped Heimdall's larger hand. "And you, Heimdall, I would've enjoyed working with you more if not for other circumstances."

All the while, his mind was whirling with an almost delirious anticipation of Rodney being close enough to touch, to see and hear and he had to stop coughing. He had to pull himself together or he wouldn't even be allowed near Rodney. Heimdall stepped back and made a gesture, and Carson hoped it meant he was going to be transported home.

There was a glimmer of blue light in his vision and he was suddenly there. With the sounds of people, busy Infirmary sounds and Rodney's voice yelling, sounding in pain and... he blinked a little trying to take in where he had materialized.

Right in the middle of the infirmary -- the less than serene walls were the tip-off -- and now there was at least one nurse staring hard at him. "Security!" Oh, Jesus, no, no, and he had to look a sight, but if Rodney was there then it wasn't good.

"Rodney? Rodney!" He turn and saw a curtained off area and literally pushed his way in, certain Rodney was there.

And he was, and apparently mid-labor. He wasn't sure if he had excellent or really bad timing.

"If one more person sticks their, nngh, fuck, head in here, I'm going to rip it off!" That was his Rodney, pure Rodney, really, even if his face was flushed a hard red and there was sweat on his forehead.

"I hope that doesn't include me, Rodney," he said, glad that the other doctors were more concerned with the lower body so he could get in close. "I'd hate to ruin my emergency transport in to be here."

"You..." Rodney's eyes went wide and he unknotted a hand from the bedding to grasp at Carson. "You made it. You're back..."

Immediately Carson’s hand found his and the nearly unfamiliar touch of human grip on his own was enough to make him well up. "Aye, love, I did. I see you started the party without me though." Rodney was beautiful to him, even mussed and flustered. He leaned over and kissed him gently, just enough to let him know he was real.

Rodney clutched hard at his hand and perhaps he'd been about to say something but he gave another groan and his arm went tense as if he didn't want Carson to lean away. "You're not leaving, they're not going to take you again.?"

"No, I've made their retrovirus cure, I'm home now." And he managed to say that as if it hadn't been months of hell trying to be good enough, smart enough to think his way to a solution that would bring him home. "I'm never leaving you again, Rodney."

And boy, he was going to have a few bruises after this but he didn't care. He managed to pull a stool over to prop himself on and not let go of Rodney.

Hopefully that nurse had called off her call for security.

Rodney looked up at the ceiling for a moment, and then cut his eyes over to Carson after a moment. "You look like hell. I missed you. I..."

Carson considered that he must look really bad for Rodney to notice while he was in the middle of labor but it didn't stop him smiling. "You have no idea how much I missed you. I wanted to talk to you, hear from you. There was no-one there aside from Heimdall and other Asgard. I don't know anything about how you've been or any of it and here you are in labor, yelling at the doctors."

It seemed his presence had calmed Rodney down some.

"Wouldn't give me the good drugs." Rodney grimaced again, the pained sound coming from low in his chest. "Been at this for a while."

"Well you know what we doctors are like, we want to torture you needlessly," Carson said, feeling Rodney's hand tighten on his. "But I know you, you have hidden reserves of strength. You can do this. Have you tried breathing through the contraction?"

It was funny how it all came back. If nothing else it would distract Rodney until his body was really ready for him to push.

"Tried," Rodney agreed, exhaling slowly. "Trying. I've missed you...”

"I've missed you. I've missed being there for you, taking care of you and the baby," Carson said softly. "They robbed us of that. I'm so sorry, Rodney. Breathe now, that’s it, inhale and hiss it out through the contraction... That's it."

It seemed like it was working, that Rodney was falling into the rhythm and somewhere in there, Dr. Lam straightened up and frowned at Carson. "Oh, uh, Doctor Beckett, did you just get here?"

"Aye, I did. Beamed in direct," he answered, barely sparing her a glance. "How're things coming along down there?" He had to try and swallow back the coughing that doing some of the breathing with Rodney was triggering. It made his chest burn somehow.

"Three centimeters." Lam pulled her gloves off. "If you'd come with me, Doctor Beckett - I can do your incoming scans."

"If you want to do incoming scans then by all means do them here," Carson said, still looking at Rodney. "I'm not leaving him having spent 4 months trying to get back."

Lam's face twitched for a moment and she stepped outside of the curtain. Rodney leaned his head back, staring back up at Carson again. "I'm never doing this again. I know it took some alignment of the moon the sun and an evil god but I'm never doing this again, Carson, and you'll be lucky if I don't tie you down."

"Promises, promises," Carson answered with a smile and stroked at Rodney's dampened hair. "You do know I didn't want to go don't you? That I tried everything I could to get them to send me home?"

"They're like the Ancients that way," Rodney murmured, shifting his fingers on Carson's free hand. "Couldn't contact. Thor wouldn't say where you were. You fixed it?"

Carson nodded. "They're a bloody sight taller than they used to be," he answered. "They were incommunicado. Deciding whether to commit mass suicide if I couldn't come up with the goods."

The removal of that pressure was dizzying.

He'd done it and he was vaguely sure that it was going to continue working, that it might work all the way, and if it failed, he could work on it, from home because he wasn't going to do a lick of work for them under those circumstances again. Rodney was breathing his way through another set of contractions but then he managed, "When was the last time you slept?"

"Rodney, you're giving birth, I'm pretty sure that's more important," Carson said, gripping back as Rodney squeezed his hand again. He was just a little bit alarmed to find that he genuinely couldn't remember. Obviously he must've slept at, well, some point, but he couldn't remember then. He'd been looking after the Asgard and they weren't good at nursing those who were left and... Jesus, why couldn't he remember sleeping?

Rodney rubbed his fingers against Carson's hand and started to breathe through another contraction. "Gonna be a while. It's just a suggestion."

"I don't want to sleep when I've just got here," Carson said. "I'm okay. Little while longer won't hurt."

He coughed a little more and grimaced a little. Chest infection or something. Bloody ridiculous.

"Doesn't sound like a good cough," Rodney noted, voice stilted and tight still. "I can wake you up for the finale. Just... glad you're here."

"I was obviously pining for you, love," Carson said lightly and then felt a sharp pressure and hiss of a hypo spray against his neck. "Hey! I..."

Things were becoming very drifty and his ability to grip Rodney's hand seemed impossibly complicated.

"That should put him out," Dr Lam said in satisfaction. Then there was a pause and, "Why isn't he out?"

Uppers and tranqs didn't always play nice but right now he was struggling to focus and not shiver.

"I dislike you," he vaguely heard Rodney say. "Did you think that maybe the Asgard had been giving him something? No, no, just show up and wildly apply seddat-- nggggh, son of a bitch."

"The Asgard wouldn't do that," Dr Lam was saying and that was enough to send Carson into gasping laughter.

"You'd… you'd be surprised at what they would do with their species on the line," he slurred and then he made the mistake of trying to stand. In a strangely surreal way it felt like his legs had floated off and he folded up in slow motion. Too hyped up to sleep, too tranquilized to stay awake, he was stuck in a strange limbo where he couldn't stop them picking him up and putting him on a cot but he could complain about it when they did.

* * *

Miserable bastards. They were all miserable bastards. He was in pain, they wouldn't give him the good drugs, his vagina was trying to turn itself inside out and Carson had been put on a cot nearby but it wasn't close. They could have just left him alone, but no, no, Doctor Lam couldn't do a damn thing unless it was interfering or obnoxious.

He had to admit, if it weren't for the fact that he was being distracted by the pain of contractions, watching her try to deal with a semi-drugged Carson would've been comedy gold because Carson was very obviously shot full of something in a way he recognized all too well and if Rodney could tell Carson looked terrible then he had to be in a bad way.

Later, later, they could go home to their home and rest and that was all Rodney really wanted to do. He wanted to go home and rest and sleep and call his sister and oh, god. "Carson? It's supposed to be a boy. He'll need a name, and I procrastin... nggf… nated on it."

"A wee boy..." Carson beamed at him with uninhibited happiness. "Well there is the , the obvious. John. Or... Or, there’s Alex. Not much you can do with a nick name there. For a while I thought you might go with Sam."

He grimaced his way through another contraction, and they were getting closer together. "You don't have any brothers named A… Alex?"

"No. I think I thought it was a good name, better than Carson anyway," Carson answered.

"I like Carson." Rodney shifted, trying to think hard about getting the baby out. "Alex. Alex is a good name. It's a hard name to make jokes about. And John for a middle name?"

"Alexander the Great." Carson smiled as he coughed with that horrible rasping sound that he didn't even seem to notice. "Aye, John, that would be a lovely thought. The worst his peers could call him is A.J McKay... which sounds more like some cartoon hero than anything."

Rodney half-focused on what he was doing and half on Carson and neither was really working very well but it was at least an attempt. "You, are you okay?"

"Oh, aye," Carson said and smiled at him in a slow almost inanely happy way. "Now I'm back here with you everything’s fine. I'm just a wee bit drugged at the moment. They were giving me some sort of stimulant. Gonna be a wee bit tricky coming down from that."

"I knew it. I knew it!" He knew that wild sort of disconnect, knew it from Carson's own drug mixes, actually.

Rodney was about to say more when there was another hard contraction.

"Rodney?" Carson seemed to be trying to push himself up and Dr Lam was not looking happy as she tried to get him to stay down. "Get off me. I've got to--"

"You don't have to do anything, now just hold still, Carson," Dr Lam said. "I'm trying to get some samples and readings."

"Then push the bloody bed over so I can at least hold his hand and scan me," Carson said, reaching out blindly. "You should know what you'll find any way. You should know what sort of effect that can have."

Well, if he was going to flail like that, there was no reason for Rodney to not reach back, grabbing at Carson's hand miserably and okay, the contractions were getting a lot closer together.

Dr Lam did seem to realize it was the only way to keep Carson on the bed and some of the nurses helped push it over until he could actually grasp Carson's hand.

"It's okay, love, it's going to be okay. You'll have a lovely baby boy soon and he'll be beautiful and clever just like his fathers," Carson murmured. It proved to Rodney's mind that Carson said all of those soothing things out of instinct and subconscious behaviors.

High and strung out and tired and even half sedated, he still said things like that. "You're not allowed to leave like that again. My sister almost, oh, oh, fuck, can someone see what's going on down there?"

"You're doing well, Rodney," one of the nurses said. "Won't be long now."

"Are you feeling a need to bear down?" Carson asked, only faintly slurring. "That'll be when little Alex is really on the move."

He could see Dr Lam's expression shifting from annoyed to serious as she looked over a scanners result. That was not what he needed to see.

"What is it? What is it?" Rodney did want to bear down but he didn't, He twisted a little, trying to look over to the scanner, as if that would tell him what happened.

"It's fine, Rodney," Dr Lam said. "Don't worry. You and the baby are right on schedule, nothing wrong ."

"You can't just tell me that nothing's wrong when you're looking at Carson's readouts with that expression. You realize I plan on taking him home with me, too, don't you?"

"Well you might have to wait a few days," Dr Lam said, "as he appears to be functioning on will power and drugs right now."

"She's found out my secret," Carson said happily. "But it's really fine."

"Carson, you have walking pneumonia, your electrolytes are a disaster. Do you even have any idea of the weight you've lost? Your blood pressure is all over the place and..."

Carson held up a hand. "I know, I know."

"Then stop criticizing and put an IV in h… him alrea... Ngggh, fuck."

"Easy, Rodney," Carson soothed. "Okay Doctor, I hate to tell you your business but seeming as how you've put me on the benches here, I think it's show time. Rodney? I want you to focus that concentration of yours, your energy… you know, the stuff that got you through all the time when lesser mortals were dropping of exhaustion around you - focus into the push, hold on to me and push."

"I'm pushing!" He didn't say the damn it, but it was there, threaded into his voice. He had to pant through the next one and clenched down hard again.

"That's it, that’s it, Rodney," Carson encouraged. "You're doing wonderfully,"

He was gripping his hand like a lifeline even as the next surge rolled over him.

"Fully dilated - do we need forceps?" one of the nurses asked.

"Don't be bloody ridiculous," Carson answered. "We're nowhere near needing that sort OF intervention. Anyone would think you hadn't delivered a baby for a while."

Considering the nature of the place that was a strong possibility.

"Just don't drop him! Hi--" It wasn't worth trying to talk, so Rodney bore down hard again and there was no way the human body was supposed to press that hard on anything.

He was tired and exhausted and the world was narrowing down to that sensation with a terrifying sort of urgency.

"The baby's crowning," Dr Lam announced and moved to focus on him.

"Did you hear that, Rodney. A couple more pushes and it'll all be over," Carson said, even as he panted and gasped from that last push. "Slow breaths, deep ones, let it build and then throw yourself into it. Like shelling peas my mum used to say."

"Gonna have to meet your mother and tell her that makes no sense at, at all, not a bit, not..." Rodney groaned hard, straining, pushing down as hard as he could and hoped.

"That's good, hey, he's got a large head." Dr Lam commented.

"Got to have somewhere to store all those McKay brains," Carson said. "One more, Rodney, one more will do it..." and he half wanted to shout that hadn't the last three or four been the "last one" but he settled for a bone crushing grip as he went for the last contraction.

It hurt like hell, low in his stomach and he was pretty sure he'd never want to have sex again, never mind that he had no faith at all that things would pull back together down there because the baby probably had a head as big as his own, and oh, god.

There was a sensation of relief and emptiness and then as he was panting from that, he heard a rather penetrating demanding squall of baby crying and Carson had somehow pushed himself to sitting and his eyes were wet with emotion. "Ach, Rodney... he's, he's beautiful... good, strong lungs on him."

Rodney gave Carson's hand one last squeeze and shifted to sit up, body still hurting and god that hurt, still. He needed the good drugs, he needed them past-tense.

They were cleaning his son up, as generally babies were red and unhappy looking in their first few moments of life but they were being quick about that at least and then Dr Lam brought his son over to him, complete with a still damp shock of dark brown hair sticking up at all angles. "Congratulations, Rodney, you have a fine healthy boy," Dr Lam said as she passed him over, swathed in a blanket.

Rodney exhaled, shifting to hold onto him and he had no idea how to hold onto a baby because Jeannie was wrong, so wrong. It didn't come naturally at all, it came awkwardly, probably because Rodney was awkward but he settled with just holding him like he would a sleepy cat and that seemed to work. "Huh. Hi there."

Alex John yawned a little as if he had done all the hard work and needed a rest.

"This would be where we would usually tell the mother to try and see if he would suckle," Carson said. "It helps with the placenta and contracting the uterus."

"How? I can, I can try, I have no idea what's connected anymore or isn't." He was a red, blotchy little guy, and Rodney shifted, pushing aside the scrubs top he'd been put in to try to maneuver that. Rodney was willing to bet it hurt but there was a reflex that told babies that sucking was what they did and he was probably hungry. First big meal ever. "How about it? I promise to not hold it against you if it hurts, if you promise to not scream too much if it doesn't work."

"Well, from the fact I can tell you have filled out a wee bit there, something is working," Carson said. "It will hurt some, Rodney... to start with. But the colostrum is wonderful for their immune system, even if you don't continue with the feed later."

"Try it Dr McKay and then we'll get you all cleaned up and you can rest while Junior here takes a nap," Dr Lam advised.

Alex, it seemed, had good instinct and started a good suckling attempt which felt very strange and then there were red hot poker pains in his innards that distracted from the fact they were getting out the afterbirth.

Jeannie hadn't mentioned the pain part of things much. Rodney shifted a little, slouched down, cradled Alex closer. He was sucking but he didn't seem to be going to town and it was sort of an awkward angle to watch the baby at but Rodney was going to keep trying. Dark head of hair, face still red and wrinkled, eyes bleary and half-open if that. Rodney would've been surprised if they were green and he'd given birth to a big-headed little John Sheppard clone.

His eyes were baby blue though, smoky and dark and half way through he stopped sucking - not letting go but just stop sucking for a moment and frowned just for a moment as if some immense revelation had come to him before he started sucking again.

In that moment, he recognized a lot of himself and it was more than a little overwhelming.

And Alex had probably just wondered why Rodney had a receding hairline. Rodney petted fingers gently over Alex's hair and looked over to Carson.

Carson leaned over to kiss him gently, smiling at him with such genuine happiness, Rodney wasn't sure how he could've believed that Carson might have a problem with another man's baby. "He's going to be a handsome lad with your brains. I reckon he's already thinking about his first doctorate."

It at least got Rodney to laugh. "He's thinking about why you don't have an IV full of things to fight your pneumonia with."

"I can take a hint. I'll rest when you and little Alex are both resting up," Carson supplied. "Dr Lam can do her worse."

She probably would. Rodney shifted, pressed his lips against the top of Alex's head. Yeah, yeah, he certainly smelled a bit like he'd been cooped up somewhere for nine months. They could both do with a rest and a bath.

* * *


	4. Duet 4

"If I let you out of here, you're going to go home and do too much and set yourself back and you'll end up right back here again." Hah, little did she know that the plan was to lay in a supply of everything and then not leave the house for a week.

"I don't think that Rodney will allow me to do anything strenuous and I believe when we get back he is to call to see if his sister can come back," Carson said mildly. "Believe me, all I would do here is stress over how he is doing. I do know how to take care of myself given the opportunity."

"I'm not sure of that, given the state you arrived here in." She crossed her arms over her chest, looking at him with an expression he had used himself on recalcitrant patients. "You need to rest. Going home with a newborn is the opposite of the definition of rest."

Carson looked at her. "Believe me, Dr Lam, in comparison it will be a holiday and a half," he said. "You and I both know my treatment can take place at home."

"I want to see you in three days. That means you need to come here for another checkup and you need to rest and eat properly." She still had her arms crossed, expression miserable.

"I will." He exhaled. "Dr Lam is there something else wrong?" he asked. "I can't help but notice you're not exactly overwhelmed to see me."

"I'm under review by the IOA for dismissing research that was found to be extremely useful by our allies. You experiment with not nearly enough test subjects, documents showing you've been involved in genocide, you work in viruses that have mutated before, and I'm being brought under review."

Carson paused a moment, trying to absorb that and not explode with anger. She had dismissed his research, she had prevented him from working with additional subjects and his previous work had been tested against his recommendations. "I did the research with what resources were available, Dr. Lam," he said as calmly as he could. "And, no, my retroviruses were stable but were not refined. There is a difference"

The genocide comment hurt because he did blame himself, always had for what happened on Hoff, even so he felt he had to defend himself. "I did not make the decision for the Hoffans to take their treatment. I recommended testing but they voted as an entire population and took it without paying attention to any warning or recommendation I had given. Even so, it haunts me in a way you couldn't even imagine, Dr. Lam."

"We can't do things that way here." She picked up her clipboard and turned. "I'll have a nurse come by with your antibiotics."

"Thank you," Carson replied a little faintly. Maybe he should seriously think about finding somewhere else to work. No, no this was stupid, why was he thanking her for treating him like crap. The anger and frustration of months boiled up suddenly and he didn’t have the strength to stop it. "No, no wait, Dr. Lam. You are behaving like I wronged you somehow. I didn't do anything to you. You made those decisions. You've treated me like some wet behind the ears intern since I came back from Atlantis not as someone who did your job in more challenging conditions. You moved me away from research to be an infirmary medic. I've had to put up with all of that and you know what? I'm pretty sure you didn't waste any sleep over the fact the Asgard took me. Did you want it to be you? Because you have no idea what it was like. And you should, but you know what? You haven't even bothered to bloody well ask!"

She was all knotted up and Carson really didn't think she could've done it. He was a bloody geneticist with years of schooling and training behind that. It wasn't as if he'd pulled a slip out of a hat and it had magically told him what kind of medicine he was going to be involved in. Lam turned around and seemed frustrated. "I moved you away from research because there was every indication that you would continue your genetics research in the same vein you did in Pegasus."

"Every indication? Every bloody indication? I was **ordered** to develop a biological response to the Wraith as a defense. I tried to create a ‘cure’ and then after the first trial, was very reluctant to continue further until once again it became a matter of life and death and I was ordered again to continue. Did you miss those bits of the reports where the entire command team submitted their reports detailing their decisions? Or did you assume I was just splicing genetic material willy-nilly?" Carson asked, feeling an unaccustomed rush of anger. "So I'm some dangerously rogue Mengele figure to you all, working outside the rules? Did you bother to read my files and reports or did you just assume I was an inveterate liar?"

"I..." And he'd gotten her, he could tell because she shook her head. "I'm not going to argue with a patient."

"Aye, well, I think you just answered my question there for me," Carson said bitterly. "When you manage to rationalize how what I've done for the Asgard fits with your appallingly low opinion of me, then by all means let me know."

"Three days, Doctor Beckett." She gave a vague gesture that Carson hoped was 'bye', and left. Thank god.

Right now, he couldn't think of anything worse than staying here. The encounter exhausted him and he was vaguely ashamed he had given in and become angry but at this rate Rodney wasn't going to have to worry about someone caring for Alex when he went back to work because the chances of him having a job to come back to were fading fast.

* * *

Getting a ride home had been a great idea. It was just a Marine from the Atlantis expedition, who'd offered cheerily and Rodney was more than glad to roll into their home, carrying Alex carefully. "Jeannie made me stock up with baby things ahead of time. Nothing's, nothing's perfect. I kept meaning to put together a nursery, but..."

"It's fine, Rodney," Carson answered as they stepped inside. "We'll make do and sort things out. He can sleep in the baby carrier if worse comes to worse."

"No, there's a crib, but it's not assembled." Rodney hugged Alex close, keeping the door open for Carson. "We can put it together later. And you still look like hell. And he'll need to eat and I still can't believe that you're home." Eventually, Rodney guessed, he'd stop waiting to find out that Carson was some strange doppelganger.

"Ah well, I had a wee run in with Dr Lam before she agreed to let me go," Carson said as he walked through to the kitchen, touching things almost reverentially. "I think she's glad to see the back of me."

"The feeling should be mutual," Rodney murmured. And he could have helped it, he could have, but it was easier to encroach on Carson than it was to let him wander and rediscover the house. "I tried to keep everything the way you had it, the way it was, I..."

It was easy, too, to bridge the space between them and reach out to hug Carson with his free arm. "I missed you. I missed you like I miss John. It was miserable and surreal and I think that's love and you're not allowed to be kidnapped by aliens again."

"I'll have a note from you to get me out of it," Carson answered even as he leaned into that half hug. "You and I are going to be in a bed together soon even if I only have strength for sleeping. Now then, Alex needs food. Do we have the bottles and formula?"

"Jeannie was stocking me up at the same time she was trying to get me to move to Canada." He wasn't going to tell Carson that they'd thought he might be gone for years or indefinitely, or the anger he'd had at the SGC about their inability to get Carson back. They could handle it all later, whenever later was because there were the mundane things to take care of like getting the formula and the bottle and the liners out. He was still trying to breastfeed but there was only really enough for maybe once a day and it really did hurt. Either way, he could sit and watch Alex eat.

"Well, we'll do that and make sure we have enough. He'll likely nap afterwards. A little later he'll want a bath and then we'll see how he does when we put him down for the night," Carson answered, sounding a little weary.

And Rodney didn't want Carson to be weary. He leaned into Carson for a moment, just keeping him still. "Hey. You're sick. I can do this and I'll be right up with him, the bottle, and a towel he can throw up on if the urge strikes and we can all get some sleep. Go upstairs."

Carson looked like he was going to protest and then exhaled and nodded. "I'm sorry...I don't want to give her the satisfaction of being right about anything to do with me."

Rodney could feel the warm puff of Carson's breath against his neck. Held against Rodney's own chest, Alex gave a bobble of a fist, enough to get Rodney's attention. "She's not. She's not, Carson. You're not a murderer any more than I am. She's jealous. You solved a problem that Jeannie and I figured would take years. Years. And that was a generous estimate. And you solved it."

"She's not jealous. She just thinks I'm a mass murderer and Mengele clone," Carson replied. "And too dangerous. And apparently I'm responsible for an IOA audit into her." Carson looked miserable still, depressed as well as unwell. Rodney found his anger about that hard to contain.

"Because she wrote your research off in a fit of ego! I should know what an ego looks like, Carson. I might tease Radek that I think his research is shit but it's not. He makes mistakes and we work on it and at the end of the day I respect him. She should respect you as a colleague, not as a threat to her job." And okay, Carson wasn't going upstairs and to bed but he was still there, close and warm and alive, god, alive.

"Right now, I don't want a bl... a job." Carson edited the swearword to spare Alex's ears. "I don't care about work because, because I just don't. I'm here with you and Alex and I just can't face the thought of work right now."

"Take a sabbatical. Hell, tomorrow I can call and take a sabbatical for you," Rodney offered. He wasn't even sure he could censor himself like that. One more thing to work on. "You deserve it. They owe you. You were living up to a part of a bargain the SGC never likes to think about and you're a government employee. You could probably get 4 months off. Paid. It'd be only fair."

"Well..." Carson nodded. "Aye, I think, I think right now I need time off. I've done several years’ worth in a few months. And then I get to spend time with you."

"If I keep saying 'I missed you' it's going to sound creepy, but the idea of spending a while together sounds like the best thing I've heard in a long time." Right up there with Alex being John's and Alex coming ’out’. "Later, I wanted to talk about uh… Adoption. Procedures. So, uh..."

"Adoption procedures?" Carson looked at him, obviously confused. "What do you mean?"

"If something ever happens, to me, I mean, Jeannie would be next in line as my sister, but I want to be as specific and well documented as possible because of John's family? Think Enron, Carson. Think... well, let's not think about it, but you've already cared about Alex as much as I have and..."

"Oh." Carson seemed shocked. "You want me to be his official guardian? I, I don't know what to say." He did look literally speechless, as if he hadn't considered he had a role in this.

"Carson. If it weren't for you, there wouldn't, look, I don't know if I would have been able to do this. You were there for me and when the Asgard took you, I kept looking forward to you being here again. I stayed cut back on coffee because I could hear you in my head tsking at me." There was another fussy motion from Alex and Rodney pulled away. "Okay, okay, kiddo. We'll get you fed now."

"Who knew that you ever listened to me that much? I'll exploit that later," he declared but at least he was smiling now.

Rodney snorted. "I bet you will. It only works when I think you're right, though. If you try to keep me from pizza in moderation, it probably won't work." He opened the canister of formula and started the tediousness of reading the label and mixing it.

Two tablespoons, which meant he needed to rummage for one of those obscure things.

"Speaking of which, we should get something for ourselves," Carson replied. "Now ordinarily I would offer to cook but I'm not sure if I am up to it just yet and I would really like something beyond the revolting food the Asgard had and what the SGC had to offer."

He was absently preparing the bottle as well even as he spoke.

"Here, there's cereal we can eat." Rodney jostled Alex a little, fitting the bottle liner into the bottle. "It's not gourmet, but. Honey Nut Cheerios."

"Food of the gods," Carson replied. "At least to me. Apparently the Asgard food is not focused on taste, more on nutrition. I just couldn't stomach it after a while." He smiled at him and handed him the sterilized bottle. "I think I can manage to put out some cereal."

"You should be resting," Rodney reminded him, turning to heat it. The microwave was going to have to serve. "I'm just going to keep saying it until you do."

"Putting cereal in a bowl is scarcely hard work," Carson said, doing just that. "There we go. I promise I will sit down with you. I..." he looked a little embarrassed. "...I don't want to be away from you both. Not even for a little while."

It was hard to not smile and Rodney waited for the microwave to beep. He reached for the handle and gave Alex another jostle. "See? He misses you and he hadn't even met you."

"I did miss you both yes, so much it made me depressed and ill," Carson replied frankly. "I wanted to help you, take care of you both, make sure you weren't stressing too much. I feel a wee bit like I was robbed you know? Thank god I managed to get back in the nick of time."

If Rodney thought about it, he had been cheated. They both had but he wasn't going to gnaw at it just then. "I'm glad you came back at all. You were robbed, but we can make up for this..." Rodney shifted, bumped back a chair at the kitchen table so he could sit down without letting go of the bottle or Alex. He'd already changed a few diapers and just hoped that when he moved to solid food it might turn a little less heinous.

"Let's just say the deadline provided a spur to inspiration," Carson said, getting their milk and sitting down at the table to eat the cereal. "Mmm, I'll have Alex when you're done there so you can eat."

He would have said it was all right, he could hold onto Alex but he had a feeling that Carson wanted to hold Alex as much as Rodney did. "You eat first and then I'll pass him over. I think my sister was exaggerating. Maybe Madison was just a tiny demon."

"All babies are different. My mother has a plethora of stories about us. Seven of us, can you believe it? Some of us were apparently spawns of Satan and a few were angelic." Carson said "I apparently slept 20 hours out of 24 and had to be woken up to eat. My older brother Patrick was the other way around."

Rodney settled into the chair, guiding the nipple of the bottle to Alex's mouth. It was funny to watch him latch on, sucking desperately. Rodney had a feeling that he ate with the same kind of air about him. "When do I get to meet your family? You've met what there is to meet of mine."

"A good point. I had been intending to do that before you gave birth," Carson replied through a mouthful. "I can invite some of them down when we're a bit more settled. I have a few over here lurking around. Alex has a lot of honorary cousins." He went quiet and thoughtful for a moment. "I did wonder about whether John's parents should know about him."

That one hurt his head. "I'm not sure how to approach it. Or if I want to. Couldn't I just mail them a letter? And even then, what did the SGC tell them? That John's MIA or that he's dead? I don't know what cover story they gave for his death."

"Well, we'll find that out, love, before we do anything. He is their grandson if nothing else and it might be comforting to them to know John left a legacy in a son," Carson looked at Alex and smiled. "A wonderful legacy."

Carson was most definitely smitten with Alex - no one could look that goofy by acting.

“I'll call Carter tomorrow and verify the story they were given." He glanced down at the formula in the bottle and started a three count before Alex turned his head, done for the moment. Rodney wasn't surprised. Sometime he'd get through a whole bottle.

 

"There's a good lad," Carson approved, done with his cereal. "May I hold him, Rodney?"

"What, do you think I'll say 'no'?" Rodney scooted his chair sideways towards Carson and held him out. It was easy to pass Alex and he only clung a little before happily latching onto Carson. "See, he likes you."

"Rodney, he can't actually see much more than a foot or so above him at the moment," Carson said, showing disturbing ease at settling a baby. "Well, laddie, that's it. All nice and sleepy hmm?"

"I can't blame him. Nice meal..." Rodney picked up his spoon and started to eat the cheerios. "He yowled at some of the nurses, so I'm taking silence as a good reception whether he can see you or not."

"Cats yowl, babies cry," Carson said, offering Alex a finger, which was immediately gripped tightly and instinctively. "Okay, I'm not going anywhere. Did your Daddy tell on me?"

"Repeatedly. More often than he listened to classical music." Rodney clinked the spoon through the bowl a few times but mostly just watching Carson and Alex. "Trust me, it was a yowl."

"It should figure that you are part cat," Carson said to Alex very seriously. "No biting or clawing though."

Alex yawned, his eyelids drooping shut and flicking open again as if he was afraid of missing something. "Did you call Jeannie?" Carson asked, barely looking up from Alex.

"Oh, shit." Rodney could feel it shoot through him, sensation like a heart attack as he stood up fast and reached for the phone.

Carson looked at him surprise. "Okay, bear in mind I'm fragile so I won't be able to pick up the pieces when she tears you limb from limb," he said, obviously trying not to laugh.

"We'll be lucky if she hasn't reported me as a missing person," Rodney hissed at Carson while he dialed the phone.

The chuckling behind him as the phone rang didn't help.

"Miller residence," Jeannie's voice came through. "Is that you, Mer?"

"Yes, I should have called two days ago and I'm sorry but everything happened all at once and I named him Alex."

"...WHAT?!" It nearly deafened him "Meredith! You've had the baby and you didn't call? Where, where are you? No, wait, you should be here, you can't be alone. How was the birth? Was it difficult? "

Jeannie sounded frantic and Carson got up and jiggled Alex a little as he fussed at the noise before settling on the couch a little further away.

"I'm home and Carson came home which is why I didn't call because he's been in the infirmary and I was there and we just got home. Today. Alex and Carson are on the couch."

"They let him go? Okay, now I really feel out of the loop," Jeannie said. "Am I still coming down? Why am I even giving you the option? I'm coming down."

"I'll pay for your plane ticket," Rodney offered. "I'm sorry, I should've called, but he came back while I was in labor."

"Well, okay... I'll forgive you for that at least. So tell me about my nephew?" Jeannie asked, sounding eager.

"He's wrinkly and red-faced and enjoys eating and sleeping a lot and he yowled at a lot of nurses, even though Carson said that was impossible."

"Oh, yes Maddie did that. She sounded like an angry kitten," Jeannie answered, sounding amused. "So you called him Alex? Good name - how heavy was he? How was the labor?"

"It was hell and Doctor Lam wouldn't give me any of the good drugs. None of them. He was eight pounds, two ounces and he's probably put on at least another two."

Carson chuckled behind him. "They usually lose weight first, Rodney, after being born. Then start putting it on again." He looked like he was settling down for a nap as well.

"That's a good size. Maddie was 7 pounds exactly and that was plenty big enough," Jeannie answered. "I'm surprised you didn't have your own stock."

"Drugs? No, it started while I was at work. Believe me, if I'd had any forethought that Doctor Lam was going to withhold drugs, I would have laid in a stock." Rodney turned to look into the living room, watching Carson lay down with Alex as if he'd never been gone at all. Just like that, back and happy to be there and Rodney could feel a sense of gratefulness that was probably stupid under the circumstances. "He eats like a horse."

"At least we know the McKay genetics have come through loud and proud," Jeannie replied. "Is he sleeping well?"

It looked like Carson and Alex were working on that immediately, Alex sprawling on Carson's chest and Carson lying there with eyelids drooping.

"Yeah. On Carson." Rodney lowered his voice, and stepped back a little into the kitchen, "We're going to take it easy for a few weeks. I'm going to call and demand they give him a sabbatical. He's worked himself past burnt out to get back here."

"So did they let him go or did he finish up what they wanted?" Jeannie asked even as Rodney found himself wanting to get the camera to take a picture.

"He did it." Actually, he was pretty sure that there might be one in Carson's junk drawer in the kitchen, so he started to surreptitiously rummage for it. "He... actually did it. Lam's being brought before the IOA."

"I should damn well think so!" Jeannie said vehemently. "So he's getting a reward of some kind for this? Being the man who saved a species of highly advanced allies?"

It was a little strange to put it in context like that. Nobody had said anything much to Carson about it at all and it probably hadn't crossed his mind.

"I'll hunt that down tomorrow. He needs something. At least a congratulations." Rodney rubbed at his face. "I've seen people get awards for opening doors for other people. This is... huge. And he's just glad to be home. He's smitten by Alex." Not 'the baby' in Rodney's head anymore.

Jeannie laughed a little down the phone at him. "So are you. Look, I'll be up in a few days. You can manage until then?"

"Yeah. Don't worry. We've got enough food and diapers and formula to hide out here for at least a week," Rodney murmured, trying to pull the disposable camera out from under the hammer, and why was there a hammer in the junk drawer, layered with rubber bands? "I think he's going to end up with his father's hair. We were both blond when we were born, weren't we? I remember you were."

"I was like Maddie. You were darker," Jeannie answered. "All fine and fuzzy headed. I have pictures somewhere. I couldn't pass up blackmail material like that. Seriously, Mer, you're feeling okay? It can be pretty exhausting."

"They kept me in the infirmary two days," Rodney admitted a little belatedly. "I was stalling until they'd let Carson out, so this is me with a little more rest than most would've had at this point. Also, when have I ever needed hours and hours of sleep?"

 

"If Alex is like most other babies, you'll be eating those words," Jeannie said. "Look, I better go book some tickets for Maddie and I. I'm coming in as a consultant expert on this baby raising by the way, so you'll be doing all the work. Though you probably don't need me if Carson is back."

"You keep saying if. I can jostle him and make him mumble into the phone if you need proof that I'm not crazy," Rodney suggested, grimacing as he tried to pull the camera free.

"Let him sleep. You'll need it. I can see for myself when I get there," Jeannie said efficiently. "Next time, Mer, phone me first okay?"

He started to agree in that knee jerk way he tended to but then he stopped. "I, uh. I really doubt there's going to be a next time."

Jeannie laughed a little at him. "All new mothers say that," she said. "Get some sleep okay? See you soon."

"Hah hah. Yes, see you soon. Call me when you hit the airport." Maddie and Alex in the house together could be interesting and he figured he had a few days before Jeannie showed up.

A few days and a little time to snap a photograph or two of Carson dozing on the sofa with Alex sprawled limply on his chest.

* * *

It was at another week before Carson really felt he had turned the corner. Fortunately, Rodney had been so focused on Alex that… well, it wasn't that he didn't notice but he was more easily persuaded that everything was fine. And it was really, just he couldn't expect to push himself like that without some fall out.

Jeannie and Madison had come up and that filled their days a little but also helped them have some time together when Jeannie announced she would do one of the early feeds and she and Maddie would be up anyway and they should get a little more rest as some people stayed in hospital recovering for the best part of a week.

Right now he was curled in bed with Rodney, knowing that Jeannie was on duty and not lying there dead to the world as he had been up until now.

He was fairly sure that Rodney was asleep. It was just good to be home and hopefully soon the sense of awe that he was home would fade but for the moment he was just happy to lay in bed and enjoy the sunlight that was creeping through partially opened blinds.

It spilled over Rodney's skin and he liked to just look at Rodney sleeping. He was pretty sure Rodney thought he was crazy because all he needed to do for contentment was to look at him and feel a sense of great satisfaction and warmth. And Alex, little Alex had stolen him away immediately, re-writing his priorities to put him on a par with Rodney, which of course put them both ahead of himself. That was a part of how he fell in love and this was no different. Alex was an alert baby, perfectly happy as long as there were interesting things to explore or comfort to be had when he wanted it. He didn't seem inclined to scream, although if they didn't respond he could… yes, Rodney was right, he yowled rather like an annoyed Siamese cat. But only when he was ignored and most of the time he made what Carson considered normal baby noises so his fears of Cri-du-chat were quickly set aside.

It was funny, in a way. He'd expected there to be some problem settling back in, some standoffishness. He and Rodney hadn't exactly been a normal couple to start with and god forbid anyone ever suggested that Rodney was normal. The suggestion alone would've offended him.

Even so, the ease with which Rodney had let him back in had been amazing. He had after all abandoned them at a critical time even if it hadn't been voluntary and Rodney did remember things like that. He was going to take good care of them both. Rodney was surprisingly hands on with Alex, intent on doing things right. Intent on making up for the shortfalls he'd perceived with his parents and Jeannie was there to encourage every bit of it.

There was a part of Carson that half expected Rodney to hold a grudge, though, because he did nurse a grudge against SG-1, excluding Sam Carter. But he hadn't held a grudge against John after the Arcturus project. Maybe it had to do with where a person fit in his life, as to whether he was going to forgive or not.

Rodney shifted, flopped over onto his stomach.

It made him smile, Rodney's hair all mussed like that and he reached over without thinking to just touch it a little, stroke a little. He was a little overwhelmed that he had in some ways become a father and wondered if John would've felt like this or even more astonished as he had been the natural father. It wasn't fair that John hadn't survived to see his son. It wasn't fair in a way that Rodney hadn't had the real father there with him and had Carson instead. But in his own heart, he was going to think of himself as Alex's father and not just because Rodney asked about the adoption. He was more than half wondering if they could marry and whether that would give them more rights. But he didn't want Rodney to think a proposal was about Alex; he wanted him to know it was about him first and foremost.

It didn't even approach the problem with Rodney's gender. He was still technically female, physically, but he was registered everywhere legally as male and damn proud of it and Carson couldn't see gay marriage occurring in Colorado any time soon. He needed to do research on it, see what was feasible and what wasn't and what wouldn't just outright piss Rodney off. If he had to marry Carson as a woman, well, that just wasn't going to happen. "Hmnh."

"Morning love," he murmured into Rodney's ear even as he kissed the back of his neck. They hadn't even considered sex yet. Not surprisingly considering the giving birth part of things tended to put people off for a while. He arranged himself cuddled up close to him then, just enjoying the contact.

"Mmhmn, time's't?" Rodney shifted, stretching one muscled arm out to ineffectively paw at Carson's side.

"We have some time to lie in bed," Carson answered, smiling. "Jeannie is on breakfast duty, remember?"

"'s right." Rodney shifted, turning onto his side a little and seemed inclined to try to bear hug Carson. "Morning."

"You're not even really awake are you, love?" Carson said with a chuckle, even as he embraced him back and held on to him.

"Hmnh." That was nice, just lazing there with Rodney stretching one leg out lazily, still half attempting to mug onto Carson. They'd done that on weekends before the Asgard had waltzed off with him.

There was a little stirring of anger under his general feeling of relief at the thought of it. But he didn't want to be consumed by it. The Asgard had been facing a species-wide death. A few months and they would've committed suicide. Now they were taller, with far too many sexual characteristics and he suspected a little less detached from things. That had to be good.

"What are we planning today, love?" he murmured. "Did you say we ought to get something for Alex?"

"I... clothes? Something. Shoes. Can't have him in jammies forever, Jeannie said. Think that's a lie and he's just going to get bigger." It was still mumbled but Rodney lifted his head up and looked at Carson blearily.

"Babies do have a habit of doing that yes," Carson answered. "Of course in my family I had 6 older siblings worth of cast offs to wear. There are some embarrassing baby photos of me wearing my sister’s tops somewhere. I told mum she made me bisexual through lack of stereotyping."

It got a quiet snort out of Rodney and he shifted closer, kissing Carson lazily. Just a contact of mouth to mouth, easy and simple. Both of them probably needed to brush their teeth. "You're at least willing to put up with me but I doubt your sister's shirts did that. At least, I hope not or I'll never be able to look her in the eye."

"You haven't met Deirdre. Where do you think I get my legendary patience from? When you're the youngest of that amount of brothers and sisters you get used to not getting your own way." He smiled a little. He suspected his childhood was very different to Rodney's. "We'll buy him a range of clothes for him to grow into."

"Good idea. Also, time-saving," Rodney decided, shifting, squirming and pressing his mouth against Carson's hair. "This is horrible. I'm warm, everything is quiet, you're here, I'm vaguely horny and yet my sister is in the house."

Carson chuckled, feeling a flush of warmth. "I wasn't sure if you would even be ready to think about sex for some time. I take this as a good sign." The squirming was certainly stimulating.

"Mostly, I want to think about birth control before I really think about sex. Thought the testosterone had taken care of that. But, there's a lot that isn't that kind of sex, so it's just the odds that my sister will hear us."

Carson smiled. "I can wait. I've waited five months and a lot longer before we got together." He stroked his skin gently. "I think I'm recovered now. Or thereabouts."

"I know, I just... You, me, bed, nice morning." Rodney gave a ridiculous waggle of his eyebrows and slid a thumb over Carson’s upper arm.

"There will be other mornings, evenings and other times when Alex obliges," Carson said with chuckle. "Welcome to parenthood and the art of finding time for sex around the schedule of the children."

"He can't be any more demanding than Atlantis was," Rodney shrugged, settling to lie back down for a moment, blanketing Carson. It was funny and perhaps a little surreal that he'd missed Rodney through the later stages of his pregnancy. Now he was on the recovery and every day he seemed just a little more male than he had when Carson had been taken. "Baby. Or a city full of morons who don't know when to not touch things."

"I'm seeing the comparison there. But shouting loudly at Alex probably won't work considering I don't think it would work on you and it never did on John," Carson pointed out as he enjoyed the weight on him.

"No, but I just sort of want to hug him and that's different than what I've wanted to do to the rest of them." Rodney shifted and it seemed like he was up to something. Moving a knee slowly.

"Rodney?" Carson looked directly at him. "Is this like a nervous twitch in slow motion?"

It was oddly like some prelude to sex from where he was standing.

“No. I told you, already. I, uh... Haven't even asked if you're still interested, actually. Are you?" Rodney went still.

Carson raised his eyebrows this time. "Rodney, of course I want to. I'm interested in you to the point of obsession. Practically my only time out was thinking of you."

He'd constructed vivid fantasies of Rodney that had pared down to even the simplest of things giving him immense gratification.

"That's insanely flattering." Rodney's voice fell quiet for a moment and he squirmed down a little, shifting the sheets off of his shoulders. "Everyone thought I was insane when I kept saying you'd be back, you'd be back. Like I was insisting John was going to come back. I couldn't let go of the idea that you would come back."

"While there is still breath in my body, I would spend it trying to be with you," Carson said sincerely. "And I know John would do the same if he could've."

"Yes, well, he was a good friend and can we not talk about him right now?" And talking in general seemed to be a delayed point because Rodney reached down to palm Carson's dick.

It had been far too long since anyone had touched him aside from himself and he was quick on the response with a gasp and a barely audible "Oh god, Rodney..."

"I missed the sex, too, but it's really secondary." Rodney gave him one slow stroke and pushed the sheets back more, looking at Carson. "We need to get weight back on you."

"A few weeks of pizza, Chinese and such like and I'll be up to fighting weight," Carson managed when he got his breath back. "Please, Rodney..."

It sounded a little desperate but he was.

He was desperate and felt a little surprised when Rodney shifted, started to kiss his way down Carson's chest. Oh, good god, he wasn't even sure he could last that long.

"I,I think I should tell you, I'm probably going to come soon," he managed eventually. "I..."

It was Rodney and he was being touched and wanted after months of a complete absence of both.

"Good. That's the point," Rodney murmured, shifting his head and licking over Carson's right nipple. "I don't think I'll ever view nipples the same way again, by the way."

"Slightly different when a baby latches on," Carson answered and dear lord, that was just tingling all the way inside of him.

"And with a completely different purpose but I'm thinking that that's just one fetish I can't get behind.” Another lick and Rodney's careful stroking of Carson's dick resumed. His hands were warm from sleep, his thumb rubbing just under the ridge in a way that made Carson want to do more than just groan.

It made him reach to touch Rodney back, to hold and smooth over skin if nothing else. Something or anything to distract himself. "Oh yeah...no, yeah just there..." he babbled finding himself pushing at him.

He was still going to finish too soon for his liking but Carson had a feeling that Rodney wasn't going to care. It had to do with the speed that Rodney was using to stroke him off. Some other time they'd try for slow and romantic.

"Rodney..." It was a hoarse whisper and he really couldn't hold back any longer. Then he was climaxing without any more warning, thrusting into Rodney's grip and it was like a slice of heaven.

Sensation felt a little too sharp but he wanted that, needed that just then, because it reminded him that he really was alive and that it wasn't just a hallucination. That he'd done it and he was home and lying in bed with Rodney and it was all very real.

 

He had to swallow his urge to pant a little and even more embarrassingly he could feel his eyes stinging just a little as if he was going to cry and he'd managed not to do that when he had a damn sight more reason to do so. He had to blink rapidly to try and hold it back.

It would be stupid to cry now that he was finally, finally home, now that everything was going so well. Rodney shifted, kissed his way up along the side of Carson's neck and idly stroked Carson's dick while it started to soften.

"Thank you," he managed. "Thank you, love." No crying, no over sentimentality. He might feel tired and exhausted and emotional but he didn't have to do it. He was recovered now.

Or he should have been. Any more time taken for his recovery would've been silly, Carson had long since decided. "While I appreciate not being taken for granted, you don't have to thank me." Rodney shifted, letting his lips linger against Carson's neck. "I like it as much as you do."

"It seemed the polite thing to do," Carson said lightly. "It's been a long time."

He held on to Rodney, relishing the intimate contact.

Rodney laughed, and pressed his crotch up against Carson's thigh. "Too long. Which reminds me that the SGC is supposed to call today with their verdict on your sabbatical."

"Oh god." Carson had forgotten that and he could feel a flush of anxiety at the mere thought of work. "They'll probably decided they don't want me at all."

Dr Lam wasn't going to forgive the way he'd shouted at her and he was very embarrassed about the whole thing. The truth was, going back to work right now made him get a case of the cold sweats and incipient panic attack.

He needed more than a few days off before he could face it. He needed a few days off and possibly professional therapy, except there was no-where but the SGC where he could even mention any of it.

It was a bastard of a Catch-22 he had going on. Maybe Kate would make a house call. The problem was he saw it almost as a failing somehow. He'd coped on Atlantis when people had tried to kill him. It seemed ridiculous to fall apart over what amounted to just extreme stress, hard work and isolation. "At least I have a lot of savings," he said aloud.

"Money isn't going to be a problem," Rodney murmured. "I've worked out a plan where, after I've done the six weeks of maternity leave, I can telecommute three days a week. It's still not ideal but..."

Carson kissed him. "Rodney..." It was sort of a confession but Rodney needed to know that he was screwed up as well as being screwed over. "I'm a wee bit worried - okay, I'm scared that I've burned out completely."

It made Rodney go still and quiet, neither of which were good signs with Rodney. "No, hey. You did something brilliant and it's not as if it's the last brilliant thought you had."

"It feels like it could be," Carson admitted because just thinking about what he had done gave him a headache. "I...well, I don't mind being a house husband if I turn out to not be able to work anymore."

"Huh." Rodney set his chin on Carson's shoulder and Carson had no idea how he did it that close up but Rodney was looking at him intently, close enough to make Carson want to go cross-eyed just to focus. "I could be all right with that. If you really mean that."

He nodded slowly. "Even if I go back maybe we could both be part time. Or work from home if necessary?" He exhaled. "I know you don't want to trust Alex with just anyone."

"I don't trust day care and I know what babysitters are like. I'll pass," Rodney muttered, sitting up a little. "I understand why Jeannie stayed at home until Madison's old enough to go to school. Things will still come up, but... There's emergency daycare on the base. I'll put in for that tomorrow." It was probably a waiting list of at least six months but Carson wasn't going to tell Rodney that.

"We'll cope. Alex is a lovely baby and good-natured as long as we feed him on time." Carson grinned. "Of all the things you've made in your time Rodney, I'm pretty sure he is your masterpiece."

"I've never had a masterpiece with such a huge amount of gross energy output before." It was a deadpanned comment and Carson chuckled a little when it clicked and he ‘got’ it.

"You better tell Alex to work on those emissions," Carson answered, kissing Rodney. "We should probably go relieve Jeannie of her heroic morning duty."

"After we clean up," Rodney pointed out, "Unless you want to explain to Madison why you smell funny."

"When two men love each other very much..." Carson sing-songed a little and then grinned. "Want to share the shower? Or is that pushing our luck?"

"I think we have time." Rodney pushed the sheets down, stretching slowly. Now that Carson not just ’knew’, but knew Rodney's difference in the carnal sense as well, Rodney was surprisingly at ease with himself around Carson, had been since their relationship had taken that last step.

He did feel an obscure sense of pride that Rodney trusted him that much to share everything he had kept hidden so carefully from everyone else. He'd never do anything to jeopardize that. "Good. Let's go get clean."

It was worth it all for that wicked grin that Rodney gave him once he was standing up, waiting for Carson to head to the bathroom. He had a feeling that the shower might take a little longer than he'd first expected.

* * *

Each week things got a little better for Carson at least. Alex kept him busy enough that he didn't obsess too much over his fears and when he wasn't with Alex, he was taking time with Rodney. He hadn't been lying about being willing to be Alex's main carer if Rodney had to work. It would be better than being useless and the SGC had tentatively granted the sabbatical rather surprisingly without firing him.

But after six months, who knew what they'd want to do with him? It was six paid months, paid months to relax and try to get his health back together. Jeannie had gone to a sporting goods shop and had a treadmill delivered. He suspected that it was on one of Rodney's accounts. So, he had no excuse for letting himself go completely to pot and neither did Rodney, which he suspected had been Jeannie's goal.

He had been embarrassingly bad at it the first time he used it but now he could at least run on it for a reasonable distance before he got off and his legs turned to jelly.

He'd just finished his session on it and had a shower and had changed into a set of clothes Alex had so far failed to throw up on or pee on when there was a knock at the door.

At least he didn't have to worry about where Alex was. For a baby, he definitely had a sense of what not to touch and then made a mad grab for it just because it was off limits. He was going to be hell once he got mobile. As it was, he was safely in the study napping while Rodney experimented with god knew what. Which left Carson with door duty.

He just hadn't expected to see General O'Neill.

"Hello. Can I come in?"

He knew he probably looked alarmed at his appearance but he couldn't help that. He had been winding down and seeing him there was like a shot in the arm of adrenalin.

"General O'Neill. Uh sure, come in," he offered warily. "Um, if you want to see Rodney, he's in the study with Alex. Do you want me to get him for you?"

It seemed obvious to him that he was after Rodney; he just hoped it wasn't something like taking away his telecommuting rights away.

"No, not looking for him. I wanted to speak with you for a minute." The general smiled tightly at him, and stepped inside, closing the door behind himself. "I take it Doctor McKay has installed jammers?"

"Aye." He nodded, his mouth going dry as he went momentarily terrified that the Asgard were going to drag him off again. "You want to talk to me? I...uh..."

He stopped talking knowing he sounded flustered. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Ah, no, but thanks. I've learned to not accept drinks in homes where people might be inclined to poison me. Not you but..." O'Neill canted his eyes to the ceiling, as if to imply Rodney. "I wanted to talk about your work with the Asgard."

"Oh. Right," Carson said a little nervously and smiled as he gestured to a seat in the living room even as he sat down himself. "Have a seat. How can I help you?"

What if it had gone wrong? If he'd made a mistake and missed something despite all the testing because that was all it took, one tiny microscopic error and suddenly he had a genocide to his name. Not that he had decided to do that, but he took responsibility for it.

O'Neill sat down and threw him another tight smile. "Did you have to make them so damn tall?"

"It is a little disconcerting isn't it?" Carson said, fidgeting with his hands a little. "Sorry about that...that's the way the genetic material came out."

"It's disconcerting and only some of them are starting to consider clothing. I just had a talk with Thor about how clothes protect the, uh, dangly bits." He grimaced, gesturing and glanced around the room.

"Look, we can't do a big awards ceremony over this. But I've put you up for a big cash award and you have your paid sabbatical. Maybe 5% of the Asgard were in cloned forms too badly degraded for your virus to be effective. You saved our best ally."

Carson blinked a bit, trying to absorb what was being said. "So I'm not in trouble?" he asked slowly. Rodney had told him he was too locked in a depressed mindset to have perspective on what he had done but to him it had seemed like he hadn't had anything but negative feedback. "Begging your pardon but the last conversation I had with my line manager left me with the distinct impression that the general opinion of me was...well, not favorable."

He hesitated a moment as what O’Neill had said caught up with him. "Dangly bits? Really?" His brain derailed at the thought of an Asgard in a thong.

"Right, well. When you have a problem with your immediate supervisor, the trend that we military people expect is that you carry your problems with your supervisor up the chain of command. That'd be me, by the way, I'm General O'Neill, nice to meet you."

 

Carson had never dreamed of going to General O'Neill about anything. "General, that's nice to hear but it's not like I had any reason to think that people considered that viewpoint to be unfair. Because ever since I got back from Atlantis..." He hesitated. "My reputation apparently preceded me. Dr Lam started me on the Asgard research then took it away from me when I produced a line if development she believed would be morally dubious, putting me on Infirmary and surgery duty. Then I hear or over hear when I get back that my absence had been a cause for relief or celebration. And maybe I'm a little stretched and pretty much at the nervous breakdown point but I'm trying to work out how I was meant to come to you about it."

"We just sort of assume that you civilians know that it's the general theme we follow. We... look, Doctor Lam got her nose bent out of joint because you had done good research. I was under the understanding that when you were here, you'd be doing your genetic research and then helping her on the side when we had the... usual emergencies that we have at the SGC. When squid people attack and a lot of people are bleeding. But Doctor McKay made it pretty clear in your absence that he thought we'd just written you off and that wasn't true. We weren't getting correct reports from Doctor Lam." O’Neill didn’t look particularly comfortable or happy about that

Carson frowned. "Really? But, I mean she's an excellent CMO and as a doctor I can more than half understand why people might act like that to me if they believe that I'm some sort of modern day Mengele. I can see that she might allow her bias to show through but surely she didn't give incorrect information?"

That actually really shocked him and he did at least partly believe he deserved some of the condemnation.

"We were under the impression that your research had stalled, which… Hey, it happens with scientific research." O'Neill tilted his head up. "He's not upstairs, down on the floor with a stethoscope or something, is he? Because that's something Jackson would do, too."

"I have no idea," Carson said a little faintly. "Rodney? If you're listening you might as well come in."

He felt shocked at the revelation. "General, I, I have no idea how I could work in the SGC right now, even if I had more than a brain cell to rub together right now. I went a wee bit nuts under the pressure there and trying to get home."

"I've done burnout." O'Neill tilted his chin up a little, looking at Carson. "Look. Don't think about work for six months. We're keeping your spot open. Doctor Lam has needed some cross training in other sectors of the project for a while now. We'll be putting in a new CMO, temporarily, and if you want it when you get back... "

He could feel himself react to the suggestion and he wasn't sure if he wanted that, but it did his confidence a power of good to hear it. "I'll... I 'll think about it. Thank you." He cleared his throat. "How are the Asgard doing, you said you've seen them? Thor?"

"I've seen Thor. He's... They're. It's going to take some getting used to but they're still them. I think they have some adjusting to do, themselves." O'Neill grinned a little and turned his head at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. "If you don't want the CMO position, come back anyway. We can put you under science, not medical."

"Aye, well I did warn them. The odds are they might get a little more kick –ass, not to put too fine a point on it," Carson said. "Thor might get to be a doting father soon." He looked around to see Rodney coming down with Alex and wondered what he'd heard.

"Thank you for a thought I never wanted to have." Rodney came down the stairs at a pretty decent clip, heading towards Carson. "Alex wants cuddle time and I'm not cutting it. General O'Neill -- oh, hey."

Carson put his arms up and received Alex in a seamless hand over that they had perfected. By the time he looked up he could see General O'Neill watching him with a faint hint of a wistful expression. Of course, he'd lost his son to a tragic accident. That was how it had all begun. "He does like his attention," he commented. "If I take a different role, it might be more to do with Alex than to do with what happened."

"Right, well. Doctor McKay's already agreed to work via telecommute and if you two want to trade a little adventure for a lowered likelihood that you'll be shot, hey, I can't blame you." O'Neill shifted, watching Alex cling happily to Carson's shirt. Sometimes Carson suspected that Alex preferred him better some days because he tended to wear more patterned shirts than Rodney.

Babies liked the color contrasts and he'd tried explaining that to Rodney. He smiled down at Alex.

"I wouldn't mind at some point seeing the research I actually did," Carson said tentatively. "So I can write it up properly without a timer ticking down. That would be good."

"We'll get that data for you but we'll have to hold it at the SGC. The Asgard are way way past top secret clearance and can't just be carried around." O'Neill tilted his head slightly, peering at Alex. "You know, they're so cute at this stage and then somewhere along the way they grow up and turn into Doctor McKay over there."

"Hah hah. I knew I should have built the ejector seat into the sofa when I had the chance."

Carson chuckled even as Alex latched on like a limpet. "And he would as well. Would you mind asking if I could know about the first one of them who... you know, is successfully fertile? I guess then I might believe it was a real success."

"Sure, not a problem.” O’Neill started to stand up. "I'll get back to you next week about that award. You know, put it towards paying off your house here or invest it or throw it at the little guy's college fund. Whatever you want to do. Doctor McKay, pleasure to see you not all weirded out like a balloon."

"Oh, believe me, the pleasure is all mine." Rodney stuck his hand out to shake O'Neill's.

In a bizarre way it reminded him of some of the exchanges John and Rodney used to share. "Thank you for coming around personally, General." He could've sent a minion. He really didn't have to come himself and that probably meant something

"Believe me, not a problem. You just saved out greatest ally from committing mass suicide. It was really nothing." O'Neill smiled when he said that and turned to let himself out, with Rodney following probably to lock and batten the door behind him.

Carson looked down at Alex who was watching him with wide blue eyes and trying apparently to investigate the inside of his nose, while clinging on to his shirt. "Don't you go getting this one dirty as well, Alex," he warned.

"We should invest in detergent companies," Rodney declared while he walked back towards the living room. "He was so good."

"Who, Alex?" Carson smiled. "But he's always good - when he's not projectile vomiting."

"I have it on good word that that's normal for babies," Rodney declared as he sat down beside Carson. "Did I miss anything important, other than someone from the SGC giving you the recognition you deserve."

"Apparently an award, the sabbatical and if I want it the CMO job when I go back," Carson answered, wincing a little as Alex got a grip on his nose. "Ow."

Rodney reached out and gently uncurled Alex's hand for Carson. "He has nails like a kitten. I think we need to get tiny nail scissors."

"I don't want to damage them. I have to admit, I don't know a lot about that," Carson answered. "I think I'm still in shock though."

"That you're not singularly reviled by your peers? I actually wondered if I'd lost perspective somewhere in there, but no, I don't think I had. At one point I wondered if we were some demonic science practicing team because everything I ever tried was protested by Radek, but... no, no, I know we did good things in Pegasus. And the Ancients blew the chance to have super-intelligent humans scurrying around doing their busy work like well-trained mice. And hey, they lasted, what, three weeks in the city that we lived in for three years, no small part because you augmented the ATA genes in everyone who had it." Rodney faltered a little and his eyes dropped to Alex. "And actually, just what kind of ATA gene would an augmented and a natural give?"

"A natural gene. It's dominant to the activated version but the combination would be active. He’s likely to have a strong expression though," Carson said. As strong as John's or possibly stronger. "But then we already knew he was special."

He tickled Alex a little to make him gurgle with good humor and smiled. It was easier to talk about Alex than about himself. He had been moping, depressed and maybe it was explicable and he'd been pushed to the limits but even so he'd lost confidence in the validity of everything he had done. He wasn't like Rodney, he didn't believe implicitly in his own intelligence.

Rodney was sure of himself even when he was wrong and though it was disconcerting, he at least had a healthy ego. "This subject change was just an aside, Carson."

Carson shrugged a little, which made Alex giggle. "I still don't know if I want the position. I don't want to be the one pushing her out and there's this wee fellow here. Being a CMO is fairly time consuming."

"Then move to science. Keep doing your research. The next thing you come up with might be a cure for all disease. Don't just..." Rodney waved a hand, and then petted it down Alex's back. "Give up."

He wasn't going to give up, he knew that. Not now. "Giving up would be a bad example to Alex." He did want to do things like... like there had been that research into regeneration based on the Wraith healing mechanisms. He was pretty sure he could isolate either an active substance or a gene therapy. No Alzheimer's for Rodney. Then there had been the promising extracts that were terribly effective on cancer. Or his secret project of... well, doing something like he had done with the Asgard but not designed to regress but to regenerate to the existing pattern. They were achievable things, all of them. "There's a lot I could do, I know that. Just like you."

The edges of Rodney's mouth came up in a smile and he leaned in a little closer. "Keep saying it and maybe you'll believe it, too. It's all voodoo to me, but it works, so..."

"That makes me your own private magician," Carson said with a smile and leaned to kiss him.

It was going to get better. He had some way to go in terms of dealing with the damage that had been done to a personality already inclined to believe the worst about himself and the best about others. But all he needed was just a little support and he'd bounce back eventually. And with Rodney there, sooner rather than later.

Rodney kissed him back slowly, more for the closeness than arousal and when he pulled back, he chuckled. "I bet Alex wonders why his daddies keep doing that. You get to give him the talk. I’m calling anti-dibs on that now."

"Alex is going to learn about love before anything else," Carson said. "In my experience, pretty much everything sorts itself out after that point no matter what happens. We'll just have a very friendly, equal opportunities little boy."

"If he has any of my capacity towards neuroticness, we'll still have a mess on our hands." Rodney rubbed at Alex's back for a moment, just peering at him before he pulled back a little. "Hey, I was going to make some of that tea you bought. It's sort of got a coffee-like kick. Do you want a cup?"

"Please. I think I could use it," he replied and sat back half smiling. He was getting paid to be here. He was getting some sort of award and maybe he hadn't completely fucked up for once. Maybe one day he'd get to see the first new Asgard or see one ascend and know it was his DNA that made it happen. That was something to hold on to.

It was something a little past amazing but it wasn't ready to be processed yet and even when it did, Carson didn't think he'd ever have confidence like Rodney did.

But with Rodney there, he had more than enough confidence for the both of them.

* * *

Worst case scenario, Rodney decided that he could turn it into a beach vacation, complete with crab cakes and slathering Alex in sunscreen.

They wouldn't have had to fly out there over a long weekend if the Sheppard family bastards had a hobby other than hanging up the phone and refusing to listen. He had half a feeling that they'd slammed the door in the face of the officers who'd notified them of John's death.

All he wanted to do was tell them they had a grandson or, nephew, cousin or whatever. He didn't expect anything from them but Carson was right. It was one thing to know someone was gone and another to know they hadn't left anything behind. Because John's legacy was shrouded in secrets and that hurt more than a little that the people who would've cared were probably never going to know. But they could know Alex if they wanted and they could see that there was some degree of John left in the world.

"Is this the place?" Carson said with a frown. "Bloody Hell, look at it. John never said anything about... well, this."

Rodney craned back in the driver's seat of their rental car, grimacing at the closed front gate. "This, this is the kind of hell I never wanted Alex exposed to. I think those are stables I see in the background, which we never had at home but..."

"Was I the only one who came from a poor background?" Carson asked in general. Alex was sleeping at least, although he would probably kick up a fuss for food in an hour or so. "One of seven, sharing rooms, passed down clothes..."

"Upper middle class with parents who spent to keep up with the Joneses, actually. We lived next door to an actual Jones family, too, which made the joke actually effective. I had all of the piano lessons I wanted and parents who wouldn't even say hi to me when I came home."

"I had nothing much and brothers and sisters that alternately tormented me, played with me and rescued me, depending on what was going on," Carson said. "And my mum who would want to know all about my day and hug me when I got in."

That's what he wanted for Alex, that sort of home, combined with the opportunities he had.

But that level of love, that was what Rodney wanted Alex to have. "Well, time for some breaking and entering... or, oh, wait, we can use the bell like we're a delivery truck!”

"A very special delivery. Where did I put those papers and test results?" Carson asked, reaching around. "I think it's fairly likely they won't believe us so I'm glad I got some of the tests done."

"Oh, no, I'm sure they'll demand blood tests at their own testing facility and don't be surprised if this sets off some horrible protracted series of events," Rodney grimaced. If they even thought about custody, he'd have them killed. By his lawyer. In front of a judge. And then quietly back in the horse stables when everyone had thought it was over.

"Yes well, their lawyers would be up against the SGC lawyers who will not allow anything to happen to Alex. We can make this quick though," Carson suggested. "If they are not likely to be receptive. We tried to call, we tried writing - there's every evidence that they're not interested. It might not be us, it might have to do with John."

"Well, fuck them. Look, after this I can just let it go guilt free and not ever think twice about these people again," Rodney rattled off, waiting for some kind of hint that the gate was going to open for them.

It appeared that somebody had made the decision to risk them entering and the gates swung open.

"Impressive," Carson said. "And yes. I agree. But we need to do this."

"I wish I could say that I don't know why they'd not want something to do with John, but I know how these people think. It's all about appearances." Rodney shifted his hands on the steering wheel and coasted into the driveway.

"We should've bought Alex a little tuxedo then," Carson joked as they drove up towards the house. "Hey... stables. They had horses."

"Probably still have, that's what I was saying. This place stinks of new money. Or possibly old money. Oil barons all tend to seem this way," Rodney muttered, coasting his car to a stop and putting it in park. "Right, let's get this over with. I'm so sorry this is going to be hellish."

"They could be lovely charming people," Carson said even as he got Alex up in the carrier and open the doors. "Smile, love or try to."

"They could have fangs but I know they'll be wearing Armani," Rodney decided, waiting for Carson to get out so he could lock the doors.

Carson got out carrying Alex and stood politely waiting as Rodney locked the car and they approached the house. There was nothing much for it now but to knock on the door.

The part of him that he'd always credited with getting him out of most jams wanted to turn and run screaming but Rodney knew they couldn't. Not after literally having travelled so far. Rodney stepped up, and knocked hard.

There was a pause and he idly wondered if they had been vetted somehow by a crack team of nameless servants because the person who came to the door was no servant.

"Yes?" the tall man asked and there was enough of a resemblance to John that he could figure a family connection.

"I’m looking for Dave Sheppard or alternatively, Patrick Sheppard Senior." Rodney peered at the man who'd opened the door. "And at a guess I'm going to assume you're either an exceedingly well paid pool boy or you're Dave Sheppard."

He heard Carson clear his throat behind him but ignored that.

"My name is David Sheppard. Who are you?" he said coolly, flicking a glance at Carson.

"Doctor Rodney McKay and this is Doctor Carson Beckett. We were friends of John. He was the Lt. Colonel at the head of our expeditionary team."

He seemed to at least have a passing familiarity with their names - perhaps he had read a letter before shredding it.

"I see." Dave Sheppard looked at them both. "My father doesn't like to talk about him. What is it you wanted to say?"

Doesn't like to talk about him? Rodney grimaced as he looked back at Carson. "I'm sure that everyone mourns differently and while I respect your family's right to behave bizarrely about a good officer who died on a job he loved, I thought you might want to meet John's son."

"...Right." Dave gave them an odd look. "His son. Look, I know what your game is. How dare you intrude on us like a... vulture!"

His voice rose as he swung into righteous outrage. "You hear that he's from a wealthy family and you want a piece and..."

"Hold on just a bloody moment," Carson said, stepping forward and with that tone that managed to quell even Marines in his infirmary. "I think you better stop now, lad, before those feet you have wedged in your mouth need some surgical attention. We don't want anything from you. In fact, we will be perfectly happy if we don't speak to you or your family again, but we thought it might help you to know that John left a son."

It was exactly the reaction Rodney had expected. That was always the first thought that people with that much money had, so he couldn't really be shocked. But he could be quietly disgusted. "If you don't want to know him, that's fine. I'm not here about money but out of some misguided attempt to not have to explain to Alex ten years from now that, yes, his father had a family and no, I never bothered to tell them about him."

Dave looked a little disconcerted by that. "Well why else would you do this?"

"Look, lad, you lost your brother - we lost a good friend," Carson said. "John didn't really talk about his family and there comes a point in a child's life when they want to know where they came from. We're not going to lie, because if you don't want to know them, then it won't because of us."

"What part of 'money’ isn't an issue hasn't sunk in for you? I'd just like for Alex to know that he has relatives out there other than my side of the family, people who might be able to tell him more about his father than we can tell him." That didn't even enter the part where he was going to have to explain who the mother was. If Carson hadn't been standing behind him, he would have bolted already.

Dave exhaled. "Look, my father hasn't been well. Really not well and since we heard about John, well things have gotten worse. We've had people try this sort of thing in the family before." He paused. "But someone getting pregnant because of John is not an issue we ever thought of."

The way that John got around in Pegasus, Rodney had occasionally wondered why it hadn't been an issue before him. "Yeah, well. It was a complicated situation. It was during the events that led to his death."

Carson cleared his throat. "Would you mind if we sat down somewhere to discuss this? Alex is a wee bit heavier than he used to be."

Dave looked at him and then nodded curtly. "Come in. I'd like to know more of what happened aside from what those bastards told us, even if Dad doesn't."

Bastards. Well, it was a term that Rodney occasionally applied to O'Neill but he bristled a little at someone else applying it to the man. It was still a good thing that he'd worked on the story about what had happened to John. "Thank you."

They were ushered inside and that was just as impeccably tasteful as Rodney expected from someone who undoubtedly had interior designers to do everything. The couch alone probably cost a monthly salary and his salary was no drop in the ocean.

Drinks it seemed were going to arrive by osmosis of servants without being asked.

"So, who's the mother?" Dave asked even as he sat and Carson followed suit with Alex.

"I am." Yeah, he hadn't practiced that part of it. "I, uh, I'm a female to male transsexual and I haven't had all of the surgeries." Rodney waved one hand slightly, because it was easier. Sometimes he just didn't need to explain the whole world and all the details of it to a stranger.

"You're... You're the mother?" Dave was staring at him. "You have to be kidding me."

"Before you say it is a sick joke," Carson interrupted, "It is true. I have brought copies of the genetics profile of them both. We half expected disbelief. Lord knows it caused enough when others found out."

"Okay, you tell me how it happened. How did pregnancy with a transsexual lead to John's death."

Rodney snorted and peered over at Carson and Alex for a moment. "One didn't lead to the other. We were captured by the enemy and tortured. There were people of other citizenry there. When the enemy commander had us strip searched he decided to have a little fun at John's expense and forced us to have sex at gunpoint. Things went downhill from there but when we escaped, John freed some of the other prisoners on the way out. We headed back to a rendezvous site that we already knew about. The enemy had started to close in and he hung back to lay cover fire with another prisoner who shot him." Rodney shifted, looking down at his hands. It was close enough to being shot -- being fed on. "Point blank, center mass of his chest. Return missions to retrieve John's body were a failure."

"He was rescuing another prisoner who shot him? And you got clear?" Dave asked.

Carson was close to him by then, lending support.

"I got clear," Rodney agreed quietly. Right through the gate and then they'd come back and... and nothing. No John. Not even a body. "I'm sorry. I knew John for almost four years and he was... he was amazing. Everyone in the unit respected him and he never left anyone behind."

That actually seemed to give Dave a twist of pain. "Yes he did," he said with bitter finality. "He left me behind. He damn well knew what he was doing."

Rodney lifted his eyebrow a little, sitting up straighter. "What happened? If you mind me asking. Because the John Sheppard I knew was not a, a mean-spirited guy."

"We were meant to be partners. Take over the family business together, let dad retire. We had to be the best at what we did, learn how to be businessmen but.." Dave pause. "He didn't want that. As if 'want' had anything to do with it. He was brilliant at figures and math. Apple of dad’s eye. He was going to be the next genius to hit the world trade scene and okay, dad pushed him. Pushed him hard. No slack and John pushed right back. Wanted to waste himself. Join the Air Force. Dad forbade it the moment he realized it wasn't because he wanted to become a politician down the road. Things got complicated. John could... could be very stubborn. He announced he was bisexual. Queer. There was this man and Dad made the embarrassment go away. They had a helluva fight. Dad, he lost his temper..." He shook his head.

"And they haven't spoken since?" Rodney guessed, watching Dave's expression. "John was a brilliant pilot -- he flew test rigs for a while. I wouldn't call that a waste. He made it to Lieutenant Colonel and I have no doubt that he would have made it to General if he hadn't been killed." Hell, if O'Neill had made it, John damn well could have.

"It had been both of us. It was meant to be both of us but..." David looked at them. "I didn't. John took all the flak and Dad said some unforgiveable things, I won't deny that. Blamed John for mom dying. Right at the end he hit him and John just picked himself up, turned around and walked out of the house with nothing but the clothes on his back.

"And I always wondered why John was so tight lipped about his family," Rodney mused. "Now that makes more sense. He was top of his ROTC class, by the way. If you didn't know. Brilliant. Just -- I mean, he had a Master degree in mathematics. I used to joke about how he pretended to be stupid so people would like him but he was Mensa-smart and could usually pick up on what we scientists were talking about."

"Always could do that," Dave said. "But he left and that meant I couldn't." He exhaled. "Dad was right about him getting himself killed."

"He tried to get the other prisoners out of there alive." Rodney shrugged. "It... I know that the commander would have liquidated the facility when we escaped, so I know what John was thinking. I might think it was stupid of him but I know what he was thinking. He wouldn't have been John if he thought anything else."

Dave looked uncomfortable with that. "I always thought John would come back one day, step in and..."

"No, no he hated that," Carson said.

"He hated filing mission reports. He hated deskwork." Rodney shrugged. "If I were looking for him in the base, I could always find him in an exercise room or the firing range. He was Black-ops for the Air Force, you know. I don't think it’s so much of a secret now that he's dead. I mean, if he told you and you thought he was crazy, no, I can back that up and so can Carson."

"Aye. He was the bravest man I've ever known," Carson added. "It does him a disservice to remember him as anything less than a hero and a good friend."

"He saved all of our lives more times than I can count. Our mission usually ran about 300 people deep and he was responsible for keeping all of us alive in the face of a lot." Rodney cleared his throat. "So, I thought you and his father deserved to know that John left a son. By accident, yes, but... Still family."

Dave nodded. "Okay, I get it. But Dad... I don't know. He'll either ignore the whole thing or..." He shook his head. "I don't really know."

"Right, well. I live out in Colorado, so it's going to be a while before we can try this again because long weekends are a precious commodity. We might as well give it a shot while Carson and I are here and Alex is still behaving." It was one of the many times that Rodney was grateful that Alex was a good baby. He was probably going to be a demanding, obnoxious toddler but for the moment he was happy and maybe a little spoiled, if anyone could spoil a baby.

"He'll want proof," Dave said almost a little apologetically. "He always wants proof."

"Will this do?” Carson pushed over the folder with the DNA profiles in it and sworn statements from the military doctors.

"Probably not. He'll want our own tests run," Dave answered.

"Then before we go, you can take a hair sample from Alex," Carson suggested. "He might believe you."

"He might not," Rodney muttered, glancing over to watch Alex bobble along. He always seemed to be watching, just taking it in, eyes bright and sometimes he waved a hand fiercely when he'd seen something interesting. "But we'll try. Believe me, though, that test is right. The command had to make sure Alex wasn't the enemy commander's. When I found out he was John's it was at least a relief. I know if John were still alive, he'd be involved."

"He probably would," Dave agreed with an exhale. “He loves... loved kids. Dad always said it was because he was a big kid himself, not serious enough."

It sounded like John had had a lot of pressure in his life to be something he just couldn't imagine John ever being. Rodney just couldn't see how anyone would think John would turn into a stuffed shirt.

"Nancy will be pleased to hear he had a kid at least."

"Who's Nancy?" Carson asked curiously, checking on Alex who was half waking up now.

"His ex-wife," Dave replied. "Dad approved, so that was probably the kiss of death on it all."

Rodney exhaled, turning to stare at Dave. "Huh. He never said anything about her." Rodney wasn't surprised, though. Ex-wife.

"There were too many mysterious absences, calls in the middle of the night," Dave said. "No one was ever sure exactly what it was about or if the missions were actually missions."

"Seems to me that you were all prepared to assume the worst about Colonel Sheppard," Carson answered. "I notice a trend."

"It's not like that..."

"Oh really? Because that's what it seems like," Carson said mildly. "If he did as your father wanted then things were fine. If he didn't then he was disowned."

"Some day our work is going to be declassified and if you're still alive when it is, your jaw will drop. John did amazing things. I wish you and your father could know." It left him bristling because while his sister had briefly thought the same about him. She’d at least known that he'd sold out to the government and was paranoid enough to understand that it meant weird.

"When it is declassified, Alex will have a Nobel winner for a father as well," Carson murmured.

Dave didn't look like he had completely taken that information on board but Rodney wasn't bothered by that.

"I'll have a talk with Dad. Truth is he's, well he hasn't got long. He's had a few regrets about John so maybe he might be receptive," Dave said.

"Do you want us to leave and come back, or...?" Rodney was honestly ready to bolt. "We're going to be at a hotel not far from here."

"That might be best," Dave acknowledged. "He might fly off the handle. He has that sort of temper. "

"Or we could stay. I mean, I've faced down crazy people. Carson was a CMO, a little yelling will just get Alex going..." Rodney shrugged. He could go either way. "Or I could give you my cell phone number. We're just here for a few days. Might take in some museums." Something with bright colors, which were Alex's favorite things.

"If you're willing to try..." Dave said. "Have some of the drinks, I'll go have a word." He got up smoothly, a little less intimidating now than he had been.

"We'll be fine," Carson answered with a smile and Alex made a curious sort of noise as he yawned.

Like he was yawning and then he forgot what to do with the back end of the yawn. "He'll be hungry soon and then he'll throw a fit." Like he had in the airport and that had just been an embarrassing agony. Like he didn't know that his son was screaming. And the plane ride, and... okay, so it had been a long trip and before the museum, sleep was going to come.

"I have a bottle," Carson said. "If there is a microwave to warm it in." He seemed to effortlessly coordinate all those baby related things, like the way one of his favorite toys was produced from somewhere for him to play with.

Rodney needed to learn how to do that, needed to be a better father/mother whatever he was, but mostly he wasn't nearly as successful as Carson. At least Alex still liked him, Rodney supposed. "We can ask after the fall out."

"Are you okay with this?" Carson asked softly. If there was shouting going on then it was soundproofed somewhere, at least for now.

"With what?" He shifted, leaned forwards to pet the soft hair at the back of Alex's head. It was a little thinner there from laying on it. Alex had a definite left-sided preference for which way he liked to face when he slept.

"Well, it's not exactly the welcome of the prodigal grandson here," Carson said. "Some of the implications... well.."

"It sounds a lot like my family," Rodney shrugged. "I could, in fact, write down the conversation that we’re about to have but I don't think you brought a legal pad and it's going to be depressing regardless of form. I'm offering them the chance. If they flake out or don't actually care then I did what I could and we go visit your family the next chance we get." Carson's mother had talked to him on the phone and demanded that Alex be put on the phone and while that was a *trip*, they wanted Alex a little older for that length of trip, yeah. He could do that. Carson's family and Jeannie and that would be more than enough for Alex. More family than Rodney and Jeannie had ever known.

If there was one thing that drove him was the fact that even with all his apparent social dysfunctions and ineptitude, he was still going to be a better parent than his parents were.

"My mum would love that," Carson smiled. "Although I was very much in trouble for being incommunicado when I was away."

Rodney grimaced a little. "She was nice to me, which always counts in my book. She was nice in general," Rodney murmured. Better than John's family. It was really about as surprising as the sun rising and setting that they were buggers.

"Do you think I came by it without training?" Carson said with a smile.

There was a sound behind them and Rodney looked around to see a much older man striding towards them, David following him. "Apparently you've fooled my son here, but you won't fool me," he said in a rasping voice. "Convenient you turn up with an heir when I am about to die."

"Dad, I told you they're not interested in that."

"David, sometimes you are hopelessly naive," Patrick Sheppard was tall and thin and had probably been a handsome man in his day. But his eyes were dark and he had none of the boyish charm John had sometimes exuded.

He looked more like his son Dave than John. Rodney stood up, extending his hand. "Hello, I'm Doctor Rodney Meredith McKay. I have no interest at all in your life, death, or any other state of being, I'm just here to offer John's family an opportunity to know his son."

"So I hear," the older man said, deliberately snubbing the proffered hand. "And I'm supposed to be overjoyed that the son that wasted his life and did not talk to me for years at a time, got himself killed and had a baby with .a sexual freak?"

"Dad!" David sounded horrified.

"Well, look at him." John's father gestured. "A transsexual?"

Carson cleared his throat and he looked angry. "Yes, why don't you look at him?" he said in a rather deathly tone. "Because you might actually see the pre-eminent mathematician and astrophysicist in the world. You sir, with your accusations and your certainty that you know everything and are right in every opinion are frankly a disappointment. I expected the man who was father to John Sheppard to be more than a petty close minded bigot. If you cannot open your eyes and see someone trying to do you a favor or even John in the face of Alex here, then we will go, and you won't hear from us ever again. And we're not going to waste precious time and energy trying to persuade you of a fact."

"I'm here because John doesn't have the opportunity to meet Alex himself. He's dead and since he died while saving my life, I thought 'Hey, I should give his family a chance to know Alex exists', and maybe that was misplaced. If you want nothing to do with him, that's fine." Rodney shrugged his shoulders.

Patrick Sheppard Senior stared at them both. He seemed singularly humorless. "You have insulted me under my own roof and..."

"Oh don't even think that I couldn't say more," Carson answered. "I will not let you cast Rodney as a villain here. What I don't understand is why you are getting so wound up about this when you so obviously have secondary cancer in your lungs and the prognosis is months at most."

John's father shot a look at David who shrugged and said, "I didn't tell him."

"I'm a doctor," Carson said. "The signs are obvious."

He'd have to ask Carson about that later, how it was obvious, because the guy looked weak around the edges, but when Dave looked at him, Rodney just raised his eyebrows up at the man. "I'm not here to argue or insult you or your son, Dave. We can just as well go back to the hotel, hit a few museums tomorrow, and fly back to Colorado. No skin off my nose."

"So I'm to believe that suddenly I have a grandson?" Patrick Sheppard Senior asked.

"Well, there was the usual 9 months involved, which isn't that sudden," Carson quipped. “Aye, you do."

"Oh, and you Dr Beckett, what is your involvement? Procurer of DNA test results and official looking bits of paper?"

Carson looked at him. "No. I'm Rodney's partner. I will be Alex's adoptive father."

"Even if he's not your son?" the elder Sheppard pushed.

"Blood has a lot less to do with family than you would think," Carson answered. He seemed to be realizing something. "You changed a lot when John's mother died didn't you? I think I can see now why John was never going to be good enough in your eyes because nothing ever would've been ever again."

"But John had a family in our unit. He had friends. He was doing well and Lieutenant Colonel is nothing to sneeze at. It should've been good enough for you."

It had been a family. The team, Carson, Elizabeth, Radek, Lorne...and at the heart of it John and his laid back smile.

John's father went silent to the point that David said "Dad?" and sounded worried.

He turned back to them both. "I want a test done by my people. Then we'll talk."

"Fine. What do you need for the test?" He was tempted to let the man do the test and then never allow him to have any contact with Alex but that would've been cruel.

"Hair with skin tag would be best," Carson said. "Tweezers and a sample bag of some description."

"David." Patrick nodded to him and he evidently went to organize these items. "I still don't believe you."

"Aye, I think we've got that message," Carson said. "Would you like to hold him? Considering the moment you pull his hair he will bawl and we'll have to take him home."

"I…uh..." But Carson was already putting him in the older man's arms with a brief smile and stepping back as Alex worked his own brand of charm.

He really was well behaved and Rodney was going to have to tell Jeannie all about how good he'd been on their trip to hell and back. "He ended up with his father's pointy little ears."

If that didn't mark him out as John's he didn't know what else would. Alex bounced and waved his hands around even as John’s father automatically moved to cradle him. Exactly what he was seeing as he looked at Alex so intently, Rodney wasn't sure but he looked and was sure he could see a little bit of a glisten of moisture there in his eyes.

There was still going to be a paternity test, Rodney knew. "He's a good baby and he has a good home. I told Dave that if John had lived long enough to see the end of our mission, he'd be in Colorado with Carson and I and I don't doubt that he'd be involved with Alex. John was family."

"The three of you?" he answered absently even as Alex grabbed at his nose.

"Perhaps," Carson said. "John was much loved by all of us."

"After he died, it wasn't much of a surprise that the mission was closed out." John would have argued harder than he or Lorne could have, might have done things differently. And somewhere, there was another universe where he ’had’ lived and life was going on that way.

"If...and I mean if, it was established this is John's son, what are your intentions?" He asked as Alex giggled, all bright eyes and curiosity about the person holding him.

"I think the question is what are your intentions?" Carson said. "Rodney and I both earn well, we don't need money, but we would understand if you wanted to visit, or have visits. If you even consider custody, then we'll stop this right now."

"If you even consider custody, we can afford to crush you in court. But if you want to spend time with your grandson, well, like Carson said. That's my only intention." Rodney edged a little closer, because Alex was working himself into a full on giddy flail.

There was bouncing and gurgling and his hands were gesticulating - and it looked like he'd been watching him work through some sort of a discovery. It was enough to get John's father bouncing him in his arms with a hint of a smile.

"If we do, then I would like to visit, yes." the older man replied. "While I'm able."

"Good. I can leave you my cell phone number and the house number. That way, one way or another you can contact us," Rodney offered, fishing through his wallet.

He seemed to have calmed down which was a good thing, because Alex had a look on his face as if he was contemplating having a good old screaming fit just for the sake of it and he had a very penetrating cry. Jeannie said it cut through her like a knife and there had to be some sub harmonics going in there.

He nodded even as David returned with the tweezers and a sample bag, god alone knew where he got that from.

Carson went over to take Alex back. "We best go anyway, as he's going to be hungry and wind up to a wee tantrum if we don't take care of him."

"He only cries when he's hungry or dead tired, but if he's either, you're going to regret it," Rodney agreed, watching Dave reach towards Alex with the tweezers. Rodney offered his business card to John's father.

He took it looking tired and worn and there was nothing of John in his eyes. He must've gotten that from his mother.

Alex didn't notice the first tug but screeched on the one that produced the skin tagged hairs that were sealed away. He was indignant and didn't care who knew it. Rodney appreciated that and he smiled and turned towards Alex, reaching to pet at him. "Okay. If you change your mind, we're in the area for a couple of days."

Alex became grabby for him and Carson passed him over and then picked things up so they could leave.

"I will be in contact one way or another," John's father said. "Definitely."

"Aye well, that's as it should be," Carson answered. "Thank you for the refreshments. I'm sure we will meet soon."

Rodney was a little glad to get out of there. He started to lead the charge towards the door, holding Alex closely. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

He barely heard the normal polite words people expressed but he did notice that John's father watched them go right until they were all settled in to the car, Carson with Alex there, singing at him in a strange soft lyrical Scottish lullaby until he stopped wailing, more out of shock and surprise than anything else.

"Well that went well."

"So did the Hindenburg." Rodney didn't turn it on yet, just watching Carson sit there. They could secure him in the backseat in a moment, but if he didn't eat first, well. It was going to be a miserable trip to the hotel. "What do you want to do with the rest of the weekend? Do you think he'd remember a petting zoo or aquarium?"

"Probably not but that doesn't mean we won't," Carson said, getting out the bottle that had been warming against his skin and letting Alex have his fill. "Babies at his age like contrasts and bright primary colors. Their hearing is a lot better than their vision. They are a strange family aren't they? Having everything but not holding on to anything."

Rodney peered at Carson, so careful and easy with Alex. "I think they're used to getting what they want, but don't know how to hold onto it. I, uh… I know this is awkward and it's never the right time, but I'm glad you aren't bothered by this," He paused, and then added, "Are you?"

Carson shook his head. "He's dying Rodney. I would've been very angry if he behaved like that without circumstances but he is dying. He has the look."

"But he probably acted like that all the time. I wish that John were still here to convince them he was better than what they thought." And sometimes he wished his own parents were still alive so he could do the same, but…

"Problem is... or was, I think John half believed them. He gave them a scapegoat," Carson answered as Alex sucked down breakfast, lunch and dinner. "His mother - sometimes it gets connected in people's heads that there is a fault. A blame culture."

"A fault?" He didn't quite follow it and reached out to pet Alex's head but found his fingers reaching for the back of Carson's neck.

"Sorry, I suppose I'm used to it and I've seen... saw John at a few tough points." Carson cleared his throat. "I believe his mother died sometime when he was young or a baby and however irrationally, he's always been connected in this families mind as the reason. His father obviously loved her a lot and John... well, when you lose someone of that importance, who was at fault is an enormous thing. John apparently was and he believed it. He believed he was always having to "make it up" for what he'd done. That's what I think."

"That's insane," Rodney muttered. Except, yeah, he could understand that someone might fall into a rut like that, only not at John. Not about John, either. He didn't blame anyone over John's death, except himself, and he'd never been a soldier and there was no fixing that in retrospect.

"I could be wrong but it might explain a few things," Carson said. "John cut off his life before - he just didn't talk about it. I think he tried not to think about it."

"That's depressing," Rodney decided, shifting a little to rub at the back of Carson's neck. Alex turned his head, the semi-universal 'all done' gesture of refusing the bottle.

"We all have skeletons in our past," Carson said putting the bottle away with a faint sigh. "Okay then, let's get out of here. I'm sure they are waiting for us to leave.

"With bated breath," Rodney agreed, moving to take Alex from Carson, so he could heft the baby into the backseat and into his car-seat. "Okay, here we go."

And they would be back here in a day or so when the rushed test that the Sheppards were going to pay for came back and told them they were telling the truth. Maybe then he would feel a little more like he was putting John's ghost to rest, atoning in some way by making up with his family, in a way John was never given the chance to try himself.

It was a thin and tenuous bridge of reasoning, but Rodney knew he had done more with less to go on, so it was a start.

It was something he could work with.

And for the moment, he decided he could focus on what was present and alive with him just then. Carson would probably enjoy the aquarium more than anything else they could go to, so maybe Rodney could see if the nearest one had turtles.


End file.
